The non-molested child

The non-molested child
H

heart

Registrant
I have been having a strange thought the last couple of days:

Since I have been recovering from CSA I have done group and one to one therapy, workshops, read literature, joined this forum etc etc and all this time I have been working on my "abused child" (abused teen and adult as well).

All the focus has been on reclaiming, healing my abused child and then yesterday I thought but what about the child before the abuse?, the non-molested child? I am getting this image that my non-molested child is living in the shadow of the abused child, like I am only connecting with the abused child and dismissing the non-molested child.

A couple of years ago I took up singing as a way of expression for my abused child and again I have an image in my head saying that the non-molested child wants to sing to, he is alive as well and needs attention as well and he needs to talk to.

It's making feel a bit tearful writing all this.

I guess like many survivors I have little memories of my childhood as it is marred by the abuse with a black cloud and it feels like I want to remember me before I was abused and honour and love me, as mush as I have been learning to love and honour my abused child.

At the end of the day there is only one me and it's made of all my life experiences and maybe it is time for me to stop seperating and start integrating the different aspects of me.

Heart
 
Heart,

You are right. Within each of us, there is also the non-molested 'inner child'. I was witness to something like that about a month ago. I wrote of it on the member forum, but will share some of it here to you.

I have friend, close friend, who lives here in next town of me, who is very much like younger brother to me, who also was abused. He is someone of a very kind heart and soul. He had surgery last month, and stayed at my home for few days afterward. I remember the first night he was staying with me, I went to his room to make sure he didn't need anything before I went to bed. And he was asleep already. And I was looking at this friend of mine, and I could see, actually SEE, this little innocent boy inside of him. It was like sign from God, that yes, this unblemished, unbruised child still exists.

I do believe it is within all of us. Maybe buried deeper in some then others. But he is in there.

Good luck to you Heart.

Leosha
 
Heart,

This topic has profound implications.

Must be something in the air, as I spent my recent therapy session focusing on just this same thing. My life turned a corner at that first moment of abuse at the hands of an older brother. Who would I have been if I said "no"? Of course, I couldn't say "no" at the time, but I can say "no" now.

In therapy I was guided back to the occasion and circumstances where the abuse first started. I became utterly wrapped up in the moment, and realized that I have never left the "bambi caught in the headlights" reaction that I had to the whole scene. I was that 11 year-old utterly powerless and frozen.

Then the therapist suggested we act out a script where I said "no" and got up and left the situation. He took on the role of the perp, and created a script where I chose a different course of action. Where we got to the point of compliance, I said "no", then got up and left the room. (I actually had to keep on going -- straight to the the restroom--because in my intestines I had a chemical reaction)

I can't explain how I felt afterwards. It was as if the VCR was taken off pause. The frozen feelings were gone.

My perp died at age 23, so I was never able to confront him about how he screwed-up my life. However, that's okay because I don't need his permission or his presence to take back my power.

Life is seeming a little brighter today, and I am feeling more hopeful that this cloud of frozen-ness will not cast such a dark shadow in my future days.

Thanks for giving me the opportunity to share this with others.

Ron
 
Hi Sans Logos

Thanks a million, your reply sent shivers down my spine.

I read your message with awe at what you have done with your therapist and I am so glad to know what you have done as it gives me the strength to move on.

I think what has sparked my having these thoughts is to do with recently working on a recurrent nightmare which I have been struggling with ever since my first abuse at age 9, and the strong similarity for me with you is the frozen state, the bambi caught in the headlights, you talk about. Out of the fight, flight or freeze reaction to danger at the time of the abuse I went for the freeze one.

I have started rewriting the script of my nightmare where instead of freezing when the abuser approaches me I now tell him what I think about him and shoot him with a gun...

When I was abused I froze and have been frozen since but it feels that the melting down has now started.

Please allow me to swear just for a second "fuck!,fuck!!,fuck!!!" I can't believe what is happening to me since I joined this site, it's beyond belief.

Heart
 
For me too, this is a timely thread.

The last few weeks I've been attracted to some music from the past.

A song lyric got caught in my head. I didn't hear it on the radio or anywhere that I know of.

It just sort of popped in out of the ether.

