The Other Little Boy Who Hurts (Triggers)

Thank you, Larry!!!

I guess this is just a really emotional time for me. Also, I AM REALLY looking forward to my doctor's appointment tomorrow morning. Keep your fingers crossed, okay? Part of the road to healing for me is finding the right combination of medications. Not to make me high, but to just lift me up enough to feel close to normal. Does that make sense? Plus, I look at meds this way: whatever antidepressant my doctor puts me on, I still have to meet it halfway. That is, I have to do my part to get better. The medicine only puts me in a space where I can concentrate on that task. Do you see what I mean?

Thanks again for being my comrade-in-arms in the battle against CSA!

Jasper

 

For All Little Boys Who Hurt--But Most Especially For My Younger Brother Paulie

Hello Paulie:

I missed hearing your voice. The other night when I talked to you, we laughed once more as we did as children. We always found the same things funny, didn't we? We always had that quirky sense of humor that kept others constantly amazed. But for us it was natural, the rhythm of conversation, like a couple of jazz musicians who could guess where the other one was going.

Paulie, can you guess where this is heading? Do you know how over things are between us? I wonder. I wonder if it even matters to you any longer.

Someone--I don't know who--once said that for evil to triumph, it is only necessary that good men do nothing. Evil triumphed Paulie. Evil made us put away our toys forever, to pull the shades down over our smiles, to turn the lights off on our childhood memories. Evil triumphed. Evil drew a line between us, made us go in opposite directions, made us play hide and seek from the truth.

You're a good man. At heart, I still think you are a good man, Paulie. But when good men do nothing, when they stop trying, when they fight the truth instead of the demons inside, evil triumphs.

But not for me, Paulie. Not for me. I will turn around and wave to you once more. I will wave to all the others who stand on the sidelines, watching some of us march off to war, a war of good versus evil.

I only have time for a wave, Paulie. Because I am marching, marching now with a dozen comrades surrounding me. A dozen..now twenty. Now twenty...Now a thousand. All the time they are coming. All the time others are joining in the fight.

When I land, Paulie, when I land it will be on a distant shore. In a land where only good things thrive. If you want to write me, write me in care of my brothers, my brothers in healing.

We will always have room, Paulie. We will always have room for one more.

But for me, for my sanity, for my happiness...I shall never again wait for you.

Love,

Jasper

P.S. Some letters are written, never to be mailed. And this is one of those letters. But it is enough for me that you are reading it now. Kindly comment if you choose. But please.... respect my grief as I would yours. Thank you!

 

wow jasper thats such a cool letter. I have 4 brothers & if one of them didnt support me i would say the same thing yeah?

Kev

 

Thanks, Kev.

I really appreciate it.

Jasper

 

P.S. I also want to say thanks to Larry. This is a difficult, painful time and it is nice to know that I can lean on him like an older brother. That offer is still good, isn't it?

 

[roadrunner]

Jasper,

Yes, of course, the door is always open! Lean away!

I have two comments on this Jasper. The first is that as something that says what you feel it is perfect. It hits hard, yes, but it leaves open the possibility of reconciliation. I have spoken to you a lot recently, so I know that to be true.

But my other comment refers to this as something to be read by Paulie. The problem here is that I do not know Paulie at all. But there does seem to have developed a considerable gap in communication between you. What I wonder then, is this. Will he understand this letter and what you are telling him? Only you can answer that.

Should you revise the letter? That depends on what you want it to achieve. If it is a vehicle for you to speak your mind, then here it is - just send it. But if you want to communicate something to Paulie, then the problem of how this will look to him becomes very important.

I am not saying that the letter as it stands should not go to him. If you asked me that, I would have to say that's up to you and I support you however you decide. But if you pressed me further I would have to add that it's really difficult to call that one when I doesn't know Paulie at all.

You speak of things improving with your other brother. How about asking him to look at the letter and see what he thinks? Would that be helpful?

However this works out Jasper, you are basically saying to Paulie: 1) it isn't okay you are hurting me, 2) it does matter that things are not alright between us, 3) I cannot continue like this, 4) the ball is in your court - I am ready for a reconciliation when you are, but I cannot continue to pursue it alone and at huge emotional cost to myself and those around me. On all these points it seems to me that you are absolutely right.

