THE REALITY OF THE PAST
Mike Church
Registrant
MAY TRIGGER
The Reality of the Past.
Events of the past can never be changed. We can block them out. We can deny they happened. We can minimilize them. BUT WE CAN NEVER CHANGE THEM. This is the true reality. No matter what path our minds have taken sooner or later, the mind being what it is, these events with which we have not dealt will rise up in our conscious.
Very seldom does anyone block out happy or exciting events. As humans we tend to block out tragedy, loss, crimes or other horrific events in our past. These events by and large have had a huge emotional impact on us that leave us with conflict feelings. This can be easily recognized when a loved one dies and leaves you alone. All of us who experience this mourn the loss and at the same time get angry with that person who has left us. Irrational though it may be it is true.
The events of sexual abuse/assault are particularly horrific to us who have experienced it. In addition to the actual trauma that we suffer it tears apart our beliefs and values around trust and others. Additionally it attacks our very essence or soul for want of a better description. It leaves us with a huge sense of guilt, shame, fear and betrayal. We are less than whole and have no worth other than the purpose for which we were assaulted/abused.
Very rarely do we go to authorities or others to get immediate help. Why is that? Because of the above shame guilt fear betrayal and a feeling it was somehow our fault. Instead we cope. And how we cope at first is in paragraph one. But what happens then?
Because of this particular crime and what it does internally to us it totally disrupts our actual living and interaction with others. Some of us will commit suicide, some will attack society and some will totally withdraw into their own created reality. This evil can be found in every aspect of our lives. Our fears become terrors. Our anger becomes rage at the slightest provocation. Our behavior becomes totally irrational. We retreat to fantasy. Lying becomes a norm. Everything that happens to us is internalized to the point that we perceive anything we do or receive to be unclean, dirty, useless or confirmation of our lack of worth. Some of us will practice self-harm by cutting, acting out in dangerous manners, alcoholism, and drug addiction, fighting and withdrawing. Take your pick or add more. The results are all the same. These coping behaviors do absolutely nothing to restore our inner self. Our self-respect/worth goes deeper into the slime. We lose sight of ever being decent and human. EACH AND EVERYONE OF US CAN RELATE TO THIS I THINK.
Is there a way out of this slime? YOU BET THERE IS. It is simple really and yet so very very hard to do.
1) Accept the reality of history good or bad. In our case horrible.
2) Adjust our values, beliefs and emotions around those events. Despite the possibility that it part of it was exciting or arousing or made you feel wanted recognize that it was a terrible crime against you and your soul.
3) Get angry, really angry, at the perpetrator/s of this/these crimes and recognize that whatever was said to you was a total lie and was meant to do several things such as make it your fault and therefore keep you silent. In addition these words together with the crime would bind you in a sick way to that criminal.
4) Recognize that it was never our fault (despite the possible feel good syndrome and that we may have become an active participant after the first time).
5) If it was never our fault then it could never have been our shame, guilt, remorse fear etc. The logic of this is inescapable.
The problem with all of this is that this crime against us defies logic and because of it our emotions will override our logic.
AND THAT MY BROTHERS IS, I THINK, THE CRUX OF THE MATTER. Our emotions will, because of this crime, override our logic ad nauseum. The reality is that history cannot be changed but our emotions can. That is why we have therapists, MaleSurvivor and so on. Most of us cannot make these changes on our own. When we try we try to do it all at once and doom ourselves to failure. The old putting the bar to high syndrome. Well it has worked for us in the past hasnt it? We all know what failure is. We set ourselves up to fail to confirm our emotions about ourselves that was pushed on us so long ago. THEY WERE PUSHED ON US. They were never ours. WOW. Scary thought isnt it. That means that we have, in effect, crippled ourselves by accepting the values and beliefs of the criminal. I mean it was never their fault was it. It is we who were unclean, guilty, perverted etc. SO, IN EFFECT, WE DO NOT REALLY NEED TO CHANGE EMOTIONS, FEELINGS AND BELIEFS THAT WERE NEVER OURS BUT CREATE OUR OWN THAT PUT INTO MOTION 1 THROUGH 5 ABOVE.
THAT, ABOVE ALL ELSE, IS THE TRUE REALITY FOR US.
My wish is that we all can achieve this true reality and live life with dignity, serentity, peace, love and hope for the future.