"Who Knows Where the Time Goes?" Judy Collins

I heard that song when it first came out.

1968 or 1969. I bought my friend the original

music from "Hair" which was brand new and very

avant-garde at the time. She played me her

latest Judy Collins.

I went ahead and ordered both, now on CD, but

originally in mono!

Basking in the memories and the lovely lyrics,

the excitement of the times reflected in "Hair",

it came to me that those were the last years

before the sexual abuse began in 1970.

That's when I was still the "non-molested" child.

Sure I had been neglected, hurt and had many of

the typical teen angst traumas. But I hadn't yet

been sexually abused. That was before my world

changed.

It has been a bittersweet delight to recall the

idealism, the rebellion, the emotional growth

spurts that were going on when I was turning 15.

Thanks for reminding me of that guy--I've been

going back and remembering him with fondness and

affection. What a precocious boy I was. How

many noble sentiments could possible fit in such

a young heart? Many and many more yet.

Thank you for setting me up to understand why I

wanted to go back to that time in music, in my

life. That boy from 1968 is a part of me too.

He needs some remembrance and love too. He's

getting some right now.

Besides the song "Who Knows Where the Time Goes?"

I also rediscovered on the same album the

powerful lyrics of "Story of Isaac." Wow, what

a vision. Listen with care, the lyrics might be

triggering for some. Maybe I'll see if I can

the lyrics and post them in Music for Survivors.

Sorry to digress. Just wanted to say many thanks

for your delightfully inspiring post.

Gratefully,
 
Heart,

deep within, your inner child is still there, look for him, he is there, maybe you don't recognise that he is with you, my inner child knows he is safe now, and nobody can hurt him, like he was hurt, I look after him, and tell him, I will always be there for him.

He helped me so much, because I can go back, to when he was so happy, I can go back and share the sadness, by going through things emerging, that hurt, and reliving them, he gives me strength. Also, because I know him better than I ever did, I recognise things that were only "imagined" by conditioning, and better understanding, the past, and why this hurt so much.

I can remember a lot, before the abuse took place, which is a good thing, because I can go back to some really good things. After the abuse, it is not so easy, but I gradually face emotions from the past, which were hidden away.

Because we can write from our inner selves here, I can explore some of the things, my mind shuts out, and face them, it is a fact that I have gradually opened up parts of my life, that were not in the picture.

Realising the hurt of others, and maybe crying when I face similar emotions that were locked away, it helps me to put the past in the order it should have been.

The biggest help to me, is to know, that there are so many brilliant minds in here, it grieves me to see how they have had to cope, but it gives me comfort in sharing things, that we would never dream of sharing.

It is a pity, that I am here, just as we all are, but, hey, I would never have gotten to know such thoughtfulness anywhere in the World.

What a great band of brothers, who can share so much of their inner selves, to help others, and help unravel this crap, that we have had inside for so long, without ever knowing where to turn.

Leosha, you gave me such a beautiful insight

And I was looking at this friend of mine, and I could see, actually SEE, this little innocent boy inside of him. It was like sign from God, that yes, this unblemished, unbruised child still exists.

I do believe it is within all of us. Maybe buried deeper in some then others. But he is in there.
Click to expand...
Look after the little boy, he is not so far away,seek and you will find him.

I don't post so much, but I write things down, and try to make sense of them, maybe this is wrong, but I am always conscious of hurting others, sorry if I do.

take care

ste
 
I have been trying to figure out what kind of man that boy would be for quite awhile now. I often wondered what I would be like if she had never changed me. I have dreams, sometimes, well more day dreams, of being that healthy MAN.

I am doing something pretty radical in my life to overcome and to do something I think he would have liked. Maybe even I would have already done it. I am joining the army, and the MOS I am going to get into is pretty rigorous. But he would already have been there I think. If not for the darkness she poured out on me.
 
There is something bothering me about a couple of these posts.

My life turned a corner at that first moment of abuse at the hands of an older brother. Who would I have been if I said "no"? Of course, I couldn't say "no" at the time, but I can say "no" now.
Click to expand...
And

Out of the fight, flight or freeze reaction to danger at the time of the abuse I went for the freeze one.

