The reality of prison rape (trigger)
Sick Puppy
Registrant
I was raped in prison. According to most of you, those who are raped in prison deserve what they get, or at the very least might as well get it since that's how it goes.
I guess because I was technically an adult (18.. though I had the emotions of about a 10 year old) it was my own responsibility. Painful though it is I can live up to that, but it bothers me when people assure me it's not my fault, then turn around and say that it's the fault of everyone else in the same position.
All I know is that I'm never going to be the same again.
I was 18 when I went in and I was scared shitless. I was about 5'5 at the time and weighed somewhere between 90 and 100 pounds. I knew I'd be a target. For the first couple days I was left alone. I was always on guard. I was always so scared that my whole body would be sore at night from being so tense.
On the third day it happened. I was in the showers and I was scared to be naked. I was hurrying. I wanted to get out of there as soon as I could. I hated my body and I didn't want it in front of anyone. I felt so vulnerable and bare.
Somebody came up behind me and pushed me against the wall. I remember hoping they were going to kill me rather than the alternative. I could feel like there were a lot of people around me. Somebody grabbed me by the shoulders and whispered into my ear that I was a little bitch. I started to cry. Somebody kneed me in the stomach and I fell on the floor.
When I fell, somebody else kicked me in the head. I tried to curl up into a ball so they couldn't get at me, but they kept kicking me until I kneeled. Even though the water was warm I was freezing cold and shivering. I got kicked again and I lost control of my bladder. Even though I was naked and in the shower anyway, they laughed at me. There were about 12 of them.
The one that whispered in the beginning got behind me and started to fuck me and I cried out and somebody kicked me again. I was dizzy. I felt sick, like I was going to throw up. It hurt so bad that my vision started going out and I couldn't see anything except sort of a blur. Some other guy got in front of me and made me suck him off.
I kept passing out but they would wake me up by kicking me or slapping me with their dicks. They took turns at me. It felt like forever. I was crying and shaking for a long time and then I was numb, it was like my brain went away but my senses were still there. I could see and hear and smell and taste and feel but my brain wasn't interpreting any of those signals to mean anything in particular. All I knew was that I was in pain and I wanted really badly to sleep but I couldn't.
In my head I was praying. I was begging. I was saying I was so sorry for burning down that house and I was begging for God to make it stop, to make them go away, or to make them kick me too hard or rip something important inside me so that I would die and not hurt anymore. After a while I just prayed for the guy that was on me to finish so that another could start and I'd be closer to the end. They were laughing all the time.
I remember one of them finished and then another one didn't get behind me and all of a sudden I felt this huge flood of relief because I realized they were done. I got kicked a couple more times and then they were gone. I was alone. I was so glad I was alone even though I was bleeding all over. I remember the water around me was red. I had cuts on my face and a lot of sore spots all over and I was bleeding from my ass and mouth. Red was one of the last colors I saw. I passed out and then when I woke up a long time later I didn't see in color anymore. I didn't see in color again until I got out two years later and sat on my uncle's lawn and saw green.
I was in the prison hospital for a while I think and then when I got out I was gang raped a few more times and then I was a punk. That meant I still got raped but it was just by one person at a time. I got passed around. It's like being a slave. I wanted to kill myself but there was no way to do it. I disconnected my mind so I don't remember a lot of it very well. I get these images sometimes but they don't have anything connected to them, just images.
Now I have PTSD. I have to spend weeks becoming accustomed to a shower before I can use it without panicking. I can't drive past a prison or see a police officer without feeling sick. I can't even have my blinds drawn when it is sunny because they will cast bars across the floor that make me think of prison. Most nights I wake up crying. I have nightmares where I can feel and taste and smell and hear and see it all like it is happening all over and when I wake up it takes a long time for the smell and taste and pain to fade.
For a long time I was sure this was my fault, but when I finally started to talk about it people assured me it wasn't. I was confused. Now I'm confused again because I know deep down it was my fault after all but I've been told so many times that it wasn't...
I don't know why I posted this really, I guess to give you all an understanding of where I come from and why I got so upset. It is not easy when everyone is advocating prison rape and you're standing alone there crying because it happened to you and you would never wish it on anyone. But I admit that it was my fault. I guess that is all I can do.