Take care,
Larry

 

[Ivanhoe]

Jasper,

I've carried your letter with me all morning. I couldn't wait to get back to my keyboard to encourage you to write to your brother. And, as a habitual buttinski, I've got a suggestion or two.
I would make it a letter of love for him. I like the way your letter begins about the two of you sharing that certain sense of humor. If I may, I would go on to say how much you wish that you could have whisked the two of you away. That you wish that you were old enough, then, to have held him and kept him safe...to have kept you both safe.
Tell him how you have longed for that to have never happened, to neither one of you.
I would tell him, that if it isn't too painful for him to talk about, you'd like for your relationship to get back to where you were when you were kids, when there wasn't that abuse going on.
If he's half as neat as you say that he was, I think that he would respond to maybe hearing you say that you loved him, that you always loved him, but that you were scared out of you mind most of time.
Good luck, Jasper, I wish that I had a brother who would write that to me, or to whom I could write words of love.

David

 

Dear Larry:

You raise so many good points that make sense.

However, this is a letter I never intend to mail. It was written for me as a means to begin mourning the loss of my relationship with Paulie.

My therapist said something very enlightening yesterday. I explained to her how Paulie, the baby of the family, became hugely successful in business. He and his wife routinely take cruises whenever the mood strikes them. They have several homes and are forever dabbling in real estate. And their business is such that they employ many members of the immediate family, plus first cousins, second cousins, etc.

Sounds wonderful, doesn't it? Unfortunately, Paulie has used his position in the family to dominate and emotionally blackmail people into doing what he wants. No, he doesn't abuse them sexually. But he abuses and humiliates them in so many other ways. Yet what can they do? They have become dependent upon his largesse to pay the mortgage or put their kids through college.

So there is a dark side to Paulie. And as my therapist said, he has taken his experience of being abused as a child and decided he would never be hurt again. So rather than let people gain power over him, he would pull the strings on them. In other words: Paulie has chosen to become an abusive person. Not sexually. But in other ways.

I don't know why I didn't see this before. It makes sense. And now that I recognize the truth about Paulie, it is easy to let go.

Don't we all sometimes have a kind of Norman Rockwell, Hallmark Card kind of fantasy about how families should be? And don't we all wish that someday we might reconcile with those loved ones who don't understand?

Well, I spent a lot of Thanksgivings and Christmases crying over Paulie, wondering what "I" did wrong! But no more.

My family is the family of my own making. It includes my sister, my brother the deacon, Andy, my friend Gaia, a few others...and you!!!

That's my family, Larry!

Take care, bro!

Jasper

 

David:

I think my response to Larry explains the situation better.

I miss what me and Paulie once had. In a perfect world, I could write him that letter and he would respond the way that I might wish.

But Paulie has hurt me so many times over the years, in cruel ways that I can't even begin to explain. And I have seen him do the same things over and over to others.

I guess my fantasy was that now that I was in touch with the abuse, maybe Paulie and I could cut through years of pain, be the happy brothers we once were. But what Paulie said to me the other night made it clear that can never happen. I simply cannot be around someone who will laugh at my pain, mock my recovered memories, and tell me to "get over it." And these opinions are now fixed. Once Paulie decides something, everyone in his circle must fall in line or they will surely feel his wrath.

Mike Lew says it best in his book. Forgive me if I don't have the quote right. But it's something about people being abused having the option to either go on to abuse others, remain a victim, or become a protector. (Do I have that right? If someone knows, please tell me!)

Anyhow, I see now that Paulie chose a very dark path. As much as I hate to admit it, he is a very abusive personality. Not sexually. But he is cruel in so many other ways.

For this reason, I need to keep my distance from him. It is vital to my recovery that I not be dragged down into the darkness.

Does this make sense? I'm sorry if I made it all sound so wonderful. I guess I wanted it to be. And naively, I think I thought that if I saw what the abuse had done to us, Paulie would also get it. And maybe change some of his ways. But now...now I think I finally see the truth.