I have started rewriting the script of my nightmare where instead of freezing when the abuser approaches me I now tell him what I think about him and shoot him with a gun...
Click to expand...
Both of these quotes purpose the hypothosis of what would life be like if they had said "no" or didn't "freeze" in the face of the abuser, well I say why aren't you hypothosizing about what life would be like if the abuser hadn't abused in the first place. Both of these quotes and numerous others on this site and a million others in my head all blame ourselves for not speaking up or running away or telling someone what was happening but the reality is we were never to blame for it. Our abusers should never have done what they did to us in the first place. They are the ones who are to blame not us.

Why didn't you say "no"? Why did you "freeze" like a dear in headlights? Because, as most of us were, you were CHILDREN! And most children don't expect to be faced with that situation and don't know how to respond except to go along with it, that's why they choose us and all children, it's the failure of innocence.

Let's stop beating ourselves up. Let's stop blaming ourselves for not stopping the abuse. If we are going to "daydream" about what our lives would have been like "if only", then let's make sure to phrase it properly: "if only that rat-bastard hadn't abused me...".

Let's give those inner children a break, they did what they did to protect us with the knowledge they possessed of the world up to that point. In hindsight we can say: "oh, I should have said "no" or I should have run away or I should have told someone" but let's face it, who among us had the where withal to do any of that? Certainly not our inner children.

Best way to get back in touch with them is to stop blaming them for what the abuser did.

Hope no one feels offended by this post. It is not meant to be a judgement on anyone quoted in this tread or anyone on this site. I just would like to see some more tender verbage directed towards ourselves during our process of healing. Aim the anger and judgement at the abusers who deserve it, not ourselves.

Jeff
 
My abuse started at 11yo at boarding school, I had also been abused before that at about 5 and again about 8yo, but in the overall picture of what actually went on to affect me these earlier incidents don't really seem to have affected me. Although I have no doubt they planted a belief in my mind that the sustained abuse I suffered at school was to be expected.

My life until 11yo was pretty good, I was a normal kid. I lived in the country in a very lonely place, but I had a bicycle and my parents allowed me to ride into town and play with my friends. And they rode out to play with me.
In the late 50's and early 60's life was different, and we didn't have loads of toys or organised things to keep us happy, we made dens and dammed streams. We caught frogs and nursed injured birds back to health, we rode our bikes and climbed trees.
They were good times I have no doubt. I can remember my dad running alongside my brothers old two wheel bike and letting go as I pedalled furiously - then fell off.

It's hard for me to remember these days with any affection though, which is sad.
Most of these happy days were spent with my best mate Mick, from the age of about 4 we were joined at the hip!
We were both thrilled to bits when we discovered that both of us were going to the boarding school.
It should have been the continuation of a lifetime of friendship and good times.

But we both fell prey to different gangs of abusers, and although it didn't wreck our friendship it changed us both in ways we should never have had to experience.
Mick took his own life about 10 years ago and I miss the guy dreadfully.

That fact colours the memories of my life before the abuse in such a way that I can't ever look back without "our" life after the abuse started making it's presence felt.
For me the abusers left a legacy that goes back beyond their deeds, they stole what I had before they came along. Bastards.....

Dave
 
Jeff

Thanks for your contribution, I totally understand what you say about getting away from self-blame, this is something I have struggled a lot with and although I have improved I can still fall back into the trap of "it's my fault".

I need to explain more clearly what I meant when I wrote: "Out of the fight, flight or freeze reaction in the face of danger at the time of the abuse I went for the freeze one"

One of the difficult and frightening times during my therapy for CSA was to go back to the feelings I experienced at the times I was abused. It was necessary to do this to understand how I reacted to the abuse in order to "work through" and let go of those feelings.

With that particular episode of abuse I froze, a normal human survival reaction to danger just like fight or flight (there are quite a few animals who will freeze/play dead in the face of danger in order to survive as this put their attacker off).

In my sentence what I am trying to say is that I am simply acknowledging how I reacted, a valid reaction to this kind of situation. Maybe I should have written "I experienced the freeze" rather than "I went for the freeze" as this gives a sense of self-blame which I can assure you I do not feel in regard to this abuse.

Thanks for spotting this as it has made me go a little deeper in my thoughts.

Take care
Heart
 
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