The Mother

[Dusty Boy]

As a little boy she seemed to be safe and loving. She was deaf and needed to look at me to read my lips this meant she was listening to me, she cooked good food and on Sundays after lunch we would go to a park, gardens or the beach. I felt loved, then things went downhill by age 4 I was not a typical 4yo boy. I loved dolls dresses and high heels and was playing with the girls, thats when the censoring started. Boys dont do that Whack! What do you want to do that for Whack! Belting the shit out of me was going to make me a man.
I had been abused sexually by 4 perps by then.

From 5 onwards she picked on my facial features; my eyes droop, my nose is too big and has the Jones bump on the end, my ears are so big and stick out so far shame about the scar from the dog mauling (at 3 a dog tried to rip my ear off), dont open your mouth so wide its to big and when you do you show your horrible gums. We still went on good outings
Add another perp.

By 7: she was warning me about homosexuals you know men who play with little boys dicks. Put their things in little boys mouths, too much information delivered in a yucky way, egggg!!!. Still I had a name for myself but I didnt want to grow up and hurt little boys.
Add another perp and visits from previous perp, he hurt me.

At 8: I lost a sock, took my shoes and socks off to play in a sandpit, when he got home he took a riding crop and belted my legs with it asking why did you take shoes/socks off what were you doing who was with you
what else did you take off ( at the time I understood they were asking if I had been sexual with someone). She stood there and watched the whole time and let him belt me.
Add two more perps.

At 9: she revved up homo warnings and added that if one of here sons became one she would take a gun and shoot him, that is me more hidings for unmanly behavior. And smutty innuendos started.
Add another perp/class bully my age

At 10: dirty jokes and a warning not to mix with a local youth as he takes little boys my age to the park and sticks his dick in their bums,
Add him as another perp

At 11: I entered puberty and she let me know that she knew I was playing with myself. Jokes got dirtier. That is when I began to think that if I wanted she was available. I was what I call put under what I call house arrest so that I would not be accessible to males to lead me astray.
Brother perp increased his veiled propositions for sex

At 12: on a crowded beach I got belted for wanting to lay on my towel and sunbathe (that was poofey) and not play leap frog with the rest of the family I gave in after 15 minutes.
Half brother perp joined in with propositions.

At 13: I started sleeping naked under a sheet in summer. I was often told that I was full mast in my sleep, I was a really sound sleeper and I often wonder did she cop a feel, I wouldnt put it past her. Also at this age she made a statement that our dogs balls were crooked and as she commented someones been playing with him she looked in my eye with that look to see if I reacted guilty. She was accusing me of playing with our dog.
The smut and lewd talk continued.

At 17 she told me about the first guy that fingered her when she was a teenager. And a couple of years after that how she lost her virginity and how she enjoyed it after the first jab of pain. I still think she wanted me to come on to her.
Theres more but this post is long enough thanks for reading
Im trying to shake the shame that I carried thats hers not mine

 

[joelRT]

Dusty Boy,

Thank you so much for sharing this - I know how hard it is to do. Over the last twenty+ years I have often had difficulty deciding which was harder and more complexe to deal with, my CSA or my mother abuse issues.

The way you describe your mother and her behaviour, in so many ways reminds of my own mother. Overt, covert and subversive behaviours that completely robbed me of any sense of personal identity as well as destroyed any concept of personal boundaries.

I believe, for as hurtfull as it can be to do, that boys like us need to stand up and out our mothers. To not only declare them as unfit parents, but also to expose the How and the Why that these women damaged us. When we do so, we give a voice to the many others of us who are just waiting for their turn to speak out.