The Questions

Hello MS Community,

This would appear to be my day for asking questions, this one I had to bring down to here. As I had mentioned when I had posted down here before, at one time I had hit religion heavy. I was not one of those people you saw go into a church, just because it was Sunday and the doors were open. I was an absolute true believer I felt it was the only way I could ever get away from the horrible feelings my CSA baggage to go away. Unfortunately, for me this did not work, I don’t know if I did something wrong, or perhaps God was not ready yet for me to go beyond it? I went to church every time my situation would allow, attempted to be a good person, and still do that to this day. Every time that I asked for relief from this, I was met nothing but a wall of silence. When this would happen, I would try even harder yet still noting but silence was my answer.

So, this leads me to a couple of questions, which I must ask of other people because I never get anything from above. The first is simply is there some sort of plan, one of which I could never understand, I can be sharp, but I am hardly a speck in compared the Almighty? Is possible there is still yet something I am to do? Or conversely, am I simply unworthy for this assistance in which I have needed for all that time? Once I believed that for those who really believed, and really worked at it, mean followed the path as best we are ale because we all fail occasionally. That if you found yourself in the dark you would someway be led out of it. I am still in the darkness waiting, for three decades not. So again, the two juxtaposed questions begged to be asked. Is this the part of my plan or am I simply unworthy of the intervention ?

With Deep Respect,

Jrperk010101
 

Healing light

Registrant
Hello MS Community,

This would appear to be my day for asking questions, this one I had to bring down to here. As I had mentioned when I had posted down here before, at one time I had hit religion heavy. I was not one of those people you saw go into a church, just because it was Sunday and the doors were open. I was an absolute true believer I felt it was the only way I could ever get away from the horrible feelings my CSA baggage to go away. Unfortunately, for me this did not work, I don’t know if I did something wrong, or perhaps God was not ready yet for me to go beyond it? I went to church every time my situation would allow, attempted to be a good person, and still do that to this day. Every time that I asked for relief from this, I was met nothing but a wall of silence. When this would happen, I would try even harder yet still noting but silence was my answer.

So, this leads me to a couple of questions, which I must ask of other people because I never get anything from above. The first is simply is there some sort of plan, one of which I could never understand, I can be sharp, but I am hardly a speck in compared the Almighty? Is possible there is still yet something I am to do? Or conversely, am I simply unworthy for this assistance in which I have needed for all that time? Once I believed that for those who really believed, and really worked at it, mean followed the path as best we are ale because we all fail occasionally. That if you found yourself in the dark you would someway be led out of it. I am still in the darkness waiting, for three decades not. So again, the two juxtaposed questions begged to be asked. Is this the part of my plan or am I simply unworthy of the intervention ?

With Deep Respect,

Jrperk010101
I'm going to ask a random question but stick with me ....but have you ever seen a miracle one that changed the whole way you looked at the world

Iv seen two one a few years ago and one more recently, prayers answered and in the later case decades after I should imagine it was first prayed for and neither of those miracles were mine but they touched me deeply and I'm so very thankful for them occuring in others lives

So my next question , was you like me after some sort of a miracle , some massive event? I was something where I could say my prayers have been answered

So one day I'm laying on a sofa in my pals church , a fellow survivor he is and I said how come you get up every day dedicate yourself to God and he does shit for you

His replied what do you mean

So I carry on , last week you couldn't sleep , because you was triggered , you work everyday of your life for him upstairs and that's how your repaid

He replied

He doesn't think I need a miracle
He thinks I have got this , I can handle it , it's just me that doesn't think I have got this. Miracles are when there's nothing else left, for when God thinks the s*** really hit the fan.

Then he said

Why do you think your here today

I replied : to eat toast , and moan

He said no to show me I'm not alone in my journey healing. He clocked my prayers and given me a nudge in the right direction

I'm the most cynical but deeply spiritual person you could meet but this guy , a survivor, a pastor blows me mind offen

Hope it helps somewhat , of course you deserve peace from the suffering ,and answers to your prayers some relief
And I hope you get it

HL
 

Jack090

Registrant
As an agnostic, I can't give you any clear direction either way about the existence or not of an almighty being let alone explain what his plan may be. As a student of science, I know there are many things we as a species will never have the answer to. The best and only thing we can do is follow the evidence to the most rational conclusion. When looking for answeres about the meaning of life the only evidence we have to guide us comes from our emotions. If doing something makes you feel good about who you are in your community do it if not don't. so either god gave you these feelings to guide you or you choose to do things because they make you feel good. Either way, you know what's right don't worry about the rest who can know.

Just my two cents. hope it helps.
 

