The Revolving Door

The Revolving Door
C

Cecilia

Registrant
I am feeling pretty low today. My husband has been back with the family for the start of school, but nothing has changed and he continues to lash out at me with words that are so hurtful.

Our 3 year old crys in the mornings before going to school and he has such a difficult time separating from her that he decided to keep her home yesterday. Not such a big deal, except that I am under such a tremendous amount of pressure to keep everything running smoothly that for him to give in to her tantrums just makes everything harder. Plus, when I walked in the door at the end of the day he blamed it on me.

I feel so caught and betrayed and unsure of myself.

He uses the children to stay with me b/c he wants to be with them, but he is fully not functioning right now.

Tomorrow is our sixth anniversary. I've been praying a lot lately b/c I feel helpless to do anything.

Any suggestions?
C
 
i would ask him if he would want to make someone else feel the pain that he feels,cause what you describe is how a abuse survivor feels ,caught ,betrayed ,unsure ,maybe treating you this way is abuse for you.being a survivor dont mean its ok to treat you bad ,its not an excuse to make you feel this way.i think if supporting him becomes harmfull to you then you got to think about yourself and what its doing to you . but i am kinda not experienced with relationships ,for me i would thank god just to have someone like you ,you know somebody right here with me that wanted to help. that would be cool
 
Cecilia,

This is probably going to read like a rewrite of Shadowkid's post, as I agree with everything he is saying.

It looks to me like you are becoming another victim of your husband's abuser. His verbal and emotional outbursts aren't just making you unhappy; they are making you feel out of control, when in reality you are the source of whatever stability there is in the home, and unsure of yourself, even though the fact of the matter is that you are the only one who appears to have a grip.

I know it's easy for an outsider to say, but I don't think any partner should tolerate being treated with disrespect on an ongoing basis. Okay, we will all have a bad day sometime or another, and okay, he is having difficulties in dealing with his abuse issues. But he is displacing them onto you, and the way it looks from here, that will continue so long as you allow it to continue.

And the effects can be very serious indeed. This is already eroding your own self-confidence and esteem, and what is it doing to your daughter to see and sense the conflict and tension in the house? And it even affects him. By tolerating this bad behavior you are enabling him to avoid what he really has to do: face his issues with honesty, responsibility and commitment.

I don't think it's encouraging selfishness to say that you really need to take care of yourself first in this situation. After all, you have a child to consider and it's upon you that stability in the home depends at the moment. You need to insist that your boundaries be honored and that you be treated with respect. That's pretty basic. Why should you not have that?

There's also the point that if he sees in front of him an example of strength and resolve, a partner who is standing up for herself, that may give him something to hold on to as he struggles to deal with things himself. I know it was that way with me, Cecilia. I had no idea myself how bad things were becoming between my wife and myself; it was SHE who put her foot down, refused to take the shit, and demanded that I get a grip and at least TRY. That's what I held on to in those difficult times.

I know what you are thinking as you read this: what if ..., what if ..., what if .... But I think it all comes down to a metaphor I came up with awhile back and really like: If two ships are sailing along together, one cannot help the other if both are burning.

Much love,
Larry
 
Cecilia,
I am new here, so feel a little unqualified to give my opinion or advice. However, I had to reply to your post. My bf and I have been together 5 months, and 5 weeks ago we had a massive fight over something I found out about and he didn't want me to know (I think it was a form of acting out, but like I said, I am new here, and not quite sure what it should really be called).

During the past 5 weeks, I have had to deal with a lot of shit from my bf. At first, he wouldn't return my calls or emails. Then he did, but only when he wanted to. He would yell at me, and accuse me of punishing him just like his abuser, his ex wife, and his parents. I was on rollercoaster for 4 weeks. Until last week. I realized that he was in total control of me because I didn't want to lose him, and I was just accepting whatever he did, or didn't do. I decided to take some control back, and when I did, he seemed to realize that he was really hurting me. Since then, things have improved.

You deserve to be treated so much better than this. I know it's easy to say, and not so easy when you are in the situation, but you need to take a look at everything that has been happening and decide what is best for you and the children. It seems, from reading your past posts, that he is in total control of everything. It's hard, but you need to look after you right now. I know you want to support your husband (and the last thing I would want to do is leave my bf), but everyone needs love and respect, and he doesn't seem to be giving you much of either.
Kishka
 
My husband left friday night after saying some incredibly hurtful and demeaning things to me.

So, I spent our sixth anniversary with my two daughters. I tried not to think about anything. I DIDN'T self-destruct, in part to some of the kind words of support that I have heard here.

I feel like if I breathe too deeply I'll just fall apart.

I have wanted to be away from his meanness, but for so longI have been hoping that he would reach out for help, get help, see how he is treating me.

I think for a while I have excused all of his behavior BECAUSE he was a survivor and he has so much pain in his life.

I don't know what else to say.

I can't understand NOT at least trying.
 
I am SO sorry. Do you have anyone that you can lean on for support? You can't do this alone, it is just too hard (I mean the part about your husband leaving, not his csa).

I went through a divorce 3 years ago. I felt similar to what you describe "I feel like if I breathe too deeply I'll just fall apart". Thank God for a very good friend of mine. She was there whenever I needed here - which was a lot in the beginning. I am not saying you are on the road to divorce, but it is the same lonliness and fear that you are feeling - my bf also moved out and it was devastating to me. Once again, I leaned on my best friend.

I also understand the part about at least trying. My bf hasn't put me through nearly as much as you (you have a longer relationship and 2 kids), but I have also drawn a line, mentally, as to how much I will put up with. Yes, he is a survivor, but that is only going to go so far in explaining his rudeness and bad behavior. I deserve better than that, and so do you.

Cecilia, be strong. You will get through this. Maybe this is the opportunity to tell him that he needs to get help, for the sake of your relationship. And you need to stop accepting his bad behavior. Easier to say, I know, but you need to put your foot down.

You need to know his commitment level to you - bearing in mind that he isn't thinking clearly right now, but his leaving seems to be a pattern?
This is something that will be hard - you need to be ready to hear the answer, before you ask the question.

Take this time for yourself (I know he must be consuming your every thought). PM me if you need to. I don't have much experience with csa and survivors, but I do know what it's like to be utterly devasted from someone walking out on you.
Take care of yourself.
Kishka
 
Cecelia,
I can't understand NOT at least trying.
Click to expand...
I can. I just wrote a post on Brokenhearted's thread about the difference between "victim" and "survivor." When I was still a victim, I didn't try. Trying would mean accepting that it was real, that it did hurt me, that I still felt effects. In my mind at that time, it meant calling myself defective.

Your husband hasn't reached the point where he believes he can beat this. I can understand that, too. It's not easy to believe at first. A lot of it has to be taken on faith, because it sure doesn't start feeling easy any time soon.

You did a wonderful job taking care of your girls. Do you have any supportive friend(s) who can help you now, like Kishka's friend helped her?

Thanks,

Joe
 
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