The origin of Fear

[John Oarc]

Has anyone ever tried to figure out why some of us are so afraid of living our lives or letting go and living freely.

What is your greatest fear and what do you think causes it?

In my case I think the fear of losing again is the root of my problems. I lost my childhood and my pride to a pervert and from that day I never wanted anything worth losing ever again, the pain, the thought of having something worth losing was too great and I just quit wanting the best in life. I kept things around me that I felt would not hurt if I lost them. I did all of this without knowing that I was doing it and to top it off, it did not work.

 

[shadowkid]

my greatest fear is that i'll be like this forever.

 

[WalkingSouth]

My greatest fear is of failing at life, failing at supporting my family, failing at being a husband and father, failing at being a man.

God that hurts to say, but there you have it. The cause is buried somewhere back in the abusive days of my childhood when it seemed no matter what I did it was not right, good enough, or it was wrong and bad.

But I don't like to dwell on those fears. They become self-fulfilling prophecy's if I spend my time there. I am a good father and husband, I am a man, I am all those other things. I don't always do things using the best wisdom, but most of the time it works out alright anyhow. I have to hold on to that and to those whom I love and who love me. That includes this place and you guys.

Thanks for this thread, John. It has helped me put another piece in the puzzle.

Lots of love,

John

 

[fightlikehell]

my greatest fear is that he'll come back

 

[Hauser]

My greatest fear is that I may never truly and fully love myself. I want to, but it's very hard for me.

 

[kuurt]

fear of failure
fear that i really am not worth anything.

 

fear of falling back into the pit, specially now things are starting to look up.

 

[phoster]

fear of being rejected. i am afraid if my wife knew the real me, the one i've hidden all my life, she would be grossed out and not want me. it makes me afraid in bed, afraid to ask for what i want or how often i want. it makes me afraid to share my views on my faith and on life. it makes me afraid to demand anything. instead i meekly go along, making due with whatever life throws my way.

 

[John Oarc]

Where do you think the fear is coming from?

I found that asking "why" until I stop asking the question helps me get past the fear.

Why do I fear losing?

I am afraid it will hurt?

Why?

I don't like the pain?

Why?

Because the first painful experience I remember happened to me as a child and it scared me and caused me to believe something was wrong with me.

Why?

I was a child and should not have been subjected to the abuse, I could not handle that and needed help but I never got any and that is still with me today and it scares me.

Why?

The answer is here, I am now an adult and can help myself if need be, I know I can go to therapy and get help if I lose something that causes me pain. I am in control, that little boy no longer has to be scared because I am a man and can defend and help myself. The early trauma of the abuse has etched this response in my mind and has to be turned loose, it has me scared. I have to step across the line into adulthood and deal with life from a new level a level of rational thought, I can not let the fearful mind of a nine year old boy run my adult life.

Man that was cool, I had to post this to make it more real for me.

I hope it helps,

 

[Kirk Wayne]

Ditto with JapanZen

Kirk
"Lets grab this bull by the horns and swing it about a bit"

 

[bisulatino]

Fear that I'll never get my life together. Fear that because I'll never get my life together, I'll never be able to have a relationship with someone I really want to be with. Fear that even if I do end up with someone I want to be with, that they will eventually not want to be with me. Fear that I'll never find a good job, because my fear won't allow me to stand out. Fear that I'll never make it on my own, because I'll be too afraid to take risks. Fear that I'll never be able to be a good sexual partner. Fear that I'll never lose weight. Fear that I'll never change, that I will always be this afraid, that I'll be like this forever.

 

[jesse7]

This is a good discussion. My greatest fear was that I was completely worthless and have nothing of any value to offer either to myself or to anyone else.

Why this fear? Because I was taught that people only love those who either achieve something great or are very competent at some skill or art. I was shown over and over by peers, teachers, and family that it's not okay to get low grades in school or to not have any friends or to remain single and never have children. CSA and physical abuse confirmed that I was worthless and it still shows its ugly head even now as an adult. I still get criticized for having a low paying job and for not wanting to strive for a better paying career.

Affirmations and meditation have helped me tremendously to deal with fear and I have replaced the people I use to admire with the truly great souls like Jesus Christ, Gautama the Buddha, St. Francis of Assissi, Ramakrishna, Mohatma Gandhi, Martin Luther King, and others.

