The more I remember the more I want to forget
Grunty1967b
Registrant
The subject line is really all I wanted to say in this post. As I recall things from my past abuse I wish I didn't as it's all pretty upsetting. I wish I could forget it all.
The more I remember the more I want to forget
- Thread starterGrunty1967b
- Start date
I'm with you on that one. But I did forget. for nearly 3 decades I forgot, and the void left by the forgetfulness was filled with unexplained rage.
Furthermore I wish it didn't happen at all. I can throw a screaming, kicking fit, and it still happened. All the anger and avoiding in the world will not change the fact that it happened and I weep about that sometimes.
So now I'm left with the fact of my abuse and the aftermath of the abuse and the memories of my abuse to deal with.
I've been to group. I go to counseling. I've disclosed to certain friends and family I know will be supportive, and I've spoken out in front of congregations about my abuse. I've come here and lurked, and posted, and I am beginning to understand that there is a life for me beyond the abuse, beyond the forgetfulness, beyond the rage.
I am biginning to live that life and enjoy it but I still, still wish it didn't happen in the first place.
I guess I just need to remember that if it hadn't happened to me, I would not be as effective in helping others to whom it has happened.
Burce, your posts have helped me understand a little more about myself. You are a good person. You have been very quick to make new people feel welcome here, to encourage those that are feeling down. Your presence here on the site helps make it what it is even though it is a sad thing what brings you here in the first place. You truly are a help to those like you that come here.
Just wanted to say thanks.
Courage,
John
Furthermore I wish it didn't happen at all. I can throw a screaming, kicking fit, and it still happened. All the anger and avoiding in the world will not change the fact that it happened and I weep about that sometimes.
So now I'm left with the fact of my abuse and the aftermath of the abuse and the memories of my abuse to deal with.
I've been to group. I go to counseling. I've disclosed to certain friends and family I know will be supportive, and I've spoken out in front of congregations about my abuse. I've come here and lurked, and posted, and I am beginning to understand that there is a life for me beyond the abuse, beyond the forgetfulness, beyond the rage.
I am biginning to live that life and enjoy it but I still, still wish it didn't happen in the first place.
I guess I just need to remember that if it hadn't happened to me, I would not be as effective in helping others to whom it has happened.
Burce, your posts have helped me understand a little more about myself. You are a good person. You have been very quick to make new people feel welcome here, to encourage those that are feeling down. Your presence here on the site helps make it what it is even though it is a sad thing what brings you here in the first place. You truly are a help to those like you that come here.
Just wanted to say thanks.
Courage,
John
roadrunner
Registrant
Bruce,
Man, do I ever hear you on this one. There were a lot of times I felt the same way. The more effort I put into dealing and coping with the past, the more it came rebounding back to bite me again, and even harder, and with understanding of what? ... the ease with which I was tricked and used, the enormous danger I was in even after my abuser disappeared and other similar goodies. Who needs that, if recovery is nothing more than this?
In a way I am coming to see that things are a lot more complicated than that. Life is full of situations where what seems to be a simple revelation has huge and unexpected implications in a dozen different directions. When we find it difficult to cope with all this, that is not our fault.
I am also coming to see that the old "pain is gain" scenario is unnecessary torment. Progress isn't measured by how much it hurts me. That reminds me of a line from an old John Lee Hooker song: "I was born to suffer..." No I wasn't! I just need to find a pace that allows me to cope with things in doses I can manage without dying a thousand deaths, and that will usually mean with the help of a therapist.
Bruce, wishing you could forget it all is a stage, I think. It's a way of saying: "This hurts so bad. It's too much." I know the feeling bro. But hang in there. The place where you are now is the world of real emotions and recovering the real you. The other is a murky world of denial. It attracts us because it appears to be safe, but that illusion never lasts, as so many of us know to our incalculable cost.
No one can tell you the path is without holes and obstacles, but it IS the only path. I don't know how I came to know this, I just do. Maybe because so many others whom I trust are all on the same path.
Stay with us,
Larry
Man, do I ever hear you on this one. There were a lot of times I felt the same way. The more effort I put into dealing and coping with the past, the more it came rebounding back to bite me again, and even harder, and with understanding of what? ... the ease with which I was tricked and used, the enormous danger I was in even after my abuser disappeared and other similar goodies. Who needs that, if recovery is nothing more than this?
In a way I am coming to see that things are a lot more complicated than that. Life is full of situations where what seems to be a simple revelation has huge and unexpected implications in a dozen different directions. When we find it difficult to cope with all this, that is not our fault.
I am also coming to see that the old "pain is gain" scenario is unnecessary torment. Progress isn't measured by how much it hurts me. That reminds me of a line from an old John Lee Hooker song: "I was born to suffer..." No I wasn't! I just need to find a pace that allows me to cope with things in doses I can manage without dying a thousand deaths, and that will usually mean with the help of a therapist.
