The pond attack. TW physical assault in detail.
Sorry if I posted this already. I tried to see but can't be sure. Since starting therapy the body memory has shifted somewhat. I experience it far more now the awful tingling, but I no longer spiral out of control as badly.
I'd already been being bullied for a good year by my peers when the pond attack happen. I barely had time to realize he was running at me in anger and get to my feet before he got to me. No words, no warning or threats in advance, just thrown face down in the mud inches from the water. I still feel his weight straddling my body across my back, arms pinned at my sides. The realization he was slipping my own tube sock across my throat hitting my mind moments before the searing pain struck. I still feel the terror flooding me and the need to scream now but only silence comes out or choking sobs for mercy to ghosts I can't see but can still hear the laughing. The pain has been replaced with this awful tingling sensation that I feel across the front of my neck during the flashback or any attempt to even describe it, like right now.
I realized recently that what I been thinking I was fearing, in the flashbacks, was the pain. But the real issue is I was afraid I was going to die. That I was going to die crying and begging for mercy while others watched and only laughed. That I was disposable. That I could die and not only would no one try to save me but they could laugh and watch. What if he had not stopped when he did and let me go with the warning that the pond was theirs and never to return ringing in my ears? I fled towards home trying to wipe the mud from my eyes and mouth. It took weeks for the skin to heal enough to stop seeping. All my father saw by the time he got to the pond an hour or so later was my face print in the mud and my belongings in the water. I feel like he contacted the police but I honestly can’t remember any details either way. I never saw the boy again in the community anywhere else. He was older and grades were spread across buildings and bus routes so I was never sure if he could still be around elsewhere. When no one was caught and the rest of the world moved on I realized others only care so long when it isn’t their trouble directly.
This attack happen the summer before my rape. I feel like it set the stage for my only reaction to be flee or freeze though.
I'd already been being bullied for a good year by my peers when the pond attack happen. I barely had time to realize he was running at me in anger and get to my feet before he got to me. No words, no warning or threats in advance, just thrown face down in the mud inches from the water. I still feel his weight straddling my body across my back, arms pinned at my sides. The realization he was slipping my own tube sock across my throat hitting my mind moments before the searing pain struck. I still feel the terror flooding me and the need to scream now but only silence comes out or choking sobs for mercy to ghosts I can't see but can still hear the laughing. The pain has been replaced with this awful tingling sensation that I feel across the front of my neck during the flashback or any attempt to even describe it, like right now.
I realized recently that what I been thinking I was fearing, in the flashbacks, was the pain. But the real issue is I was afraid I was going to die. That I was going to die crying and begging for mercy while others watched and only laughed. That I was disposable. That I could die and not only would no one try to save me but they could laugh and watch. What if he had not stopped when he did and let me go with the warning that the pond was theirs and never to return ringing in my ears? I fled towards home trying to wipe the mud from my eyes and mouth. It took weeks for the skin to heal enough to stop seeping. All my father saw by the time he got to the pond an hour or so later was my face print in the mud and my belongings in the water. I feel like he contacted the police but I honestly can’t remember any details either way. I never saw the boy again in the community anywhere else. He was older and grades were spread across buildings and bus routes so I was never sure if he could still be around elsewhere. When no one was caught and the rest of the world moved on I realized others only care so long when it isn’t their trouble directly.
This attack happen the summer before my rape. I feel like it set the stage for my only reaction to be flee or freeze though.
