The people in my life

The people in my life
D

dwf

Registrant
This has been bugging me all week. And since I'm sick, tired, overworked and frustrated it's time for me to let go of some of it.

I hope you all don't mind that I come here to share it with you.

For me it has been important to keep up the work I do in recovering from the effects of sexual abuse.

Many, many times I am reminded that it is my recovery. And that I alone am responsible for dealing with my pain.

When I try to get get better for someone else, or even at someone else, eventually the process has broken down. There's a lot that I could say about that breakdown; but maybe I'll save that for another time.

So here I am recovering myself, for myself. I remain convinced that is the absolute best thing I could ever do for the people in my life.

I don't slog through all this misery in hopes of making other people happy; though I firmly believe that other people will stand a better chance of getting some good from knowing me as a result of my recovery.

Still, I know deep down inside that ultimately my purpose on earth is be seek to become the fulfilment of all that I can be. To express, model and share the incredible potential that the universe endows each and everyone of us with.

It's up to me to make of my life the best that I can and for me as someone who has survived being sexually abused, that means overcoming the effects of the abuse.

So much of the damage that happened to me can prevent me from having full, happy and useful interactions with others.

I became so acutely aware of this over the weekend when my 4 year old niece and I spent the day together on the 'tulip farm'.

Her mom is pretty sick with lupus and so Caroline doesn't get to play outdoors too much. My brother travels a lot for work and so I try to give Caroline as much time and attention as I can.

It is a wonderful gift for me to spend time with this child. To be able to participate in her life and to do my part to ensure that it is free of abuse and neglect is in a sense a culmination of my recovery.

In this case, it can also be heartbreaking since Caroline see her mom being sick and in the hospital all the time.

This Sunday, after many wonderful moments and photographs of this sweet little girl playing in the field of beautiful tulips, she turned to me and opened a new conversation in a very matter of fact voice.

She said that mommies die sometimes and that means that go away for a long time. She added that she did not want her mommy to die, but that it might happen.

I asked her if she and her mommy had talked about this and she said they had. I don't really think there were many words that could express the love I felt at that moment.

I gave her a hug and a kiss, like I do lots of times, and then she and I went back to playing tulip farm.

Even though I know that my recovery is my responsibility, that doesn't keep me from being so grateful for it so that I can be present for the people in my life, like my niece, Caroline.

There is nothing really to be done, no miracle cure that I can bring, no way to make it all better....but today because I have found the courage and the strength to ask for help in overcoming the insanity in my life that came about as a result of being sexually abused, I can be there to play with, listen to, hug, kiss, hold and protect my niece.

And that's an incredible gift that makes it all worthwhile.

I'll keep working on my recovery because I know that God has given me so much to share and give and receive. And as a result I will be present and available and able to love the people in my life.

Thanks for being a part of it with me,
 
Thank you Danny for sharing this very positive message about recovery.
I am grateful today that my agressor hasn't killed the love in my heart. I am glad you are able to feel so much love inside and that you are giving this love too.
This is something we should always remember in our recovery. As a survivor also in love with another survivor, I am trying to go back to this love whenever I am sad, angry and frustrated.
Wishing you and your niece the best along your journey.
Caroline
 
Danny
You are a lucky man to have such a wonderful girl in your life, even in the realisation that so much grief could be around the corner.
Dave
 
Danny, thanks very much for sharing here, I know I benefit a lot from all your posts and this one was heartwarming to read.

Someday, I think it would be good too to hear more about this part of what you spoke of -
When I try to get get better for someone else, or even at someone else, eventually the process has broken down. There's a lot that I could say about that breakdown; but maybe I'll save that for another time.
Click to expand...
As an F & F, it's good to hear those reminders, at least for me it is. thanks again, An
 
Danny

It's been difficult for me to write a response to this post, mostly because it cuts close to home.

To be able to participate in her life and to do my part to ensure that it is free of abuse and neglect is in a sense a culmination of my recovery.
Click to expand...
Experiences like this have been joyful and rewarding for me (especially with my own children) but also difficult because of how easy it is to compare those lives with my own.

It is an incredible "letting go" to lose my anger and disappointment about the past in the happy moments I can share with others. But before I can let them go I have to recognize them and it is draining.

Moments of acceptance and protection are unforgettable treasures to children in grief and worry; you and your niece are sharing that gift. I am saddened to hear about her situation but grateful that she has safe, loving people like you around her.

SAR
 
The 'people in my life'--Caroline, her mom and dad (my brother) stopped by to see me today on their way home from Sunday services.

Caroline's mom is sick again with another lung infection; this after surgery two weeks ago to try to alleviate her breathing troubles. My brother looked very tired and worried, more so than usual. He's quite a bit older than his wife, she being his second wife. His first spouse was killed in a bicycle accident some 5 years ago.

Caroline was happy to see the tulips again and was showing me a picture she had colored in Sunday classes.

They dropped off some homemade soup because I have been under the weather for the last week or so.

