The struggle of silence

The struggle of silence

Jazzz

Registrant
idk what to even write.. I just know my husband has been suffering in silence for the past years and was finally able to say something about what he went through. We were dating when he was sexually abused by a cousin in Mexico as an adult.. He was really close to him they went out and drank together but he never imagine his close male cousin would do something to him like that.. he was in denial all this years until last week he was drunk and happy but out nowhere in the middle of our conversation he said “I’ve never told anyone about this because idk if it happened or not” He was hesitant to say anything but I encourage him to talk and made him feel safe and then everything just came out while I just listen in shock what my husband had went through, the words coming out his mouth saying “he raped me babe he raped me” I can’t get it out my head!! I continue to just think and over think what he went through and not saying anything because of fear of what people are going to say, fear of his cousin who has power in Mexico.. like what!!!! I’m a survivor myself and I have struggle with my own trauma this whole time not knowing my husband was going through the same thing but in silence.. I just don’t know what to do how to help him.. he hasn’t said anything to me about it since then but I can tell in his face and mood he is going through it! I’m seriously going through it as well I feel like I’m reliving my own trauma again is that even normal? This isn’t about me but HIM! Yet I feel so hopeless.. I don’t know how to approach him and have a sober conversation about it, how to help him?
 
It actually is about both of you Jazzz. You're triggered by what you learned and you too need support. You'll doubtless hear from some of the women who spend time here because their partners/husbands are struggling with the trauma they experienced. I know you want to support him but you will want to care for yourself at the same time. I don't know what resources you have in your life but you definitely need support.

With regard to your husband, you should know there is a forum on this website devoted to Men Abused/Assaulted as Men. I don't know how you found this website but I'd encourage you to speak with your husband and mention you came here for support for yourself and found that forum. He is certainly not alone with his experience and I've no doubt that talking with other men will help him release the shame and confusion of it all. We feel helpless when others abuse us. Talking about it helps us take back our power even as we release our shame. The two of you can do this together but you each need support for yourself. All the best to you both.
 
I’m seriously going through it as well I feel like I’m reliving my own trauma again is that even normal? This isn’t about me but HIM! Yet I feel so hopeless.. I don’t know how to approach him and have a sober conversation about it, how to help him?
@Jazzz you have done an incredibly loving and brave thing to share this, and ask for support, all the while trying to cope with your own feelings. I echo was @Visitor said. One thing I didn't get a sense of was the amount of time that has passed since the abuse and now. Would help to clarify that in the hopes of getting more specific support.
 
It actually is about both of you Jazzz. You're triggered by what you learned and you too need support. You'll doubtless hear from some of the women who spend time here because their partners/husbands are struggling with the trauma they experienced. I know you want to support him but you will want to care for yourself at the same time. I don't know what resources you have in your life but you definitely need support.

With regard to your husband, you should know there is a forum on this website devoted to Men Abused/Assaulted as Men. I don't know how you found this website but I'd encourage you to speak with your husband and mention you came here for support for yourself and found that forum. He is certainly not alone with his experience and I've no doubt that talking with other men will help him release the shame and confusion of it all. We feel helpless when others abuse us. Talking about it helps us take back our power even as we release our shame. The two of you can do this together but you each need support for yourself. All the best to you both.
Hi thank you so much for the reply. I was able to find this forum through #Metoo and at first I though this was mostly for men but was relieve to find out there was discussion for friends and family. I have not spoken to anyone about it and I’m not sure if I should? A side from my therapist. Also, my husband and I haven’t spoken about it since he told me everything and I’m not sure how to approach him.. what if the alcohol is what helped him speak up he did say that he had thought about telling me in the past but he couldn’t so what if now that he is sober he doesn’t want to talk me about it? Should I wait for him to bring it up again? I really don’t know
 
@Jazzz you have done an incredibly loving and brave thing to share this, and ask for support, all the while trying to cope with your own feelings. I echo was @Visitor said. One thing I didn't get a sense of was the amount of time that has passed since the abuse and now. Would help to clarify that in the hopes of getting more specific support.
The abuse happened approximately 4-5 years ago.
 
The experience of trauma doesn't simply go away... it lingers in the background and affects us in ways we don't understand. Many of the men here were not prepared to look honestly at what happened until decades after the events, often struggling with their sexuality and with intimacy. I was married and divorced multiple times simply because while I longed for an intimate relationship i couldn't tolerate allowing myself to be vulnerable... all the product of trauma I was carrying. Of course you can't make your husband deal with the issue but I don't think it would hurt to mention that you've talked about it with your therapist and if he wants to talk about it with you, you're more than willing to have the conversation. What he experienced doubtless has affected him, perhaps with feelings of shame... like he should have been able to resist the attack. This is the reason hearing what other men have to say about their experiences of having been sexually attacked as adults might help him. To say you care about him, are concerned for him and want to support him seems like caring things a wife would say to her husband. I know this is hard. Sadly, men are abused as infants, boys, adolescents, teens AND adults. We have a hard time admitting it and the world isn't inclined to take it seriously when we do. But the men on Male Survivor are trying to change all of that... simply by supporting one another in our healing. I wish you both the best Jazzz.
 
my husband and I haven’t spoken about it since he told me everything and I’m not sure how to approach him
Mentioning you found this site is a start. Please do it sooner rather than later- as you wait for him to bring it up because you don’t want to hurt him most survivors desperately need sober feedback from those they tell especially if it took liquid courage to share. Assuming he was not black out blotto when he told you he needs to know you understand and are there for him not disgusted or worse from his having been raped - the constant thought of why didn’t I just stop it is horrible and in reality resistance was not a real option In the criminal assault. The societally prevalent fraudulent myth that “Real men can’t be raped” is simply not true but is probably playing hell with him especially after his disclosure to you.

Also does he know you too are a survivor?

finally put on your own oxygen mask first - obviously this is triggering and disturbing fir you. I’m glad you have a therapist to help you but you need to recenter yourself before you can help your man. BREATHE! And remind him to just breathe deep and often.
 
Hello Jazzz,
I’m also a survivor, married to a survivor. You’ve already taken the best step you can for both of you and that is reaching out to others to get guidance. The information you’ve already received here is spot on. Whenever and however you determine to open up the topic with your husband, please be prepared that it will be his choice whether or not to work on his own healing. Also, he will have to work on his own healing at his own pace. This may not gel with your expectations. It sounds as if you’ve already been working through your own trauma so you are leaps and bounds ahead of where he will be and you may need your therapist to help temper your expectations with the reality. Best to you both.
 
Hi,
I finally brought it up and he shut down he said he doesn’t need help that he is over it. What I’m supposed to do? Just let him be till he decides to heal? I also mention this website and forum but he said he only glanced at it real quick and that he wasn’t interested.
 
. What I’m supposed to do? Just let him be till he decides to heal?
Jazzz, I’m not a professional so it would be unwise for me to give you or anyone advice as to what you/they “should” do. What I can convey to you is what would or would not have worked with me. Like your husband, I was raped as a young adult man (2 months short of 19). It took me 2 decades of marriage for me to feel strong enough and secure enough to begin the process of sharing this event with my wife. It took another decade for me to fully disclose to her. Bits and pieces is all I was able to give then I’d clam back up, sometimes for several years. If she, no matter her loving intent, would have attempted to pry me open, I think she would have cracked my shell and destroyed the growing pearl inside. My hope is that your husband will come to a place when he is ready and that the two of you will figure this out together. My thoughts are with you.
 
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