The need to talk

[Michael1965]

I find talking to be so confusing and difficult. It seems that I am always encouraged to talk but there are so many obstacles to talking.

It is so difficult for me to share things because it is not something that I have never really done. It seems that when I want to share that there is never anyone around to share with. I then find that when I try to talk, it makes others uncomfortable or I appear to talk too much because people want to shut me down. Another twist is the fact that people who say that we are friends want to schedule times to talk. Things like we can chat once a week. I also get the statement of you belong here and are welcome to talk about whatever you need to whenever you need to but that always proves to be false as well. It really hurts to not be able to openly share in my times of pain.

So I find myself feeling so many different emotions: rejected, unacceptable, a burden, a social out cast, that it is my fault and that I drive people away. I simply then keep conversations one sided to where I don't talk about things I am experiencing. I only listen to others concerns.

I realize that our lives all run on different time lines and schedules so it is not always possible to find someone to talk to. It is simply painful.

 

[tommyb]

(Michael1965)


Notice what your abuser(s) have done to your life.

Notice how you are actually feeling guilty and bad about it.

'Figure you should step out of that place before your next move.

 

[dark empathy]

One thing I do wonder, are you talking to the right people or in the right way? If your friends are telling you "you can talk about everything" and then you find yourself just listening to them and shut down when you want to talk things out yourself, how good are these friends? Are they really concerned about you?

I understand the problem of feeling like a burden or like you need to suffer in silence. That's why I personally only spoke to friends when I burst and absolutely had! to confide to someone, at which point I spent about half an hour on the phone talking about me and crying, and another hour appologising to them.

But you ar just as worthy to be heard and understood as anyone else.
Also, different relationships change with different people and different friends, however I would suggest that anyone who truly! cares about you would be concerned about you and not about themselves.

If the friends your currently trying aren't able to do that, maybe it is worth looking for someone who can, either another friend, or maybe even a councillor, (if there is a good one), or if that isn't an option, perhaps look at services such as samaritans or other councilling hotlines where people will listen.

I do know myself one of the most liberating things about having a good councillor was that I didn't have to care about his feelings.

 

[Nothing Man]

Mike,

Please remember that I am your friend. Contact me anytime.

Mike

 

[intochange]

Can you find a qualified therapist in your area who sees patients individually and perhaps in a group setting as well? My experience is that this trauma bleeds out of me sometimes slowly and sometimes overwhelmingly fast. I need my therapist. Hoping to get a group going for men in the Ithaca area soon!
I have found that I am heard best when I am talking to someone who has had the experience to empathize with me, another male survivor. Use this site man! Love yourself a little every day.

 

[Logan]

Mike, I hear you, I really think that I do!

From the people that I have spoken to that are not Survivors nor are they therapists or people that I pay to speak with, I find that I have tendency to Over share/ give too much detail about things that I have gone through or that have happened to me and i tend to overwhelm them--in a sense it not only makes them feel uncomfortable but it also leaves them with no recourse as to how to answer me and although I don't mean to do it, I put them in a helpless position because they have no idea as how to answer me or provide support--------even if I just need to say something to get it out there and just need them to listen.... it is as if they feel a need to give some sort of advice and when I talk about things from my past, some of the things must seem so shocking to them that they are bewildered and it puts them in a tough spot and possibly a bad spot because it leaves them with no way to respond.

Of course I never Intentionally do this but the way I share tends to be in a little too much detail and I think it overwhelms them.

I have to realize that they are my friends and they have a need or want to give me feedback and impute as to how to better my situation and in my regaling some of my issues, I leave them in a place where they can't respond to me in any type of knowledgeable fashion, which of course in not their fault but at the time that I speak of such things, it puts them in a very odd and difficult position, possibly making them ponder things that they never intended on thinking about and i think this can scare them to a large degree.

I (too) am guilty of not applying the brakes sooner and spilling out too much info to ppl especially non-Survivors and I have gotten nonverbal feedback that them suggests that did something wrong and it usually takes place during the conversation; I can see them begin to struggle and hesitate with their replies.

I am pretty sure none of us intentionally do any of this. We don't try to impeed the conversation, but it happens because of the subject matter of what we are discussing.

