The past comes knocking (TRIGGERS!)

The past comes knocking (TRIGGERS!)
C

crisispoint

Registrant
Well, it's been a busy couple of days, so let's recap:

My father's back in the hospital, and I'm taking care of the cat. One of my sisters is giving me gried for not sleeping over there, and for the life of me I couldn't answer satisfactorily, even to myself. Then it hit me. Since I'm living with my other sister and her family, and most of the crap I'm dealing with has come out, I find that I can't sleep for a long time in a place I'm completely by myself. Because I'm afraid. A grown man and I'm afraid of being by my frigging self when I sleep because I STILL think they can come in and hurt me. This is beyond nightmares, beyond everything.

It's nuts. :(

Then, I'm out looking for a car (AGAIN! Anyone got a spare 50 grand they can give me? I'm a worthy cause, I think! :p ) and I get lost. And somehow, somefuckingway, I end up passing the place where the adult rape occured, cooking off a series of flashbacks, emotional rages, and just plain sadness and fear.

Perverse serendipity at work. :(

I survived, though.

And I plan to visit at least the outside of the school where I was abused tomorrow. I want to take that place back from that evil motherfucker.

So I feel crappy. Wonderful.

But it hasn't broken me. Not by a long shot.

And part of me hopes that, someday, despite being afraid of them, I can find ALL the abusers, because I want the opportunity to show THEM exactly who I AM. More importantly, I want them to know WHY THEY should fear ME, not the other way round.

Progress?

A sad progress, but not all progress can be peaches and cream. Or in my case, Suntory and Sashimi.

It appears, too, that I can still joke. Progress indeed.

Peace and love,

Scot
 
Scot,

I hope you do reclaim all those places. I hope you fill them with good memories of things that give you sincere joy.

It's not unusual to be afraid to go to sleep. At least it's not for me. I went to bed last night, and my wife was already there. I had to have my stuffed animals. I lay next to her in the bed, jumping and gasping every few minutes, looking to see who else was there, fearing what they would do to me.

Just another night. Sooner or later I get unconcious, and thankfully, I almost never remember any dreams. Something tells me that's a very good thing.
But it hasn't broken me. Not by a long shot.
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I don't believe it will break you. You have too much strength, even in your worst times. You know when to bend rather than break. You know how, when, and where to ask for help.

I'd like to hear about how you take back the outside of the school. I like reading about progress. It gives me hope.

Thanks,

Joe
 
I can go to sleep usually if my wife is still up reading. But!!!!!! If she goes to bed first, I have found myself waking up with the light on. I will read and watch TV to avoid going to sleep after she does, now exlain that!

I am proud of you for moving forward. You can take back those places. They are ghosts of the past. Make sure you have support!

PEACE!

TJ
 
Scot

And part of me hopes that, someday, despite being afraid of them, I can find ALL the abusers, because I want the opportunity to show THEM exactly who I AM. More importantly, I want them to know WHY THEY should fear ME, not the other way round.
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Seize it !!! it was never theirs in the first place.

Dave
 
Scot,

Despite all, it sounds like you are coping. Keeping your sense of humor and keeping grounded.

First of all: 50 grand for a car. :eek: Jeepers creepers, I couldn't afford the plates and insurance if someone gave me a 50 grand car. Yikes. I would be receptive to a donation of 8 grand for my favorite charity, Bill_1965. :D Or 50 grand or so for the buy Bill_1965 a house fund. ;)

Okay, now forward. The only one you need to answer to is yourself. Be honest with that one. You are as safe as you allow yourself to be. Most of that is in our minds. We can feel safe walking through the ghetto at midnight (I have) or we can feel vulerable to attack locked behind steel doors.

Less than two weeks ago, I had spent some time where most of the abuses took place. I looked up into the apartment building. While at city hall and the police station months prior, I could see the house that most of the abuse took place at. I drove by the house that I was introduced to sodomy. A lot of memories came back. Memories, not all flashbacks.

Keep hanging in there, take those places back. You did survive and will continue to survive.

Those sick bastards have all the reasons to fear you. And should.


So I feel crappy. Wonderful.

But it hasn't broken me. Not by a long shot. Desiring and realizing that is great progress. Progress is a bowl of peaches (remember peaches have pits and you will come across those occassionally and if you eat too many peaches, a quick trip to the can is needed).

Yes, progress indeed.

Take care,
Bill
 
I'm sorry Scot. I can relate to the past 'come knocking' at times. Sometimes it seems like the future is just rerun of the past. But I know that isn't true, that we do have something more we are working towards. Everyone have the bad periods at times. Sometime it seems like that is all we have. But always, as long as we stay with life, and keep with it, it gets better. You know that, I know you do. Keep on moving forward. It does not matter how big the steps, as long as you are facing the right direction. Just keep swimming!

Leosha
 
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