The Question

Hello Community,

As I had spent this past period in therapy, am now doing a group type program, and I spend a great deal of time on this site. I post, read, and respond to other posts, and go into the chatrooms quite frequently. I listen, absorb, I read, and do pay attention to what others have to say. All of this I take in which in turn gets it due consideration, or as much as I can give it.

I have abandoned the concept that I can somehow think my way our of this because I tried that for so long. Decades of trying to outsmart a foe who is unassailable in this fashion, or at least that is my conclusion. Throw every bit of brain power and logic you want at it and it never even scratches it. Not one little ding in its armor will you be able to make.

I have tried so many different things over the years that I cannot recall them all now. My failure thus far has not been lacking effort, inaccessibility to the healthcare one needs for this, I even turned to the highest authority of all at one point and not in a superficial way, I was all in. If that did not do me any good was a failure at that also?.

So, I just have one question and I don’t think it unfair to ask, I mean it is what everyone is here for right? What we see the specialists for, and all those previous things I have mentioned I have tried. I mean the question is simple, is the remainder of my life consigned to live it out like a train wreck in slow motion? Or.



Does it possibly ever get any damn better, whatsoever, in any fashion, or is that an illusion people tell themselves so that they can get up everyday?



I will say something now which is a sentiment I thought I was incapable of because typically I am such a fighter and refuse to loose. Often now I find myself thinking that I wished that [email protected] cancer would have done its job and finished me off. I am so tired of fighting this and loosing instead of gaining. I know this is not inspirational, uplifting or any of those good things. What it has turned into is how I feel, and I cannot help but acknowledge that.


With Deep Respect,

Jrperky010101
 

dark empathy

Registrant
jperky010101 said:
Does it possibly ever get any damn better, whatsoever,
.

Yes it does, indeed looked at from a strictly independent perspective it already has simply by virtue of you being on this site, ask questions, go through therapy, and make an effort to try to make things get better, although I'm well aware that recognising that is in itself nearly impossible when your in the middle of things.

Be kind to yourself.

Luke.
 

JDylah_da_Kylah

Registrant
@jperky010101 friend,

I have abandoned the concept that I can somehow think my way our of this because I tried that for so long.
This is a really important thing to understand. You simply cannot reason with trauma. It's one of the most primordial responses someone can have.

Also, you've mentioned cancer in a few posts--and one thing that I think is also really important to remember / understand is that there are multiple types of trauma. There's sexual abuse, of course, which makes things difficult on one level. But there are a great many other experiences which can become traumatic for the body, mind, spirit, or all three, each incident stacking the tower higher and higher. In some ways, I suppose, I'm not sure our bodies (especially our sympathetic nervous systems) understand the "types" of trauma--at the end of the day, they just know to kick into gear, and our brains do the best that they can to protect us (even as our bodies don't let us forget).

And I know this kind of flies in the face of how society constructs trauma or healing or really going through anything bad: you heal, boom, your done. Something else comes along and you heal from that. Each healing is a "clean slate," leaving you primed and ready to tackle whatever comes next. So I think it may also be worth reminding yourself that in their own ways, your other experiences (i.e. cancer, and probably some other experiences throughout your life) have all left their mark, either as trauma or something simply added to the body's list of "Things that have not gone well." There are multiple pieces to process.

And indeed you may heal well from one piece, but it's not uncommon for something new to come along and inexplicably throw you back to square one. Or to dredge up pieces of the past. It's never so cut-and-dry as I think many of us think it to be.

All of which is to say . . . be very gentle with yourself. It does get better, and you are a fighter. You're here. And even by daring to ask "Does this ever get better?"--to me that shows that you still have hope, however dim that hope may seem right now. Someone who's given up all hope of hope wouldn't bother to ask.

Keep at it, friend-o. It's not always going to feel this way.

Peace to you,
Dylan.
 
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It appears you're still fixated on finding the magic wand that will take it all away. I say that because in your reading you've missed the reality of what men here are saying and more importantly, doing. This is hard work and it takes time. There is no magic wand and no matter how smart you may be, there isn't an answer to any question that will take away the pain. Bad things happened to us and there were consequences. We lived through all of it, often suffering a great deal along the way. Now, we're telling the truth not only about what happened, but also how what happened affected how we lived our lives. What we do with that information is key... can we hold it all with compassion and take affirmative action on our own behalf... can we embrace our worthiness rather than lament our brokenness? And can we do that day after day, even when the old demons appear with enticing offers of release? This is how men here who have a modicum of peace in their lives have done it. When we fall on our face, we pick ourselves up and continue the journey. You're more than welcome to join us. The fact you became a member tells me that is your plan. We do this together, which is as it needs to be. We can't do it alone. Glad you joined us.
 
