The price of abuse for me , **Triggers** Silenced Member

[andrew76]

**Triggering**


The price of abuse for me is taking its toll on me. i have been drinking and taking prescription meds pain killers,sleeping pills and muscle relaxers on top of the alcohol.The price also for me is taking its toll on me in the form of not being able to take care of an innocent baby that is supposed to depend on me and is expected due to me being physically not able to do things with this child let alone be able to carry this child, i feel like i am going to be about worthless for this child let alone anyone else thanks to the abuse i suffered in my own childhood and i am afraid that the words told to me during my abuse is coming to play itself out and maybe this is another reason why i am shoving things into the back of my mind with booze,drugs,hardcore music and now i am taking to going out for a long drive and hitting the hammer to as far as it can go maybe my abuser was right I would not amount to much and am not going to be able to stand and be someone that will make a difference.Hell i can't even keep myself and my marraige from failing what makes me think i can be anyones parent.Why am i going thru all this i don't deserve what i am being handed,hell what makes me think i can be even someone that this child will look at and be able to show that child what life is all about without it being overshadowed let alone having to explain things to this child why i am the way i am and why this child won't have a normal family to care for it.

The other price is now that because i have permanent damage to me thanks to the abuse i am afraid the child may have a disability after what i was told by one of the doctors following the pregnancy and i am so afraid that i contributed a child that i will have to be reminded of what i went thru as a child and having to watch that child suffer because of me and my childhood and the physical damage my abuser did to me.Another price is that my rights as a father have already come into play even before i have had the chance of trying to be some childs parent,have been told that if i leave that i will have no rights to this child and i will have to fight for everything in regard to this child let alone because of my disabilities that i can't help.

Feel like i am re-living my childhood all over again in this situation and how it all is playing out and am feeling helpless in being able to stop its course and i feel like i am already overboard with my lifevest just barely dangling off of me and i feel like i am sinking with no way of recovering without sinking first man overboard starboard side.

Many people think i should be happy right now and the questions have come what do you think about all this and how do you feel about being some childs parent,I honestly can't bring myself to really tell them how i feel or think as i know i would get the third degree from every last one of them and some say you should be thankful maybe so but right now i can't see clear enough without the clouds hanging over me and feeling like i have to prove myself to everyone around me thanks to what they know about me and what they already think about me thanks to what i went thru as a child.Why do things like this have to ruin something that is supposed to be a time to reflect on what i am being entrusted with and how i am to mold that entrustment the way it should be.

Am feeling like it would be much more easier to just throw in the towel and let things completely fail then to continue the fight,i am not needed even my spouse told me that she can go find someone else and be happy during some of our conversations so can anyone tell me why i should want to continue with the round as the bell is about to sound and the towel is very accessable why not let everything go and let someone else be what this child deserves.The more i think about what is about to be entrusted to me the more i am reminded of my own lost childhood and the more pain is brought to the surface that i can't talk to anyone about since they don't understand it all and they want to take a hardliner approach instead of understanding where i am and maybe what they can do to help if they want to see me thru this very difficult time especially since I was abused not even a month after birth then given up to foster care then adopted and then abused again.What do i know or think i know about being a father nothing and don't think i will amount to much either.I know usually it is the mother who needs the support during a time like this but with everything going on i can't bring myself to care about my spouse even though she may be carrying my child things are so far gone i do not see daylight and right now i have taken a wait and see approach with my spouse and the childs birth and even if i am going to be there when the child is born.

My "T" doc mentioned something this week about trying to think about what 4 anchors i have to keep things from failing and right now the only ones i can come up with is:

1)alchohol
2)drugs
3)hardcore metal
4)My trusty glock & speed

Guess i have failed that test too if he means something more substancial then those types of things, right now i think i am doing well with those things and going to the gun range quite often.I know there are people here that care it just is hard to see things in any light right now everything is so screwed up including me.

Edited by Andrew76 - silenced member

 

[Muldoon]

Andrew
It is a big responsablity to bring a child into the world and you may need help with some parenting skills but don't give up on yourself.

Once the child is born you may look at every thing in a new light. I am sure you will be up to the task. Tom

 

[roadrunner]

Andrew,

I will just say that I know what you are talking about where alcohol and drugs are concerned. I did everything except heroin, and that was just because it wasn't available. I didn't consider I was having fun at a party until I had been sick at least once, and a few times I went into convulsions from alcohol poisoning. I got so high I couldn't tell a street from a river.

My point is that there IS a way back from all that. We aren't lost and beyond hope. I have been clean for a long time now, and one thing that keeps me on track is thinking of my kids. They need me to be a good father, even now when they are 21 and 18.

