The past four months

[fusionoflove]

Hey there everyone,

My recovery is going well. I've actually stopped therapy for a bit. I need the time to recharge the batteries. No panic attacks in over two months, but I've suffered from a little high anxiety. I could feel it though, instead of it being a constant thing. I was being defensive
that's all.

The other day I saw my attacker for a fleeting second. Christ, I don't know how I kept my composure so well. I wanted to rip out his throat. I wanted to kill him. I wasn't afraid of an attack as in I would've cowered in a corner. I was ready to go at it. Luckily nothing happened, I don't even know if he saw me.

It's crazy, but living in LA, CA can be one of the lonliest places on earth. Sometimes I feel like I'm just here, but no one notices me. Man, I really hate having to deal with so many issues. It's screwed up so many friendships and possible relationships. That's what hurts me the most. I've pushed so many woman away from me. I'm a good looking guy and have a good personality, but I feel incomplete, like I'm not a man sometimes. Something less, I don't feel like a monster anymore. More just like a broken individual. It's not a fractured feeling, more like an empty one. I've started to ramble, but I just wanted to throw things out in a stream of consciousness for people.

I wish I could continue therapy right now, but I'm not ready. I've done so much in the past 4 months that I need a vacation of sorts, but a working vacation from myself. Anyway, I'm going to bounce and hit the pillow.

Take it easy,
Fusion

 

[Leosha]

Fusion,

You sound like a wise man! It is a wise man who understands what it is he needs at any given time, and actually DOES it! If you need the break from therapy, by all means, take it. You are in charge, what you do is of your choosing. How often in the past have we been able to say that??

I am sorry you had the occasion to see your abuser. I can relate to that, as I seen mine last month, and have at various times since the abuse stopped. Last month, one time when I seen him was by my volition, in my control. The other one was a 'surprise attack' by him. My reactions in the two situations were still markedly different. I can appreciate your feelings of violence toward the man. It brings up such thoughts in me that I never would thought possible.

I hope that you continue to do well, with no panic, and return here, and to therapy, as you feel comfortable and the need to. In meantime, I hope you enjoy your break. Take good care of yourself.

leosha

 

Fusion,

Man do I know what you mean about living in LA and feeling all alone. 10 million people out here and I have that same feeling.

Taking some time off from the therapy is not a bad idea. But I hope you have told your therapist and arranged for a contact time just to let him/her know what your next step is.

Take care of yourself.

One in ten million,

Marc