Bruce, wishing you could forget it all is a stage, I think. It's a way of saying: "This hurts so bad. It's too much." I know the feeling bro. But hang in there. The place where you are now is the world of real emotions and recovering the real you. The other is a murky world of denial. It attracts us because it appears to be safe, but that illusion never lasts, as so many of us know to our incalculable cost.
No one can tell you the path is without holes and obstacles, but it IS the only path. I don't know how I came to know this, I just do. Maybe because so many others whom I trust are all on the same path.
Stay with us,
Larry
Grunty1967b
Registrant
Walking South (John), I can say "me too" on the forgetting it all for 30 years. That's where I am at right now having had all this stuff buried for the last 30 years. So memory time for me is right now and pretty devastating but regrettably and apparently part of the process. Interestingly, I just read an amazing paragraph in a book I recently got (yes I opened the box!) called Beyond Betrayal. Pretty rough reading but very spot on. The paragraph in question made the comment that many men REALY start confronting and dealing with their childhood sexual abuse in their 30s and 40s. Thats me! Who was looking over my shoulder! 
John, my desire also is that if I can help others then at least some good can come out of all this. Thankyou for sharing that about yourself and also thankyou for answering my unasked question. I am so used to being Mr Mental Strongman that when I cave emotionally I give myself such a hard time. Its been my only coping mechanism (thats worked sort of) so I get sad when my protection plan fails and I also get sad because Im sad! Go figure!! My point is that I want to help others here so thankyou for confirming that I do do this (from time to time when Im not going spacko myself).
Roadrunner (Larry), I think I just got a virtual hug by what you said. Thanks. Its reassuring to know that you know exactly what Im feeling. Indeed as I [involuntarily] dig deeper I get in deeper and in a darker place. Without really wanting this I somehow also know that its part of the process. Maybe its a bit like having come out of hospital after surgery and having pain in your body but knowing the pain was necessary for the ultimate solution. It sucks and it still doesnt make me want to have to go through this. Anyway, cry over now.
John, my desire also is that if I can help others then at least some good can come out of all this. Thankyou for sharing that about yourself and also thankyou for answering my unasked question. I am so used to being Mr Mental Strongman that when I cave emotionally I give myself such a hard time. Its been my only coping mechanism (thats worked sort of) so I get sad when my protection plan fails and I also get sad because Im sad! Go figure!! My point is that I want to help others here so thankyou for confirming that I do do this (from time to time when Im not going spacko myself).
Roadrunner (Larry), I think I just got a virtual hug by what you said. Thanks. Its reassuring to know that you know exactly what Im feeling. Indeed as I [involuntarily] dig deeper I get in deeper and in a darker place. Without really wanting this I somehow also know that its part of the process. Maybe its a bit like having come out of hospital after surgery and having pain in your body but knowing the pain was necessary for the ultimate solution. It sucks and it still doesnt make me want to have to go through this. Anyway, cry over now.
lacansletter
Registrant
Ah, how many times have I wished that I had never remembered any of this, that all this sh** stayed buried where it has been for the last 20 years. Then I realize that this has been affecting my behavior for the past 20 years without me even knowing it. How many times have I been hospitalized, how many S. attemps did it take for me to realize that I had a really serious problem?
As painful as it is now, to know and feel the pain of SA memories, for me it is a far sight better than the not knowing. the whole time growing up, getting into trouble, misdiagnosed a dozen times by a dozen shrinks, being labeled. What was wrong with me? i thought i was just constitutionally unable to be happy, to do the right things. I was a f***-up, a drunk, a drugie, an angry teen, angry at his parents and the world for who-knows-what.
Now I can point to this thing, this external act that was not my fault or my doing and know that is what has caused all this other pain and suffering. I am not a fu**-up, I am not permanently screwed. I realize that I do have the capacity for happiness, for being healthy and loving. Don't get me wrong, this all still hurts like a MF, but now instead of fighting my self and my skewed inner nature, I know that I am fighting a monster and a criminal. And in the end, I will point a finger at my perp and say "Damn you to hell" priest or not. I can survive becuase now I know what it is I am fighting. And it is not Me.
As painful as it is now, to know and feel the pain of SA memories, for me it is a far sight better than the not knowing. the whole time growing up, getting into trouble, misdiagnosed a dozen times by a dozen shrinks, being labeled. What was wrong with me? i thought i was just constitutionally unable to be happy, to do the right things. I was a f***-up, a drunk, a drugie, an angry teen, angry at his parents and the world for who-knows-what.
