The shame in remembering...

The shame in remembering...
S

survive75

Registrant
I have always hated that my memories were locked somewhere in my head... and that I could never find them.

Now that I recovered such a severe memory, I wish I had known how much pain it would bring. I guess I always assumed it would be liberating to retrieve real, concrete events.

I have gone into such a dark place. I've skipped therapy this week altogether. I've been distancing myself from my girlfriend, my friends. I had a very bad event happen under the influence of alcohol which is serving to make me feel more shame and disgust for myself. And there is shame in the abuse itself for me.

I do KNOW that it wasn't my fault, but for some reason, this week, I feel like I let him do this. I was five so I know I couldn't have, but why didn't I tell? I can answer all of the questions. But it's not making me want to keep pushing through this shit. I haven't slept. I am wanting to just break up with my g/f just to avoid intimacy and at the same time, I am terrified to break up with her because know she knows my secrets and could use them against me.

There is so much shame and pain for me tonight. Sorry.

-Sean
 
sean, don't act too fast when thinking of breaking up with your girlfriend. She is there for you. When she is willing to help, try not to push her away. I know, this is easier said than done, but give her a chance. I know that I have a hard time trusting non-survivours, but the ones that are closest to you are close to you because they want to be. They see the value in having a relationship with you, let it happen. We here on this discussion group also see the value in having you around. The alcohol incident is just that, but do try to keep things in check before something like that happens again. Again, easier said than done.

You were 5 when it happened.... take a close look at 5yr olds today. DO they seem like they could prevent something like this from happening from them? Not likely, so don't beat yourself up about feeling like you let it happen. ANd for not telling, I can only offer my own excuse. i tried to act as though it didn't happen. In so doing I did everything I could to trick myself into thinking it didn't. This can only work for so long, and I now know that I've moved forward from being a little vulnerable kid.

do your best to get some sleep.

shawn
 
Sean,

i read your post and identified with it. it seems as if i've been feeling the same way you've described. i know it is tough going, but you can get through this. take some time for yourself and think about things. don't do anything in haste about your girlfriend. i know that feeling so well of wanting to avoid intimacy but she must love you if she is with you and hopefully she is supportive as well.

i know you realize that what happened to you when you were 5 was in no way your fault. you were a child and couldn't have done one thing to stop it. evil is always the choice of the perp. don't blame yourself for any of this. i hope you are able to go back to your t soon and talk about how you are feeling. maybe that would help. i know that's hard to hear because it has been said to me so many times. there have been times when i quit going to therapy, thinking "what good is this doing me?" but then i realize that it's better to talk about it than keep it inside and slide further into darkness. we're all here for you. hang in there brother.

Kip
 
There is no shame. You were five years old.

Don't push away those that support you. I'm trying to makefor that mistake recently.

I do understand. I'm in a dark place too. We need to keep looking for the light, because it is there, even if it seems far away.

Sean, I'm with you and I'm thinking about you. Keep up the work. t's worth it.

Scot
 
Sean - I was just turned 12 when it happened to me in the late summer of 1969. I hadn't a clue what was going on (no sex education then and I don't know if anyone new what a paedophile was...the media just didn't mention stuff like that then). I was fed so much bullshit that I thought everyone did it, but didn't talk about it.

If a 12 year old was clueless, how on earth could a 5 year old protect themselves. You may have read some of my other postings here - I have only had 4 therapy sessions so far, the most difficult thing for me to do was forgive myself for what happened...I am pretty much there on that one. Get angry with your abuser...thats where it needs to go. I also found it difficult to find the anger...I am now doing that also and it external anger, directed outwards, not inwards. Just hope I don't turn into a little hitler.

Best wishes ...Rik
 
Sean - Walking into an immense memory as you did is scary and electrifying!! I can imagine a great flood of feelings - good and bad - overwhelmed you! The intense pains and hurts of our past just stab at our hearts!! All the old lies and useless defenses we justified and coped with emerge. I am sorry you experienced such intense emotions. However, something I live by today because it is true is a saying, "If you don't talk it out - you act it out". If you don't talk out those feelings as intense as they are and as painful as they are, we humans tend to act those feelings out. Sometimes through alcohol and drugs, using food, sex, porn and whatever to stop the pain but these won't work because the same feelings remain. Talking them out is the only real way I know that worked for me. Feelings can be very painful but when I could talk them out with my T, other survivors, etc...I didn't find myself acting out.

If you can't get the whole thing out, then talk about what you can and do that. Don't give up!! The work, for me, was well worth the pain and effort.

Howard
 
Thanks all for replying. I have a therapy appointment tomorrow that I hope to keep. My therapist is still trying to work on the memory with me, and I just don't want to. She wants me to go back and "save 5 year old Sean" and the resistance is overwhelming to that.

I don't want to save him. I don't think he can be saved. I've never been up against something like this in therapy yet... not a resistance this strong anyway. All I know is that I never want to return to that scene in that much detail ever again.

I'm sorry guys... I just have so much anger and resistance in me right now. Combined with not much sleep, I am not making much sense right now. I just always hoped that remembering would be liberating, and instead it is just proving to be full of shame, fear, and self-loathing. Thanks for the encouragement though. It's the only thing that is keeping me above water right now.

-Sean
 
Sean, maybe you should look at this another way.

He doesn't need to be saved, he saved himself. He saved you. Maybe you need to give him some credit for getting you through.

Maybe you don't need to save him, maybe you need to thank him, tell him he can relax and rest now.

Please think about this.

Donald
 
Sean,

There is no shame in remembering, there is no shame on your behalf of what was done to you. All the shame is theirs, and theirs alone.

Distancing yourself from your girlfriend and friends will only compound and reinforce the guilt and shame of others you are carrying. These are people that can provide a valuable level of support, especially now, when you need it most.

Try hard to make tomorrow's T. Let you T assist you in working through this and working it out.

Take care,
Bill
 
I am not sure I can even reply to you here. I can relate some to that, what you said. I still have some memories that caught inside my brain in 'others', not even in myself. I don't have access to those memories, to those other parts of my brain. And it scares me so much, to wonder of what those other parts of me remember that I myself do not. And I do not know how I can deal with it all, here or now or later, or nothing. I am sorry I can not say anything at all to be help to you. Please do try to keep yourself safe and well.

leosha
 
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