The Reality of the Past.
Events of the past can never be changed. We can block them out. We can deny they happened. We can minimilize them. BUT WE CAN NEVER CHANGE THEM. This is the true reality. No matter what path our minds have taken sooner or later, the mind being what it is, these events with which we have not dealt will rise up in our conscious.
Very seldom does anyone block out happy or exciting events. As humans we tend to block out tragedy, loss, crimes or other horrific events in our past. These events by and large have had a huge emotional impact on us that leave us with conflict feelings. This can be easily recognized when a loved one dies and leaves you alone. All of us who experience this mourn the loss and at the same time get angry with that person who has left us. Irrational though it may be it is true.
The events of sexual abuse/assault are particularly horrific to us who have experienced it. In addition to the actual trauma that we suffer it tears apart our beliefs and values around trust and others. Additionally it attacks our very essence or soul for want of a better description. It leaves us with a huge sense of guilt, shame, fear and betrayal. We are less than whole and have no worth other than the purpose for which we were assaulted/abused.
Very rarely do we go to authorities or others to get immediate help. Why is that? Because of the above shame guilt fear betrayal and a feeling it was somehow our fault. Instead we cope. And how we cope at first is in paragraph one. But what happens then?
Because of this particular crime and what it does internally to us it totally disrupts our actual living and interaction with others. Some of us will commit suicide, some will attack society and some will totally withdraw into their own created reality. This evil can be found in every aspect of our lives. Our fears become terrors. Our anger becomes rage at the slightest provocation. Our behavior becomes totally irrational. We retreat to fantasy. Lying becomes a norm. Everything that happens to us is internalized to the point that we perceive anything we do or receive to be unclean, dirty, useless or confirmation of our lack of worth. Some of us will practice self-harm by cutting, acting out in dangerous manners, alcoholism, and drug addiction, fighting and withdrawing. Take your pick or add more. The results are all the same. These coping behaviors do absolutely nothing to restore our inner self. Our self-respect/worth goes deeper into the slime. We lose sight of ever being decent and human. EACH AND EVERYONE OF US CAN RELATE TO THIS I THINK.
Is there a way out of this slime? YOU BET THERE IS. It is simple really and yet so very very hard to do.
1) Accept the reality of history good or bad. In our case horrible.
2) Adjust our values, beliefs and emotions around those events. Despite the possibility that it part of it was exciting or arousing or made you feel wanted recognize that it was a terrible crime against you and your soul.
3) Get angry, really angry, at the perpetrator/s of this/these crimes and recognize that whatever was said to you was a total lie and was meant to do several things such as make it your fault and therefore keep you silent. In addition these words together with the crime would bind you in a sick way to that criminal.
4) Recognize that it was never our fault (despite the possible feel good syndrome and that we may have become an active participant after the first time).
5) If it was never our fault then it could never have been our shame, guilt, remorse fear etc. The logic of this is inescapable.
The problem with all of this is that this crime against us defies logic and because of it our emotions will override our logic.
AND THAT MY BROTHERS IS, I THINK, THE CRUX OF THE MATTER. Our emotions will, because of this crime, override our logic ad nauseum. The reality is that history cannot be changed but our emotions can. That is why we have therapists, MaleSurvivor and so on. Most of us cannot make these changes on our own. When we try we try to do it all at once and doom ourselves to failure. The old putting the bar to high syndrome. Well it has worked for us in the past hasnt it? We all know what failure is. We set ourselves up to fail to confirm our emotions about ourselves that was pushed on us so long ago. THEY WERE PUSHED ON US. They were never ours. WOW. Scary thought isnt it. That means that we have, in effect, crippled ourselves by accepting the values and beliefs of the criminal. I mean it was never their fault was it. It is we who were unclean, guilty, perverted etc. SO, IN EFFECT, WE DO NOT REALLY NEED TO CHANGE EMOTIONS, FEELINGS AND BELIEFS THAT WERE NEVER OURS BUT CREATE OUR OWN THAT PUT INTO MOTION 1 THROUGH 5 ABOVE.
THAT, ABOVE ALL ELSE, IS THE TRUE REALITY FOR US.
My wish is that we all can achieve this true reality and live life with dignity, serentity, peace, love and hope for the future.