We all walked through the mud to do the back garden and oohed and aahed at the thousands of red and pink tulips waiting to be harvested.

They were in a hurry to leave, because mom was sick; but none of us could tear ourselves away from the beauty of the tulips nor from the warmth of the love, that everyday, life goes on type of love that feels so natural and so real--like the mud on our shoes or the tulips in the field.

Caroline got upset when it was time to go. She wanted to stay and play some more. I had bought two decks of cards--SlapJack and OldMaid at the drug store for her next visit.

They drove off. I went in my house and sat down. I felt so tired that I could drop. I realize that I work so hard in part to keep the feelings of sadness and sorrow at bay.

Yet, I know that I don't have to keep my feelings of loss and grief at arms length indefinitely. I know that there is enough faith, hope and love between all of these people in my life that we can all bear to stop and weep for a time.

Feeling the gratitude for blessings in the midst of this difficult time for my sister-in-law does not mean that I do not feel incredibly sad when I allow myself to contemplate the future. Nor does the awareness of the untarnished grace of a child's love erase the daily worry of medicines, treatments, doctors, fevers, infections and impatient delays.

Being grateful for the blessings and aware of the pure grace of love does mean that whenever I choose to leave my worries where I found them, I can return to that safe, loving place that I and the people in my life have created--there in that place at any time I choose, I can experience joy and wonder and beauty.

To me that is the gift of recovery. To be given the choice, the possiblity of choosing and endowed with the self love to choose what is good and tender and wholly fulfilling for myself.

My worries and fears will wait for me. I will return to them in a while.

The sharp pangs of sad sorrow draw forth the sweet soothing solace of loving kindness.

And I feel whole.

I am so tired tonight I can hardly stand it.

Life is so rich and so full, it sometimes seems an excess.

Then I get to grow so I can be big enough to embrace it.

Peace to all,
 
Monday morning, feeling ill, I presented myself at the hospital emergency room. My heart rate was 200 over 190.

My chest was hurting, I was short of breath and my head ached terribly.

I received medical attention immediately and my heart beat was regularized. The doctor administered a drug which first stops and then restarts the heart, hopefully at a more normal rate.

A good friend of mine was there with me when all this occurred. Later my brother came to see about me. Since then, my sisters and others have been calling daily to check on me.

I suffered an attack of Supraventricular Tachycardia. Brought on, the doc says, by too much stimulation. Caffeine, exertion, lack of rest, having been ill with a cold, taking allery medications etc.

Since then I have had many moments of feeling very sad and very lonely. It is as if my heart got broken somehow in this process and not quite put back together again.

I am very glad that I have the people in my life who love me and care for me. More glad than I can say.

Yet, when they've all gone and I'm alone again with my heart, it feels very lonely and very scary.

I'm doing my best to relax and yet also finish the tulip harvest....the most important one because of Valentines Day....how's that for heart problems in spades?

I'm going to the cardiologist today for more tests, so who knows what lies ahead.

I am feeling very tired and yet cannot sleep.

I wish someone was here with me who would love me and care for me and not go away.

I can feel my heart beating now, normally I hope, and I wonder if it will stop suddenly or speed up incredibly fast like it did before.

All I can do is come here and write about it. I hope you understand. And then go and get ready to face the rest of my day.

Love somebody today. Give something special to a person in your life that lets them know they are cared for unconditionally.

Warm regards to my friends and my families here,
 
((((((((((((((Danny))))))))))))))
 
((((Danny))))

Sounds scary. Glad you got attention quickly!

I hope you can ask for help if you need it for your tulip harvest. It feels so beautiful; dozens and dozens of beautifully colored "I love you's" going out into the world.

Emerald
 
Happy Valentine's Day Danny. I guess if you are in the flower business it's a mixed blessing. Kind of like Mother's Day in restaurants.

I hope you are allowing and enjoying the love of all those folks who are pulling for you--here and in your "real" life. :)
 
Message edited in vain attempt to post a lovely photo of Caroline and the tulips harvest.

Any one help?

Thanks,
 
https://pg.photos.yahoo.com/ph/mytexastulips/
detail?.dir=d99d&.dnm=461f.jpg

I do feel the love and support being sent my way...in waves it seems. I am buoyed along by their motion with no fear of drowning or disappearing.

This is another abortive attempt at displaying an image. I've done it before, but cannot do it again. Any help?

Thanks,
 
Here you go, Danny. She's an Angel!

461f.jpg


Edit: Friday - Apparently, Yahoo doesn't want direct links to the photos on their site. The address changed from yesterday, and I'm sure this pic will be gone tomorrow. You'll need a different host site to leave it here permanently.
 
Thanks Don-NY, for the assist.

Regards,
 
Hi Danny, I hope you are feeling better now. I feel like a ass, for not speaking up sooner.
I see you are trying to display pictures. I don't think yahoo will let you. But most ISP's let you have about 5 megs of storage on a server for a personal page, you can put your pictures there, and link to them. Just call tech support to check it out, they have to set it up.
 
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