You may want to consider some therapy or counselling for parenting skills, sure, but at the same time I would say that being needed by a child can have a huge effect on a man. It begins the first time that infant feels your finger and instinctively holds on to it.

One of the keys here, my friend, is not to write yourself off. "I can't" so easily becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy.

Much love,
Larry

 

[John Oarc]

The pressure of having a child along with all the other issues we have to face can become overpowering and cause a great amount of fear which is something we have much experience with, "fear" that is, the fear of failure, of the unknown, can be disturbing to the point of feeling unable to cope with life anymore. I hope and pray that you are feeling better and I hope you hang in here at MS. We care about you and I know you know that.

 

[dwf]

Hi Andrew,

You wrote about "trying to think about what 4 anchors" ...then you said...

"1)alchohol
2)drugs
3)hardcore metal
4)My trusty glock & speed"

That's five.

You say the price of the abuse is too high; but where does it say you have to pay the price?

Maybe consider negotiating with yourself for a better deal - drugs and alcohol can only make things worse - and drive the price you have to pay up.

Stop the drinking and drugging if you want to live. If you can't stop, then you need help and there's lots of that available if you will accept it.

We're all here to support you in your recovery - but not in your self-destruction.

Take good care,

Danny

 

[Morning Star]

Andrew,

I hope that you can see that your time with Andrew 'junior' as an opportunity to heal your inner child.

Just care for him the way you would have wanted yourself to be cared for.

In time you will see that the love that you bring into your life thru these interactions would be enough for you to heal your past and create a better future.

Children are a blessing, that is right!

 

[dwf]

Oh, and get rid of that goddamned gun!

Regards,

Danny

 

[Morning Star]

...infact each person that we can love, only adds to the love in our life. And you have two!
You are lucky man.

 

[pjn]

I drank for 20 years . thats 20 years every day! O.K. maybe I missed a few days cause I was broke or sick or trying to quit but thats not much consolation. I did pot too for 10 so I can speak from experience.You don't want to end up in a ER with a doctor pushing on your liver saying your gonna die if you don't quit.My Blood Pressure was 160/110 too.Even to this day my Liver hasn't fully healed and I haven't had a even a smell of booze since 2001. I was raped at 7 and again later in my teens by the same person who was molested by his father. We all have similar experiences. I can tell you at the time I found this website ( and now I am a member too) I was seriously thinking of committing myself. The PTSD was that bad!!! I found friends here and just knowing that your not alone is gonna help big time.I am not a parent so I can't offer up advice for that but I am a addict and this is probably gonna upset you but here it goes.
You have to quit the booze and drugs.You know after I got tired of ER visits and the hours of intense fear of dying from booze like so many have done I was mad. Mad at how fucking easy it was to quit and not look back. Mad that I offered up so much of my life to Anheiser Busch family . I survived you can too thats what this website is about . I know it doesnt seem like it right now but it will get better.All things must pass.Please keep us updated on how you are doing .PJ

 

[Kirk Wayne]

Andrew

Like pjn, I drank (alcoholically) everyday for neigh on 25 years and I was using drugs everyday for 15 of those at least. It wasnt my abuse that drove me to try and commit suicide three times it was my addictions. I was sick and tired of feeling sick and tired but could not stop....that was until my last suicide attempt when I thought this is pointless I cant even do away with myself in a proper manner, I was usually too drunk or stoned. What a total failure.

However things were to get worse. As soon as I got sober and clean my abuse came back to haunt me big time. Once again I thought do I really want to go back into that world of insanity called addiction? "NO" I did not as I am pretty sure my mental state would not have been able to take it. I had to face my abuse head on without any crutch and it was frightening, I felt all those emotions and fears that the addictions had smothered over the years but I was shown that I could get through it and come out the other side a better human being. I could not do this on my own so I took every bit of support and advice that was offered to me, some of it was what I call "tough love". I hated it but I began to take on board what those people were telling me and things started to get better. It was a time of relearning all those things that I had forgot and by heck life today is a dam sight better than it ever was. Once more as pjn says "all things must pass" I prefer the maxim of "this too shall pass" and it is possible to get through all this crap. I'm alive, I have proved it and more to the point I am enjoying life, but I do still have off days but then again that is what life is all about.

Take it easy

Kirk

"Lets grab this bull by the horns and swing it about a bit"

 

[roadrunner]

Kirk,

I enjoyed your whole post - so uplifting and encouraging. And of course the end is what guys need to hear:

I'm alive, I have proved it and more to the point I am enjoying life, but I do still have off days but then again that is what life is all about.

Much love,
Larry