The State of Our Gay Union

Hi Guys:

Well, Andy and me are fighting. Sort of. I know he is having a tough time with my PTSD. Who wouldn't? And today, it's been really, really bad. I've just had this feeling of terror stay with me all day long. It's not a flashback. It's not a panic attack. Just this body terror. And it's so distracting I have trouble concentrating on even the simplest chores.

So a little while ago, Andy says, "How are you doing?"

And I say, "I'm not having a good day."

Then he says something that really upsets me, "You haven't had a good day in a long time."

Wow! Did that ever hit me like a ton of bricks! Sure, I often have a bad morning here and there because of a flash back or a panic attack. Or maybe a bad afternoon. Or a bad evening. For the same reason. But I usually don't have these terror attacks lasting hour upon hour.

So I thought to myself, "It's not easy being around someone with PTSD. And hearing about the sexual abuse and all those horrid memories always surfacing. How does Andy do it?"

I hope Andy might start posting in the Family & Friends area. I mean...no one can do this without support. Not especially our loved ones. Don't you agree?

So I think I will show Andy this post in a while. And maybe he'll see how much I love him. And how I know he loves me too. And maybe we two "domestic partners" can once more live in domestic bliss!

Meanwhile, if you have any ideas about improving the harmony around here, feel free to put in your own two cents.

All for now...

Jasper

 

I showed Andy this post. He was happy. I was happy. He even posted in the Family & Friends area. But by our mutual agreement, I don't look there. He doesn't look here (unless I show him particular posts). And all is well.

Isn't gay love beautiful?

Take care, guys!

Jasper

 

[sophiesdad]

Jasper:

It IS difficult for the loved ones around us. At least he feels comfortable to express his frustration to you.

I don't know if anyone else feels this way (and correct me if I'm wrong), but in my life, I have found that if I'm not careful when I have a period where there are flashbacks and memories, it is VERY easy to fall into the trap of a vicious cycle. I find myself almost obsessing at times when this happens and it only serves to make the situation worse.

I have found that the best thing for me to do when this happens is to remind myself not to get caught into the cycle and that I have a choice now as an adult. I can't stop the memories and feelings, but I can certainly try and change my attitude about them and how to deal with them. I have also found that being productive and working serves as a wonderful "distraction" so that I'm not dwelling on what I'm going thru.

If I'm off for the summer and I need to do something I usually find someone else to help and that keeps me from obsessing. I guess the bottom line is that we have a choice as to what to do with these feelings - we can allow ourselves to get caught up into the "frenzy" as I call it, or constantly remind ourselves that we ARE adults and we DO have choices at this time in our lives. As I said, it doesn't change the fact that things will pop up at the most inopportune moments, but I certainly can get some control over my reaction.

Richard Bandler (one of the "fathers" of NLP) once said: "There are no unresolved issues in life; they just weren't resolved the way we had hoped." If that ain't the truth! Things are resolved, but just not to our liking. It's all about how we look at things.

Am I saying this is easy? Not at all. When I am fighting feelings, fears and then physical pain rears its ugly head, I get despondent to the point that I really wonder why I'm living (don't worry - no suicide)... I wonder what purpose I'm serving here and do I have another 40 or 50 years of this **ap to look forward to? But that's where the self-talk comes into play along with a little bit of distraction. Sometimes we have to search really hard for the good things in life because we have hidden them from our own eyes with the blinders of ignorance and fear.

Fear and worry are SO unproductive! My father used to say, "Worry is like a rocking chair: you can do a helluva lot of gyrating but you don't get anyplace." Then I think, why should I worry about the future? It's already written so worrying about it is not going to change things. The same can be said about the past. So that means I need to live in the here and now and take an active role in shaping what my life WILL be.

Anthony Robbins says that all of our emotions are simply products of our minds - of our imaginations. We can sometimes take the most innocent of situations and twist them out of proportion so that they are something completely different in our minds. For example: let's say that a friend of mine hasn't called in ages. I've called and left messages and done everything possible to get him to call back. No response- I start thinking, "Did I do something wrong?" or "Who the hell does he think he is - how rude to not return my calls! I've always known that there was something that I didn't like about him."

Then we discover that the friend has been in the hospital in a coma for weeks from an auto accident. In our minds we have built up a picture of this uncaring SOB who has abondoned a long-standing friendship. I have successfully built an entire scenario in my head and decided the motives of the other person based on my own insecurities and fears.

So, with that bit of wisdom, "grasshopper", remember that things will always work themselves out. We have a TINY bit of control over them and it's up to us what we choose to do when life throws a brick at our faces.

SD

 

Hello SD:

You make many great points. Many terrific points, in fact!!!

For various reasons (including being in the "boonies" and lack of funds), I realized early on that EMDR was not for me. Nothing against EMDR or NLP. It's just that given my situation, it is pretty amazing that I even found a PTSD therapy group in this area. Unfortunately, I'm the only male survivor (the only survivor period) in the group. So I have had to do a lot of work on my own. And that's why this site has been so fabulous for me.

You are SO right. I can see that one can easily get into a mindset where one becomes obsessed with the flashbacks, the memories, the body terror, etc. But I found that it was important for me to experience these things in order to recover my memories of the abuse.

Now...wanna hear the good news? I know MY story! I know enough of what happened to me that I can write about it and talk about it, without having to recall every sickening, disgusting detail. And the details are truly sickening and disgusting!!!

After reading Mike Lew's book yesterday (Victims No Longer) and the chapter on forgetting, I am taking a fresh approach. Now that I know I was sexually abused by my older brother (from approximately 9 months old to 11 years old), and I have enough of the "outline" of what happened to be able to guess at the rest, I don't care if I get any more.

So what you say didn't make sense before. But now it does. Before, I didn't want to stop the process while I was recovering the memories. Do you see what I mean? But now, I'm in a position to use some of the great ideas you've suggested. And yes, I have a lot of control over all these sympoms.

Thank you, wise one! I may need to PM you with the specifics, if that's okay. But I do see what you have been saying all along. Thanks, SD.

By the way, Andy, me, and our dog had a nice trip up to the mountains yesterday. We went bathing in a river. And even our dog enjoyed herself. So life is good!!!!

Yippee!!!!

Jasper

 

[sophiesdad]

Absolutely no problem! PM anytime my fees are reasonable

SD

 

[chuck]

Jasper,

I was going to suggest that getting out and doing some physical activity is the best for me. For example I like to go sailing and have joined a sailing club. Sailing demands my constant attention and it is good not to have think about other things like the abuse, work, money or relationships. I usually return quite refreshed plus after the sail we all get something to eat to unwind from the day out on the water. When I get in one of the downward spirals, I try to remind myself to get out even if it is just for a walk.

Take care.

Chuck

 

Hey, thanks Chuck!

You have definitely given me something to think about!!!

All the best,

Jasper