the sacrifice of self....

[zadok1]

OK, I have to admit that I feel empty in part. It is like taking a whole pie, and removing slices until you are left with only part of the whole. I began with a whole person, Jeff. He was a mess, but he was a complete person such as he was. Then I began trying to become a better person. My wife almost left when I had a cyber-affair on her, so I decided that wasnt something I wanted as part of me. I reached in, grabbed a slice of Jeff and threw it to the side. I decided that pornography was something a Christian man such as Jeff shouldnt be playing with, so I grabbed another slice. A married man shouldnt fantasize about people other than his wife, so there goes another slice.

I sit here this morning, and I have remade myself into the person I always wanted to be. For months I have lived up to the standards I have set for myself, and I am really proud of that for the most part. When I look in the mirror I see an abused sex addict who has turned into a proud father, a loving husband and a good moral person. So why do I feel like something is missing?

Part of me liked being the self-destructive victim. It came with perks, such as having affairs, delving into porn all day long, and living for the next sexual thrill. Being the victim meant I didnt have to live up to what was right, and it was okay to live for the moment. I could throw my life on the ground and trample all over it as I chased the latest thrill, and take no thought of it, after all, I was sick and didnt deserve any better.

Okay, I miss trying to meet men for bi-sexual escapes. I miss trying to arrange affairs and seducing women. It seems like something is missing since I have stayed free of porn and cybering. My life isnt the same since I stopped writing erotic stories. I have overcome all these things, and I miss them badly.

I try to focus on the good, on all I have gained by sacrificing these pieces of who I was. I tell myself how much better adjusted and content I am, but I have still lost part of me in all of this junk. You can accept things you cant change, change things you can, and remake your life the way you think it ought to be, but remember there is a price to pay for everything we do. What will it cost you to become this person you think you should be? Is the price worth it? I want to believe it is, but sometimes when I am alone, I miss those things I have sacrificed.

 

[Mike Church]

Zadok1:

I hear you brother. Yes to remake ourselves takes sacrifice and dedication. And we have to give up some of the shit that was part of our coping mechanism.

But you must ask youself. "How do I feel about the real me I have created. Is my selfesteem better is my sense of self worth more". I think I know the answer to that.

Sure we left the stuff that was easy and gave us a quick fix. It is like to cocaine addict who has quit physically but not in his mind. The craving can become overwhelming.

The best suggestion I can make Zadok1 is to do it a day at a time. Just not today. Do not add tomorrow into the equation. Just today. And dont worry about yesterday it is gone forever. Just today. Anybody can quit something for a day. I have done it a day at a time with alcohol for 26 odd years. Never said I would never drink again. Just not today. And you know what the craving left after a period of time and I seldom if ever think about it. And when I do I cannot think of a single thing that would induce me to have a drink today. I came to an early realization that alcohol would kill me if I continued down my chosen path. And I think Zadok that were you to continue down the path that you once took the very essence of you humanity would take a direct hit. Something like Shock and Awe. And that in a way is a killer of all who let it happen.

Remember Just not today.

P.S. I still think about my days as a prostitute, drug addict and physically re-enacting my assault with me. And quite frankly i do miss is sometimes but not enough to get back on that path. And one day it will fade as did my love of booze

Your brother wolf

Mike

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