I guess because I was technically an adult (18.. though I had the emotions of about a 10 year old) it was my own responsibility. Painful though it is I can live up to that, but it bothers me when people assure me it's not my fault, then turn around and say that it's the fault of everyone else in the same position.
All I know is that I'm never going to be the same again.
I was 18 when I went in and I was scared shitless. I was about 5'5 at the time and weighed somewhere between 90 and 100 pounds. I knew I'd be a target. For the first couple days I was left alone. I was always on guard. I was always so scared that my whole body would be sore at night from being so tense.
On the third day it happened. I was in the showers and I was scared to be naked. I was hurrying. I wanted to get out of there as soon as I could. I hated my body and I didn't want it in front of anyone. I felt so vulnerable and bare.
Somebody came up behind me and pushed me against the wall. I remember hoping they were going to kill me rather than the alternative. I could feel like there were a lot of people around me. Somebody grabbed me by the shoulders and whispered into my ear that I was a little bitch. I started to cry. Somebody kneed me in the stomach and I fell on the floor.
When I fell, somebody else kicked me in the head. I tried to curl up into a ball so they couldn't get at me, but they kept kicking me until I kneeled. Even though the water was warm I was freezing cold and shivering. I got kicked again and I lost control of my bladder. Even though I was naked and in the shower anyway, they laughed at me. There were about 12 of them.
The one that whispered in the beginning got behind me and started to fuck me and I cried out and somebody kicked me again. I was dizzy. I felt sick, like I was going to throw up. It hurt so bad that my vision started going out and I couldn't see anything except sort of a blur. Some other guy got in front of me and made me suck him off.
I kept passing out but they would wake me up by kicking me or slapping me with their dicks. They took turns at me. It felt like forever. I was crying and shaking for a long time and then I was numb, it was like my brain went away but my senses were still there. I could see and hear and smell and taste and feel but my brain wasn't interpreting any of those signals to mean anything in particular. All I knew was that I was in pain and I wanted really badly to sleep but I couldn't.
In my head I was praying. I was begging. I was saying I was so sorry for burning down that house and I was begging for God to make it stop, to make them go away, or to make them kick me too hard or rip something important inside me so that I would die and not hurt anymore. After a while I just prayed for the guy that was on me to finish so that another could start and I'd be closer to the end. They were laughing all the time.
I remember one of them finished and then another one didn't get behind me and all of a sudden I felt this huge flood of relief because I realized they were done. I got kicked a couple more times and then they were gone. I was alone. I was so glad I was alone even though I was bleeding all over. I remember the water around me was red. I had cuts on my face and a lot of sore spots all over and I was bleeding from my ass and mouth. Red was one of the last colors I saw. I passed out and then when I woke up a long time later I didn't see in color anymore. I didn't see in color again until I got out two years later and sat on my uncle's lawn and saw green.
I was in the prison hospital for a while I think and then when I got out I was gang raped a few more times and then I was a punk. That meant I still got raped but it was just by one person at a time. I got passed around. It's like being a slave. I wanted to kill myself but there was no way to do it. I disconnected my mind so I don't remember a lot of it very well. I get these images sometimes but they don't have anything connected to them, just images.
Now I have PTSD. I have to spend weeks becoming accustomed to a shower before I can use it without panicking. I can't drive past a prison or see a police officer without feeling sick. I can't even have my blinds drawn when it is sunny because they will cast bars across the floor that make me think of prison. Most nights I wake up crying. I have nightmares where I can feel and taste and smell and hear and see it all like it is happening all over and when I wake up it takes a long time for the smell and taste and pain to fade.
For a long time I was sure this was my fault, but when I finally started to talk about it people assured me it wasn't. I was confused. Now I'm confused again because I know deep down it was my fault after all but I've been told so many times that it wasn't...
I don't know why I posted this really, I guess to give you all an understanding of where I come from and why I got so upset. It is not easy when everyone is advocating prison rape and you're standing alone there crying because it happened to you and you would never wish it on anyone. But I admit that it was my fault. I guess that is all I can do.