I'm learning that it's okay to be poor or rich, young or old, single or married, popular or alone. Why should I worry about these things at all? If something can be done to remedy a situation worry is not necessary and if nothing can be done then why worry? For me, peace of mind is going to be in the here-now or not at all.

Jesse

 

[John Oarc]

Today, I took a job that I deserve a great job with many challenges. I am not afraid and I deserve to be there.

I had three job offers this last week. I found myself gravitating to the two that would not be a challenge, the level of fear would be low, the work would not be fullfilling or rewarding.

The job I took will be difficult and the people there are excellent in my field.

I am not afraid, I am excellent in my field and I will do great things.

Just had to put this in here because I am very pleased with myself in regards to fear.

Pat on your own back never hurt anyone.

Remember this:

"Fear can't eat you, but it can eat at you."

 

[caointeoir]

same as shadow said.

my biggest fear is to be like this forever. to be like this next year without progress. the year after. being stuck here and not getting out, not getting on. still sitting here frozen to the goddamn wall.

in the end, i cling to that, nothing is as bad as being afraid of it. or so i hope.

 

[roadrunner]

At present, my greatest fear is that the tremendous progress I am making now will not last.

When I was an abused teenager, however, I felt exactly as shadow, fightlikehell and kuurt feel. At first I felt bad because the abuser was gone; I felt rejected and unwanted. Then I was afraid he would come back and it wasn't really over. After that, as things got worse rather than better for me, I thought I would stay like this forever and I was convinced I really was THAT worthless.

BUT...I would like to assure others further back on the path of recovery that it DOES get better, a whole LOT better!

Much love,
Larry

 

[Jose]

My greatest fear right now is meaningful and intimate relationship. Coming out of my shell, risking, seeking intimacy, allowing people to see the real me and not just a few small, selected portions of my choosing. Professionaly, I have broken through; personally I really, really struggle. I have begun to take some baby steps but have a long, long ways to go.

There are times, like this week, when an overwhelming sense of feeling comes upon me. A feeling that I am inadequate, that I can't do it, that I am not worthwhile. It's like a dark, black cloud. This doesn't always cross over into my professional life but, when it does, it paralyzes me. That happened to me this week. When this happens, I find myself in unhealthy space, filled with feelings that I have difficulty sorting out, much less understanding, and way too highly strung. What comes out of me in these moments are unhealthy responses - even to colleagues.

I believe a big part of this is coming around to loving myself. To recognize that these feelings are rooted in my past and not in who I am. I have begun to experience the reward of meaningful relationship, but I want the fear of consistently moving toward healthy relationship to go away.

Once in awhile I go back to something that was quoted by Nelson Mandela. You may have heard it a million times, but it it has been helpful to me and so I share it with you.....

Our Greatest Fear, by Marianne Williamson, quoted by Nelson Mandela
it is our light not our darkness that most frightens us

Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate.

Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure.

It is our light not our darkness that most frightens us.

We ask ourselves, who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous,
talented and fabulous?

Actually, who are you not to be?

You are a child of God.

Your playing small does not serve the world.

There's nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other

people won't feel insecure around you.

We were born to make manifest the glory of
God that is within us.

It's not just in some of us; it's in everyone.

And as we let our own light shine,
we unconsciously give other people
permission to do the same.

As we are liberated from our own fear,
Our presence automatically liberates others.

 

[John Oarc]

Most everyone has commented on the fear of never getting out of this or falling back into it again. It all makes sense though, the people that have tasted freedom want it to continue and the people still having trouble don't want to remain in the turmoil.

It appears to be the inability to control our feelings and emotions, our thoughts and triggers, flashbacks and more. It is as if we are afraid they might never go away or they may come back and that is scary. If something can just come in and change everything without our control that is fearful without a doubt.

I am just typing this out I am not saying I'm right. Just coming off the tip of my head.

It is a good discussion, thanks for the replies.

 

[John Oarc]

Jose, Thanks for the info from;

"Our Greatest Fear, by Marianne Williamson"


I love it.

 

[jesse7]

Originally posted by Jose:

It is our light not our darkness that most frightens us.

These are inspiring quotes, Jose. Thanks. Here's some related ones...

You cannot hide your beauty and your love behind a mask of anger and hate.

Those who are the hardest for us to love need the most love.

Jesse

 

[klibs]

My greatest fear is being alone. But then again I already am because I turned in my only friend, my neighbor. I wouldn't even care if he came back... at least I wouldn't be alone. I feel so alone.