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KMCINVA

Registrant
Hello Community,


I have abandoned the concept that I can somehow think my way our of this because I tried that for so long. Decades of trying to outsmart a foe who is unassailable in this fashion, or at least that is my conclusion. Throw every bit of brain power and logic you want at it and it never even scratches it. Not one little ding in its armor will you be able to make.

I have tried so many different things over the years that I cannot recall them all now. My failure thus far has not been lacking effort, inaccessibility to the healthcare one needs for this, I even turned to the highest authority of all at one point and not in a superficial way, I was all in. If that did not do me any good was a failure at that also?.

So, I just have one question and I don’t think it unfair to ask, I mean it is what everyone is here for right? What we see the specialists for, and all those previous things I have mentioned I have tried. I mean the question is simple, is the remainder of my life consigned to live it out like a train wreck in slow motion? Or.



Does it possibly ever get any damn better, whatsoever, in any fashion, or is that an illusion people tell themselves so that they can get up everyday?


Jrperky010101
Jperky010101

You post is insightful. Like you I though I could intellectually think my way out of the past, the abuse, the triggers, the living environment. I look back and realize this was all my need to deny the abuse and bury it with the child. I came to accept I must release the pain, the hurt, the buried memories and reconnect with the child within who was living with the pain and fought me daily to be part of my life. It was a long journey, one filled with pain, hurt, shame, guilt, dissociation, flashbacks, nightmares and triggers. I was blessed with people who picked me up as I fell on my journey to heal. CSA is not logical to the mind of a child. It is disruptive to growth and living a united life as one person. I have many dings in my armor.

I tried many thinks to heal from journals, yoga, mindfulness, and with a friend who struggled with PTSD from war sweat lodges. Sadly, he lost his battle to overcome the trauma. In his honor I was committed to heal and say thank you for encouraging and accepting me. I was like the little buddy among his military friends. There is a bond between people who suffer trauma that many do not understand. I believe it was a combination of different methods that helped me to heal. I truly believe I will be healing for the rest of my life. I now understand my triggers and the importance of living in a loving and supportive environment.

Yes I am here for support and understanding from those that can understand. My T and a special friend have said we understand how trauma effects people but will never be able to feel the pain and hurt we live. We are bonded together to help each other.

Yes it is possible to get better. It takes time, support and commitment because it is a tough journey. We all move at our own pace (I am here about 9 years), we heal differently and what works for one may not work for someone else. Lean on us, your support group. I still have days of struggles but I can now pick myself up.

We are here for you.

Kevin
 
Hello Community,

As I had spent this past period in therapy, am now doing a group type program, and I spend a great deal of time on this site. I post, read, and respond to other posts, and go into the chatrooms quite frequently. I listen, absorb, I read, and do pay attention to what others have to say. All of this I take in which in turn gets it due consideration, or as much as I can give it.

I have abandoned the concept that I can somehow think my way our of this because I tried that for so long. Decades of trying to outsmart a foe who is unassailable in this fashion, or at least that is my conclusion. Throw every bit of brain power and logic you want at it and it never even scratches it. Not one little ding in its armor will you be able to make.

I have tried so many different things over the years that I cannot recall them all now. My failure thus far has not been lacking effort, inaccessibility to the healthcare one needs for this, I even turned to the highest authority of all at one point and not in a superficial way, I was all in. If that did not do me any good was a failure at that also?.

So, I just have one question and I don’t think it unfair to ask, I mean it is what everyone is here for right? What we see the specialists for, and all those previous things I have mentioned I have tried. I mean the question is simple, is the remainder of my life consigned to live it out like a train wreck in slow motion? Or.



Does it possibly ever get any damn better, whatsoever, in any fashion, or is that an illusion people tell themselves so that they can get up everyday?



I will say something now which is a sentiment I thought I was incapable of because typically I am such a fighter and refuse to loose. Often now I find myself thinking that I wished that [email protected] cancer would have done its job and finished me off. I am so tired of fighting this and loosing instead of gaining. I know this is not inspirational, uplifting or any of those good things. What it has turned into is how I feel, and I cannot help but acknowledge that.


With Deep Respect,

Jrperky010101
I, like you, have only started this journey of healing.

But unlike you, I have carried this horror my whole life. Just the little tidbits and glimpses I can see of change show me that it quite possibly get better, or at least a reprieve. I know you can hear the rah-rahs (at least that's how they sound in your head), but they are true, and listen to them. They matter, again they are true. They will help get you through this horrible and painful experience.

I have this vision in my head of this process as a pond (maybe lake) on a cold winter morning. Low clouds, not sunny. The lake looks frozen, but I know it's not. But I know I have to get across it. And I can't walk around it on the grass. I have to walk, I can't try and skate. I must walk to the other side. There will be soft spots on it where I could fall in, on a frozen lake when there are spots like that you can you usually know where the soft spots are coming and try to walk around them before falling in. And walking across a frozen pond with your friends makes it a whole lot easier whether they have already done it or will walk beside you to catch you. Or cheer from the side and come catch you if you fall in. You won't drown. Nobody will let you down.

