The Pain of a Touch

The Pain of a Touch
L

Lightfang

Registrant
Something strange happened the other day. My wife and I were in the middle of an argument with no end in sight. I haven't slept well for about two weeks and this was getting to both of us. I was sitting at my computer shaking, full of anxiety and rage towards myself. Why the rage was towards me and not aimed at someone else I am not sure. But none the less, I was shaking uncontrollably. My wife sensing I needed a hug came up behind me and placed her hand on my shoulder. The shaking stopped and my eyes closed. I, no longer feeling any anxiety, started to giggle inside and I felt light and free. I could feel a smile start to form on my lips. As her arms came down around my chest, the light free feeling I felt inside changed to fear. All of a sudden I felt the arm of my uncle rapping around me from behind, and I smelled the air of his apartment. I was fourteen years old and sitting at his kitchen table wearing a pair of shorts and a tank top. I was so scared I could not move or speak. I could only sit there and wonder what he was going to do next. The excitement racing through my body started to give way to feelings of relaxation. I knew what he was doing and wanted it to happen. Because when ever he touched me that way I could have sex. I could enjoy the love we shared. I could feel good. I needed the drug called love. I needed to hear him say how wonderful I felt, and how great I was. It was the only compliments I could get. No one else seemed to care about me. Why shouldn't I spend time with my uncle? He was there to look after me. He cared about what I felt and thought. He wanted to give me what ever he could to make me happy. I will want him again and again because it is the only thing that can make me feel good. He promised to never hurt me. He lied. Then a touch of sadness, followed by humiliation and discuss filled my heart as I realized I would only be setting myself up again. After we finish and after the initial joy of release is gone, I will feel empty and lonely. I will wonder why I ever let him into my life. Why I was letting him control me that way. Why? Then, just as quickly as it appeared the feelings were gone, I realized I was not fourteen but thirty-six. I was not at my uncle's home but in my home with my wife's arms around me. My eyes were not filled with joy, or tears, but only with sadness for the little boy I once was.
My depression did not go away immediately but a couple days later, and the argument with my wife went on for yet another day. But I know in the future I will find it difficult when arguing with her, because when I needed to relive the pain of that touch, she was there for me.
Still to this day, it is hard to believe the hold that man had over me. I turned my back on the few friends I had, and the girls friend I wanted, just to be near him. Just to feel what I thought was love from a man that only knew how to cause pain and sarrow.
The hug from my wife lasted only 10 seconds, the memory will last a life time.
Thank you God for your love and for showing me the truth he hid from me. Thank you NOMSV for being here for me and supporting all survivors with your LOVE.

George R.
 
Your post really got me to thinking about a conversation I had a week or so ago with some friends that I found disturbing. We were discussing the impact of childhood sexual abuse and also the age of consent as it varies from nation to nation. This one guy was making a case for a reduced age of consent, stating that 18 is just an arbitray number, and that sex between a young adolescent and a grown man is not necessarily wrong. As this conversation continued I began to feel like I was in the presence of a pedophile. I must say he did not say he wanted to have sex with teenagers himself, he was speaking in more general terms about the principle. But it really creeped me out!

It's one thing for two 14 yr. olds to have sex with each other, but quite another for one to have sex with an adult. And who is the adult? For the opportunity to arise, there is most likely a betrayal of trust, authority, relationship on some level. No matter how the sex is instigated, the adult has the responsibility to say no. Period. How can there be any argument about this? Look at the impact this had on our friend, Lightfang. Sure it feels good to be getting attention, even the physical act feels good. So no wonder a 14 yr. old is vulnerable. These perpetrators know this, use it to their advantage, and move on leaving the kid to sort it all out later. No wonder he is left feeling lost, confused, filled with self-loathing for something that was not his fault. The kid is not to blame, no matter how much he may have thought he wanted it at the time.

I'm afraid I did not speak up very much during the conversation I am referring to. When things like this come up unexpectedly, my head literally gets hot and my thinking gets fuzzy. I feel like I need to have a follow up talk with this guy, which will be hard because I actually like him, has always seemed very decent. I think he may actually be covering up or defending against acknowledging that he was victimized himself, so I guess I should not judge him.

Your story exemplifies all that is wrong with sex between teenagers and adults, George. And how adults can be so deceptive and manipulative. And how very costly the damage is for 30 minutes of "fun" for the adult. Your story really helped me sort some things out. Thanks for contributing.
 
safe (((((((Lightfang)))))))))) I been thinkin about you alot lately. Hope things are better with Mrs. LF. You are lucky to have her. Be well. Stay well.
 
George,

Thank you for posting you have our support as you deal with this.

I am struck by how our memories are held physically locked deeply in the nervous system patterns of stress and pain waiting to be released on some trigger to say their truth about moments we deny a denial which has left us numb with only the anxiety to mark its presence

I know that each time something like this surfaces for me I hate it, Im thrown back into the confusion which followed the event - but having felt the raw physical memory also gives me the opportunity to reconsider the layers with which I covered it layers which contorted my experience of childhood and adulthood - full of fears and lies and numbness with each chance to reconsider there is the chance to change

Your reflections, as painful as they are, show recovery in process hugs ..t
 
I've encountered a similar situation. I used to wake up out of a sound sleep if I felt my wife's breath on the back of my neck if she snuggled against me during the night. For years I thought that it was just one of those things but since I've been taking care of the abuse issues, it makes sense. Sometimes it still bothers me but most times I find her closeness comforting to me. All these sensory memories tied to the abuse that happened so long ago... I have new memories, pleasant memories, to replace them but the old ones still pop up unexpectedly.