Those little boys we once were will forever be in my heart. But like the toys we put away as children, that is where they must remain.

Thanks!

Jasper

 

[Ivanhoe]

Yes, I understand. Sorry, for going off in the wrong direction.
He may never, "get it."
Good luck to you, I'm glad you're part of our family.

David

 

David:

No, please don't apologize. It is only natural to want to see two brothers, who once had so very much in common, to be together again. It is what I very much dreamed for the last 20 or more years.

But when I heard my therapist put the situation between us in such stark terms, I realized it was time to let go.

I'll still send cards. He'll do the same. And I'll get invitations to parties, but typically they will arrive too late to attend. (Even though these catered events of his are planned months in advance.)

Did evil triumph this time? Did the perp get his wish to soil the goodness we once had? Perhaps. But if I have a role to play, it shall be "protector." It is the very same role that we all play.

So let us work toward a world in which little boys grow up to be friends.

God bless you all!

Jasper

P.S. And David, never apologize for having such a pure, loving heart.

 

Maybe this will sound strange. Or maybe some of you will understand. But since I called Paulie up a secnd tme and he totally denied the abuse by our older brother, I feel a sense of serenity.

All these years Paulie made me feel like I had done something wrong to ruin our relationship. All these years I've been scratching my head trying to figure out what that could be. Then when the memories of the abuse surfaced, I thought that maybe Paulie blamed me for not protecting him. For a time, I even blamed myself.

But the truth is different. I now suspect that Paulie has probably remembered the sexual abuse much longer than I have. To me, it's all new. But my hunch is that some of these painful memories have been kicking around in his head for ages. Isn't that a kick in the pants?

Paulie has been pushing me away because he wants to deny that the abuse ever happened. Or that it meant anything. So this is the end of the road for us as brothers. I can't go back and pretend. I can't listen to his hurtful accusatoins that I am making this all up.

No, the serenity I feel comes from the thought that I won't have to play any of his games from now on. Like getting invitations to family parties that arrive too late for me to attend. Until now, I always acted like I was guilty for not going--even though that was clearly his intent.

In fact, my worst fear is that he will "forgive me" for all this "sexual abuse nonsense" and go on as if nothing happened, sending me cards and invitations and other hollow gestures.

How do I put a stop to that? Should I write him a letter and say I don't want to have anything more to do with him--until he can acknowledge the abuse? Or do I just move on with my life--tossing invitations in the trash or depositing his generous birthday and Christmas checks in the bank? Like it doesn't matter either way?

Right now, we have a kind of greetng card relationship. Do I continue it? Or ask him to stop? I mean, I'm gracious in my brief notes. His wife writes most the notes for him so it really doesn't matter. But a part of me would just love to have him out of my life totally. Does that make sense?

What say you?

Jasper

 

[roadrunner]

Jasper,

This is so difficult, especially since none of us here really know much about your brother. And of course we are all different people, with different pasts and different views of the world. All I can offer is what I think I would do if I were in your situation.

Look at your earliest posts on this thread. You really do love Paulie. He, he has said and done some hurtful things, and yes, it is painful that he denies what you know your other brother did. But I think you may be right about why he is doing this: he is trying to deny and/or minimize what happened to him, and just as he figures he's got it made, here comes Jasper again to remind him that he is living a lie. So yes, your take on things makes great sense, and if you are right then your efforts to establish a good relationship with him are even more threatening to him and his effort to keep up appearances.

So how much of a relationship can you two have with this problem between you? That is where it gets tough Jasper. You are a survivor of terrible abuse as a child and you need to recover somehow. This is something you need to do for YOU!!!! It is so important, and you have to set yourself as a priority.

One way forward might be to try to remember that Paulie is reacting to his abuse history and not to you personally. Perhaps you can accept what is available right now and simply live with him as he is, hoping that he may change his mind one day. Who knows, but I seems to me that he won't, and in any case, this would require huge emotional resources from you dedicated to him.

You may find that making concessions like this is just too painful and disempowering. In that case, we come back to the fact that on this issue you have to come first. Personally, I would not go so far as to break off with him completely right away. But if you find that you need to keep withdrawing away from him further and further for your own good, then so be it.