The fact of the matter is Perk, doing this work is painful, but reaching out for support whenever you need it and staying connected for what you need at home you will get through this. That means going to T, if you need medication or whatever.

But in regards to MS, we will walk across the lake with you, holding your hand if we need to as you walk to the other side to prevent you from falling through the soft spots and cheering from the sides. It will get better. And asking for help and posting posts like this are a great and show tremendous courage and gumption. I'm proud of you.

GH999
 
Does it ever get better?

YES!

You are doing the right things – using every tool you can access. From what I have seen in your participation here, you apparently have the drive, motivation and determination. It does take time and effort and stamina and willingness to endure pain. It is sometimes excruciating, sometimes exhausting, but also sometimes exhilarating and exquisitely life-affirming. It is a process, a journey, an evolution or metamorphosis that sometimes seems so gradual that it feels like stagnation or even regression. But the growth and progress is real and irreversible if you keep at it.

BUT – a lot depends upon your expectations – how you define “better.” From what I have observed and experienced, it will never be as if it had never happened. That part of your life is an unalterable part of you. However, the healing and growth are also integral parts as well. Most survivors I have met who are actively and aggressively involved in their own healing are more sensitive, accepting and empathetic toward others, more open and self-aware, more willing to help and be helped. So there are a few rewards for the work.

If asked how much I have “recovered” I would say probably 90%. I can remember the debilitating depression and anxiety and the terror and pain or reliving the abuse events, but I no longer feel any of it with the same intensity. I don’t expect to ever reach 100% or even think that it is possible. But I would say that I am pretty high functioning compared to when I first started working through the SCA trauma. And I believe that it has been worth all of the “blood, sweat, and tears” that it took to get here.

All the best to you, fellow-traveler!

Lee
 
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Well said Lee. This is it. I encountered a book years ago with the subtitle "The Hard Work Miracle" that has always stayed with me. Healing from sexual trauma is certainly one of the hardest things a human can do but there are wonderful benefits that come from the effort. And yes, it is eternally a work in progress since the pain goes deep and affects every aspect of our being. But doing the work is much better than remaining lost in shame and despair. This, of course, is one reason why this website is so important. We need the support of our brothers to do this work. I'm eternally grateful for this simple reality. We do this together.
 
I mean the question is simple, is the remainder of my life consigned to live it out like a train wreck in slow motion? Or.
Oh man I wish I had the answer to your question.

I first started to deal with my past in the late 90's when my wife demanded to know what was going on with me in the night. I didn't know what was happening I would just find myself fully awake in full on panic. That was the first time I owned up to my past or some of it. I told her about sexual abuse before I was 5 and that it continued for a long time.

I was a complete mess and went to therapy was experimented on with so many combinations of medications that made my life a living hell all the way to not being able to control my bowels. The medication experiments ended with a close call with suicide. Instead of me stepping off a cliff my medications went instead. It was a very close to being the end it scared me. I have been around too much suicide in my life.

So life was hell and I got no breaks, I stopped therapy and left my wife thinking it pretty unfair to her to have to deal with what ever was happing to me. I went away to the bush and it took me about 5 years and a couple of surgeries more medications to deal with my physical problems. Think it got better for me starting on my 62 birthday I started therapy again, joined a PTSD site and went through hell again and found out what was waking me up in the night, it was nothing to do with sexual abuse, it was the sudden impact of a near fatal motorcycle accident.

Things started to get a little easier or seem to. Then something will trigger me and I am a mess again. The difference is I am able to work things out better most of the time and escape full on Panic.

My DX is cPTSD, depression, anxiety and I have a dissociative disorder, I loose time and memory and have a major problem with anger/rage.

So I guess what I can say to your question is it has gotten better for me, my past is never far away and I am getting better at control of my emotions. I am also a realist I know this will always be with me I hope it will not screw up the rest of my life, we never know what the future holds for us.

Hope that helped. I know that being kind to ones self makes life easier to live. Finding this place has helped me more than anything to start to figure this out and realize I am not alone there are many of us out there.

Take good care
 

BDD

Registrant
@jperky010101

I know it can get better.
I will always be the kid who’s very right to boyhood was publicly shamed out if him. I will always be the messed up kid that spiraled onto the streets. I will always be that teenager, drugged an paralyzed being chocked.
BUT I will also always be the man who Once hated himself, but doesn’t actively anymore. The kid who was forbidden to recognize himself as a boy stood onstage in a bodybuilding contest being compared to other men. I have gotten better, happier, calmer and more at peace then I ever dreamed possible.
Me, little shit, me.
 
Thanks Bri and Esterio. This is what makes MS so exceptional... truth telling by men who've found their way back from hell. This is what the journey looks like. Deep respect.
 
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