One way that I have found to help deal with this with close friends of mine that know that I have a history of csa and that simply "something that was abusive sexually" happened to me is to prepare and plan out for my visit. I sort of make an Outline about the topics that I am going to discuss and make notes about topics that i am NOT going to get into. I also tell my friend's depending on which one it is, that they can stop me at certain times if what I am saying is concussing to them or much more importantly, if THEY feel uncomfortable about what I am taking about/getting into. i.e if I stumble into a subject that is triggering(or what ever word they choose to describe that the are not comfortable going into), they can stop me and tell me so, and then i can let them know that it is a short part or choose not to go into it all together.

I guess the point that I am trying to make here is that we must govern what is said and how much of what is said so that we don't get into a communication breakdown.
I really think this is so important!! I will sometimes stop mid sentence just to make sure that my friend is still comfortable speaking about the subject.

I guess it sorta comes down to empowerment. We don't want to strip someone of their power however, we still would like to be able to share these feelings with a friend that can listen and be able to respond in a helpful and meaningful way.

I hope this helps and just in case i am way off base and this has very little with what you are talking about, then hopefully it can help someone else.

Take good care, Mike and please know that you are welcome to contact me anytime and I will try to be as good listener as I can be. That and I'm pretty sure that there are very few topics that exist that would make me feel too uncomfortable to respond to.

Sincerely, your friend,
Logan

 

[14by10]

I hear you. Having suppressed everything close to 40 years I too find it difficult a talk about it. It is like I first need to learn how to verbalize it. I have talked to my spouse but I do not think I am doing a good job of it.

 

[KL]

+ 1 Logan. Feel and do the same.

 

[Rich1967]

Michael,

Sorry you are struggling. I think sharing is something that many men struggle with to some degree or another. We aren't usually raised to talk about our emotions and recovery from sexual abuse is a pretty intensely emotional battle.

Keep trying. You will get better at it. There are people out there that will get it and will want to hear you. Many men here want to hear what you have to say. Many men here share a lot of themselves here. Look to them for examples of things that will work for you too.

I really relate to what you said and are experiencing. When I first started my recovery work the first years were so hard for me. They still are but I am better at it. The trick for me was to stop valuing myself solely based on how my friends treated me or what they thought of me. I needed to start liking and believing in myself. Once I could start to do that I made and kept a lot more friends.

Who am I kidding though it's still a struggle some days. I need my friends and fortunately I have some pretty awesome friends. It is getting better though and I will not give up. I've been having too much fun.

Rich

 

[Blue__Bird]

Michael, if it helps you're not alone and I think many of us feel the same. Sometimes people who haven't gone down the path of abuse just don't know how to listen, but it's not their fault as they haven't had to endure the things that are so familiar to you. I think if you feel the need to talk, you should choose very carefully. Not every one who says they are friends will be a good listener. Survivors or therapists I'm sure will offer valuable feedback and won't make you feel uncomfortable, on top of everything you already feel. Good luck, and don't give up.

 

[KMCINVA]

Michael1965

Talking or writing is important--you need to let it out. I have been at it for several years now. I realize the importance of talking. One thing I have come to realize is I need to tell the deeper and more disturbing aspects of the abuse. I had a tendency to be superficial in talking of my unraveling and my feelings about how certain words, acts and events compounded the memories and flashbacks.

I was told to write a letter to each of my children. The first round I thought was pretty good. The doctor asked, why have you not told them of how you feel about the way the treated you to trigger the memories of the abuse and after disclosure. I thought I had and we talked and talked. I finally let it out and the pain was great but a sense of relief set in. I put our talk to written words. I have not shared but just talking and writing about it took me out a state of despair, one which could have cost me my life. Bottling it up has a way of catching up. Being honest is important. I also talked about how I feel, my own inadequacies because I cannot provide support in many forms to others. From talking I began to realize many created this sense of inadequacy from the abuser to those who consistently inflicted triggers. I was worn down. Talking helped me to see this, I am not a failure but rather a work in progress--reclaiming a life taken so long ago. I am sad I cannot provide but have told those that inflicted damage to me as well as spreading stories impacted me emotionally and psychologically as well as my ability to thrive and be productive and how their words chased business away. Strange when people are in denial they will project the other to be wrong and then the damage they did becomes circular and they bear the fruits of their own words and actions. I am sad it had to come full circle. I was pushed to rock bottom.

So talking can be difficult because what we need to disclose can be painful and we have denied it for a lifetime. In time you will be more comfortable and you will find the right people and place.

Good luck and you are here sharing--you are talking.

Kevin