The Most Difficult Thing About Recovery

The Most Difficult Thing About Recovery
J

John Oarc

Registrant
For me the most difficult thing to overcome so far has to be; dealing with the gigantic loss of time and life in general.

All the bad decisions, the things that are permenant now in my life are directly related to choices I made in a poor state of mind (low self esteem) a result of the CSA. Don't get me wrong recovery is great but the hardest part has to be learning how much you have lost once your brain is working without the CSA driving your self esteem in the ground.

Thanks guys, it is so great to have this place to vent out some of the junk.
 
John, I have been really feeling this lately. I think it is a winter thing...too much free time. I guess all you can really do is not dwell on it, i.e., don't cry over spilt milk. But it's a pretty hard thing to do when it's 3:00am and you can't stop thinking about it...
 
The unimagineable (to non-survivors) degree and depth of loss to abuse is extremely difficult. It is so hard to pull ourself together and move on, knowing how much time and other opportunities were wasted due to the past. But to dwell on it to much I guess would be to waste more time and opportunity. Agreed, it's a vicious cycle to break, and I am impressed always by those of us here who choose to, and then do, break it.

Leosha
 
I've been dwelling on it since I've come here, and it's dragging me down bigtime. People say that I AM recovering, but I dont' feel that way, and isn't THAT what's important? How I'm feeling?

John, how do you get to that point where you intuitively know that your low self-image is no longer the driving force in your life? How do you get there? How? I'm lost.
 
Hauser, I felt that way for a very long time. It is my experience that it is only thru helping others that I become less focused on my stuff. I have good and bad days but I am much better when I think of others. It is the only way I can make sense out of what I went thru. I went thru what I went thru so that one day I can help another. Hope this helps...it has helped me. I have put my faith in a higher power. GOD.

God Bless
Guy D.
 
i certainly understand. that sense of what might have been and that you can't get that back is very hard. i guess what works for me is to focus on the fact it is a new day, and no matter my past, i can be anything i want to be from here on out. i can make the right choices from here on, and that helps.
 
This sounds like something I started discussing with my T a month or so ago. She said I need to grieve the childhood I never had.

I don't know. Things are so much better now that I wonder whether there's anything even better that would make more grief worthwhile. I lost a lot, but that part of my life is over. Why try to enumerate all of it? Or maybe I just don't understand what she means.

Thanks,

Joe
 
Hauser

I believe I deserve the best life has to offer, that is how I know I am on the right track.

We are all worthy, the little kid that feels dirty and unworthy in us has to be cleansed or set free and that is the key to feeling worthy in my opinion.

I did not deserve to be abused but I do deserve to enjoy life. I did not ask for CSA, did not like it, passive/forced participation. I was a nine year old boy, unable to do anything and that is the key.

We are all blameless, I just did not know it until a few years ago, now I am free, without guilt and I deserve but you have to believe this like you believe the sun is going to rise in the morning for it to work.
 
The Great Loss of Time.....It is waking up one day and knowing your not 13 anymore when your in your 50s. Thank God Recovery does come with time. CSA is now just a part of my life that I can deal with.... It is not easy but I can deal with it now that im not 13 anymore... God Bless my Brothers
Gary
 
its the roller coaster thats bad for me ,ups are way up but downs are way down.
 
Gents,

We usually stop growing emotionally at the age of abuse, use of alcohol or drugs or all three. If we don't change out thinking, don't discuss our fears, and joys and hopes we will stay 10, 5, 11 or 25. We have to grow emotionally or stayed mired in this swamp. Just ask people here how they grow? How they get out of their funk? How they start to move along with their life?
We are all different and react likewise - there is no one way - give it a try.

froggy12
 
Froggy,

I was thinking about the emotional standstill just yesterday. Thanks for bringing it up. I believe what you have stated is true because I find myself going through the changes now that I have entered this phase of the recovery process. Again it reminds me of the loss but I am happy that I am progressing so it is even in my book.
 
One of the worst manifestaitions of CSA for me is that, I lost all sense of direction/purpose. I just drifted from one dead-end job to another. Intuitively, I knew that I wasn't going anywhere, not building an educational foundation or career for myself, and just "went with it" Now look at me, I'm where I was at 18 still, a LITTLE more knowledgeble about CSA but, I feel like my wheels are just spinning and that I'm going nowhere STILL.

Also, there is hopelessness, that feeling that no matter what I try I'm just going to fail anyway, so why waste the time/energy? Hope is painful to maintain when you try to act on it and fail 100% of the time.
 
Hauser, stop right there.

I had a double Masters in 'why bother?' and 'let me just die and get it over with.' Cum laude.

You are not old. You are old when you get your Medicare card. I said before I went back at 45 and finished my degree, just to prove to myself that I am not stupid. I felt that way for quite a while. None of us mature emotionally in 2 days. We stagnate when me/you et al say why bother. Why the fuck not bother? No one else is going to bother for us/you/me.

Throw some sand under those spinning wheels and inch out slowly. Yes, that nasty word slowly.

I'd come right over and give you a tow but I can't. Frogs are supposed to be hibernating, but I'm a contrary sonofabitch so all I can do is write stuff here. Just for the hell of it say 'yes I can.' If you have any sense of discovery: youself, around the corner, St Louis, MO or White Plains, NY you can do it. Erase the lies of "I can't.' You can.

Hmmm. I wonder if 'Froggys On The Go' can stop by and give you a push. I'll have to check. Write back and tell me why you can't move along. I want a valid reason, not a spurious supposition.

A grumpy froggy12
 
so true froogy...i have been stuck for years...since i quit drinking and started dealing with my csa..i am heading in the right direction...yet now i have so much to learn that i never did...but i look foreward to it...it helps make me a better person...and for me to realize that maybe i am not such a bad person steve
 
It was really helpful to read these posts. Especially the bit about CSA not ruling my thoughts.

It is very disorienting but my self esteem is on the up and so is ability to form a thought, hold onto it, and develop. I feel like I finally have a chane in life. Yes, much time lost -- not too much, could be worse. But this is all I have. All I know. So I guess its better to enjoy waking up instead of being sad for how long I was asleep?

I am 32 and now find myself considering a career. I don't know what. I don't have to decide in a day. But the decision won't be coming from a low self-esteam place that's for sure.

There's a long way to go, but I'm going.
 
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