The bottom line is this Jasper. You deserve a lot better than this. He may have issues, but he shouldn't be venting them on you. You need to be out of range one way or another, and that means finding a safe distance. Whether that leaves you with any relationship at all with Paulie is a question only you can answer.

Just remember that you have friends who care for you a lot and will support you however this works out.

Take care,
Larry

 

Just remember that you have friends who care for you a lot and will support you however this works out.

Hello "Older Brother":

I never imagined when I started this thread that it would end this way, with my pulling away from Paulie even further. Yet you are so right. I need to do that for me. And I don't have to cut things off completely. I'll send cards at Christmas, cards on birthdays, etc. In that sense, not much will have changed. Yet I can stop, finally stop beating myself up over what went wrong. I can accept now that it wasn't my fault. Something about Paulie changed, and it didn't happen overnight.

Our Dad was the "magic ingredient" that held my family together in so many ways. And when he died of cancer, we were both in our early 20's. Paulie was living at home still and I was in San Francisco with my first lover. (The one named Larry. ) Anyhow, that experience of caring for my Dad at the end turned Paulie bitter. I tried to understand that. I tried to make that up to him somehow but he refused to even discuss it. And now, he's refusing to discuss the childhood sexual abuse. So the time has come to let him go.

I also never imagined when I started this thread that I would be the one to disclose to my family first, before you. Yet I did, thanks to your wise advice, and I am so glad.

Disclosing is a gift we give ourselves.

Thanks for everything, "older brother."

Love,

Jasper

 

[roadrunner]

Jasper,

To be absolutely honest I feel I am treading on egg shells here. I know you feel really betrayed by your brother, and of course you are the only one who can decide how you will deal with that. On the other hand, I just hope you don't cut things off too fast and with no hope of any future reconciliation. You just never know, right?

Lots of love,
Larry

 

Hi Larry:

I hear what you are saying. And in that sense, we are in perfect agreement. The door will always be cracked a little bit, should Paulie ever decide to knock on it. And outwardly, nothing will have changed. I stopped going to family parties years ago, because I wanted to avoid my abusive brother. Then after my abusive brother died, I stopped going to family parties because Paulie took over hosting them and made it clear in subtle (and not so subtle ways) that he didn't want me to attend. I mean, when you repeatedly get invitations in the mail for parties that are less than a week away--and they have been planned for months and everyone else knows about them because they got their invitations long ago--well, you kind of get the hint after a few times.

So that's the only real thing that will change. I won't blame myself any longer for Paulie pulling away from me. I'll stop kicking myself for somehow not being able to put things right. In short, I'll get on with my healing.

And seriously, Larry, I feel such peace now over this situation. At last I can mourn the loss and move on with my life. No longer will I be hurt by these social snubs. No longer will Andy be hurt and confused by the really unkind things that were done to us both over the years. Believe me, I could tell you stories that would have you wondering why I didn't cut him out of my life a long time ago.

But even now, I'm not cutting him out totally. It's just that it is so liberating to finally begin the grieving process. Begin the grieving for the lost innocence of childhood. Begin the grieving for the kind of relationship I might have had with Paulie. And even in a funny sort of way, begin the grieving all over again for my parents.

That last one is hard to explain. But like my mother's birthday is coming up. She's been dead a few years and that day has gotten easier. Except this year? This year it really hurts all over again. Not sure why that is. I guess because it's the first anniversary of her birthday in which I see my childhood clearly.

I don't know. I'm just in a grieving place now. And that feels fine. That feels where I need to be.

Know what I mean?

Love ya,

Jasper

 

[roadrunner]

Jasper,

Grieving is a part of healing, so yes, I understand and I think you are on the right track.

But there was one thing that just jumped off the page at me: I am so surprised I didn't see this before:

I'll stop kicking myself for somehow not being able to put things right.

It was never your task to put all this right! It wasn't you who messed it all up in the first place. It's not your fault. If some gesture of yours can start a process of healing, great. But if that doesn't or can't happen you still have to move on and heal.

Larry