Ferguson

Registrant
I was "rescued" from being a rent boy in London in 1984 (I know it was a result of CSA and lack of trust in my parents - betrayal). I became a Christian at 20 and I'm 56 now. It has been a very difficult journey and I have seen miracles but it was never the "quick fix" I thought was on offer. I believe all I am expected to do on my part is trust just for today, and follow The Maker's instructions. My understand of The Way has changed massively and I would say I get what the Bible is about much more each year. I struggle with all the things that a person who was not heard or helped regarding CSA would have trouble with, and I accept now that I have to start from there. I have had much fantasy and addiction as survival methods and have needed them to be peeled away, mostly reluctantly. Progress but no magic wand. He does care but not in the way I would want.

Keep seeking,
Ferguson
 

My_Mayberry

Registrant
This is such a complex question that I've often asked many times. I think that the short answer based on my years of inquiry, driven, in a large part, by a personal journey of questions with addiction, CPTSD, homosexuality, etc., is that I have not found anywhere in the Bible which explicitly addresses our contemporary understanding of sexual trauma, or any kind of PTSD/CPTSD for that matter, as something we must learn from. It certain address suffering, but that’s broad and doesn’t necessarily speak to more specific types of suffering, like sexual trauma, PTSD, etc.

Diving into the language of Christianity, the gospels were even conflicted about salvation and what it meant. Originally, it was a real time in the very near future of the Apostle Paul and early gospel writers (Mark and Matthew). Later, it morphed into something more esoteric because the original writers of those gospels and Paul himself died. They expected Jesus' return in their lifetime , and when it didn't happen, future writers (Luke, John, neo-Pauline writers) had to make sense of it. From there, "salvation" was more esoteric and individualized (rather than the Kingdom of God being realized for all followers here on this earth, as in Matthew and early Paul, later writers [ex: Gospel of Thomas] saw the Kingdom of God as something accessible inside us and through our use of wisdom).

I give all this response not to dissuade a person away or toward any particular belief, but in my own experience, the later gospel and neo-Pauline writers suggest that humans can be active in bringing about the Kingdom of God on earth (they all had this vision in some sense, but it meant different things to different writers). What does this mean for me? I won't say 'us' here, or 'you', because I think it's possibly different for everyone. However, for me, the later writers pair well with what my therapist tries to get me to do - make meaning and purpose out of what happened to me. Of course, she says we would rather it not have happened. Of course, she says (and I agree), we would rather me not suffer at all. We can hold that to be true. And also, I have agency to make meaning and purpose of it - to focus on my own healing journey, but to also see if there are ways I can draw from my experience (which again, we would rather have not happened) to possibly be helpful or supportive of others. Perhaps, as is part of my journey, I can even advocate on behalf of the systemic and religious injustices that made the harm done to me not only more possible, but didn't allow for me an avenue to talk about them with anyone. This, to me, is bringing about a better world in the here and now, and pairs with a vision of humans being able to actually bring about the Kingdom of God on earth. This interpretation moves away from a vision of God as a grand orchestrator of every individual life experience in the cosmos, and instead toward (...at the times where I still believe in God...) a feeling that God journeys with me, hurts with me, suffers with me, and supports my healing process as best God can. Naturally, it's a view that means God isn't all powerful in my life - God can't take away the hurts, and God doesn't wish for me to suffer them for some greater cosmic scheme. But it pairs with the more esoteric gospels in that it allows me to see a seed of the Kingdom of God (highly metaphorized, in my understanding) inside me.

You're in a long line of questions about why God lets bad things happen to good people. The book of Job is the shining ancient example - even the best of people experience the worst of things, and though Job tries, a good reason isn't always to be found. However, as an expert scholar on Job once said, what made Job righteous is that Job was willing to "wrestle with God" - to ask why.

You ask deep questions, for which I have no adequate answer. But I can offer a nugget of solidarity and say you're not wrestling with these questions alone, and I don't believe there's anything wrong with putting God on the spot when we struggle with understanding. If there's God, God can take it, and if someone likes to see support in the Bible, well... many people have wrestled with God, and often are revered and honored for doing so.

May your wrestling continue to be a movement toward internal peace.
~MM
 
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Fitz

Registrant
These are such interesting questions and answers!

Two thoughts immediately came to my mind.

In my mid-teens I was very angry at/ with God. I felt He had not only "allowed" bad things to come into my life but ignored my fervent prayers for help. As I was kind of a mess in those years -- withdrawn, angry, quiet, depressed, and all kinds of other things rolled into a ball of pain and anger, it didn't help to constantly have my mother pointing out to me that I needed to "count my blessings" and so on. One afternoon I was helping my maternal grandmother (whom I loved very much) with something and she took me by complete surprise by asking out of the blue, "Are you angry at God about something?" (She would later tell me she watched me during church services and thought my face was stony and angry.) I was surprised enough to admit that yes, I was angry at God. I have never forgotten what she said next: "Well, go ahead and let your anger out. God can take it and He understands it." That helped a lot....

Miracles? Yes. I do believe they are possible. There are things that have happened in my life that were just too fortuitous to dismiss as mere chance.
 
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