Take good care of yourselves,

Steve
 
Roy,
Thank you for your reply, I have run into discussions like that myself. I find it discussting that so many people can believe that children are able to make a up their own mind when it comes to sex. When I visited Panama with the Army, their age of consent was 13. I couldn't believe how many guys in my Battalion thought that was okay. I voiced my opinion openly and to my suprise many guys agreed. (Just going along with the crowd, I guess)

Stephen_5,
I too have that same strange feeling whenever my wife snuggles with me at night. EMDR worked for awhile but it took to much to keep it up. so now we simply sleep with me holding her with her back to me. it is the only way we are able to sleep. She is also a survivr, so it has been a long difficult road for both of us. I think that has helped us stay together for so long. She understands what it is like to live with thiis pain in our rear view mirror. And most of the time she is willing to assist when I need help and give me my space when I need that too.

So just to add a line to my original post.

Thank You God for sending me my soul mate, Kelly.

George R.
 
George, sounds like you really hit alot of nerves with your post. I would give a toe to get a hug from the woman I love. It has been two years now since I began my journey by finally coming to terms with my past. The things I did to hide, trying to figure it all out; all worked against me and she had a hard time with it all.... and asked me to leave.Can't say that I blame her I could not give her the answers to the questions she had; don't know if I can yet. I have gone it alone except for a good councillor and so many tears that at times I thought my eyes surely must be dried out. A hug from a person that is not there to harm you (as we all have been) can be the strength we need to get through another day, to sort through yet another memory and just plain feel good about yourself. If it helps anyone, a great big hug and a " your going to be alright" from this part of the world. Take care
 
There are other sides to this. Touch. So many sides.....

See me.
Feel me.
Touch me.
Heal me.
--The Who, from Tommy

It's been 30 years since I first heard this song. I wished and prayed for someone to do that. When I saw the movie, I broke down in sobs and had to leave the theater. I became a daily pot smoker after this and got involved in a terribly destructive, toxic, abusive (to me) sexual relationship.

Then there is the wanting to touch someone else. And the fear of what it means. """""I can't do that. It's evil. It is wrong. It is bad."""""
More fuc*ing lies.

For decades I couldn't be near children. When my friends from high school and college began having children, I had to end the friendships. I couldn't be around young children. They were too likely to touch or hug a friendly loving adult. I couldn't take the chance I might contaminate them. When one of my buddies let his 2 year old son take a shower with him I freaked and went on a drinking binge that lasted for weeks.

But finally, finally, there is the healing power of touch.

My younger sister had a child, a boy, and the love I always had for her, became magnified for this beautiful child. He always ran to me and hugged me and kissed me, and God, it was good.

And another LIE died. It was this child's hugs that began the process that leads me to where I am today. A former victim, a survivor who is moving and growing and learning and sees light and truth more and more all the time.

If I want to be touched, I have to touch as well. When I can't touch first, I am learning to ask for a hug. It's simple really. There are people I trust, like my sister, and two friends and I can go to them and say, "I need a hug."

And I get one. And it is a gift that I can't even describe.
 
Don,

I have two young sons (3 1/2 and 11 mos). I can hold those boys for hours. It is like hugging myself as a child. For me there has been nothing as healing as holding my guys.
 
Don and Willp,
I have three children, two daughters 8.5 and 6, and a son 3. I went through some of the same anxieties when my wife was expexting them and after ward. I know I could never harm them and I know i could never harm any child or adult for that matter. But I know the axiety of thinking it could be possible.

I am glad you were able to recover from that just as I was. To go through life without the love of my children would be worse than suffering the 7 years of abuse.

George R.
"TO PROTECT OUR CHILDREN IS TO PROTECT OUR FUTURE"
 
"TO PROTECT OUR CHILDREN IS TO PROTECT OUR FUTURE" Yes lightfang that is what it.s all about, protect the childern is the one thing we can do. My little girl 24yo just got wed last Sunday .Soon there may be grandkids for me to help protect. We have to make the world know that child sexual abuse does happen but must be stopped. I join you in the battle to protect the childern. Muldoon
 
THIS IS THE PART that makes the anger come up so often, so hard. "to protect our children is to protect our future". WHY CAN'T I DO ANYTHING ABOUT MY PERPS WHO LIVE A BLOCK AWAY FROM MY MOTHERS HOUSE, WHERE MY KIDS VISIT EVERY WEEKEND???? Everyone is sooooooooooo f*cking concerned about "due process" and "rights of the accused", and I'm so anxious about a "slap suit" for slander or libel, that nothing can be done. So I become overprotective. IT REALLY REALLY SUX. I know life is not fair, and we all have to cope however we can. I keep my kids as safe as I can, but what about the rest of the kids who live around the bastards who did this to me and countless other boys? Too bad for them? NO. No more. Something will crak, and it won't be me. My kids need me, and even though I may only be little old "Shoe Shine Boy" every other day of my life, one of these days, UNDERDOG will prevail and save the day. Gotta find the power pill first. Any body got one for me?
 
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