Now I can point to this thing, this external act that was not my fault or my doing and know that is what has caused all this other pain and suffering. I am not a fu**-up, I am not permanently screwed. I realize that I do have the capacity for happiness, for being healthy and loving. Don't get me wrong, this all still hurts like a MF, but now instead of fighting my self and my skewed inner nature, I know that I am fighting a monster and a criminal. And in the end, I will point a finger at my perp and say "Damn you to hell" priest or not. I can survive becuase now I know what it is I am fighting. And it is not Me.
Grunty,
How well I know what you're saying. Like you, I' have always tried to be the mentally strong one. Not sure I ever really succeeded but I liked to maintain the facade of control. As I get more and more into this SA, I feel less and less in control. Many times I just want to stop, sit down where I am and refuse to move any further...much like a stubborn donkey. (and YES, an references to being an ASS are appropriately applicable here! ). Again, like you I tend to CAVE when I lose that emotional control.
I thank you for sharing this. I thank all the others for replying because while I know I'm not alone in my thinking here...it's really nice to have it confirmed that I'm not completely a loon.
BTW...CONGRATS on opening the box!! I told you it was worth it!! Tough...but worth it!
tx_space
How well I know what you're saying. Like you, I' have always tried to be the mentally strong one. Not sure I ever really succeeded but I liked to maintain the facade of control. As I get more and more into this SA, I feel less and less in control. Many times I just want to stop, sit down where I am and refuse to move any further...much like a stubborn donkey. (and YES, an references to being an ASS are appropriately applicable here! ). Again, like you I tend to CAVE when I lose that emotional control.
I thank you for sharing this. I thank all the others for replying because while I know I'm not alone in my thinking here...it's really nice to have it confirmed that I'm not completely a loon.
BTW...CONGRATS on opening the box!! I told you it was worth it!! Tough...but worth it!
tx_space
AuthenticMe
Registrant
Here, here. I wish I could forget, too. I also long for the "good old days" when I could disassociate from everything, though I know recovery warrants that I move past that.
roadrunner
Registrant
Brothers,
Just wonder if I can come back to this again. I learned so much from hearing what others have said, and Bruce: good catch on the virtual hug!
Ah yes, the good old days. But were they so good? I look back and mine were pretty much as Lacansletter felt: "I was a f***-up, a drunk, a drugie, an angry teen, angry at his parents and the world for who-knows-what." Once I got past feeling and acting like that, it wasn't by facing my issues but rather by freezing them out.
x_space nails another one: fear of losing control. I have to admit this is huge for me. I want to face what happened and how it affected me, but a lot of times it seems like that leads me into an endless downward spiral. I somehow get this idea that the more I hurt the better it must be. But that's like thinking the remedy for a fire is to jump in and stomp on it. Working at a more careful pace and with a therapist suggests maybe it's better to see what's causing the fire and keep from getting burned.
Anyway, do we have control when we aren't facing things? Maybe in trivial ways, but I look back and can see my life was more or less out of control before I decided I needed to do something.
Know what struck me hardest looking over the latest posts here? What you guys are basically pointing to is the fact that to forget it all is also to forget that we are NOT screwed or loons or unworthy or shamed or guilty or whatever other crap ideas were stuck in our heads by what happened. It means to forget that we are all decent people, GOOD people who deserved better from the get-go and who still have lots of possibilities and opportunities. Why should we agree to lose even more than what has been taken from us already?
Love to all,
Larry
Just wonder if I can come back to this again. I learned so much from hearing what others have said, and Bruce: good catch on the virtual hug!
Ah yes, the good old days. But were they so good? I look back and mine were pretty much as Lacansletter felt: "I was a f***-up, a drunk, a drugie, an angry teen, angry at his parents and the world for who-knows-what." Once I got past feeling and acting like that, it wasn't by facing my issues but rather by freezing them out.
x_space nails another one: fear of losing control. I have to admit this is huge for me. I want to face what happened and how it affected me, but a lot of times it seems like that leads me into an endless downward spiral. I somehow get this idea that the more I hurt the better it must be. But that's like thinking the remedy for a fire is to jump in and stomp on it. Working at a more careful pace and with a therapist suggests maybe it's better to see what's causing the fire and keep from getting burned.
Anyway, do we have control when we aren't facing things? Maybe in trivial ways, but I look back and can see my life was more or less out of control before I decided I needed to do something.
Know what struck me hardest looking over the latest posts here? What you guys are basically pointing to is the fact that to forget it all is also to forget that we are NOT screwed or loons or unworthy or shamed or guilty or whatever other crap ideas were stuck in our heads by what happened. It means to forget that we are all decent people, GOOD people who deserved better from the get-go and who still have lots of possibilities and opportunities. Why should we agree to lose even more than what has been taken from us already?
Love to all,
Larry
Just wanted to chime in and say I can identify with just about everything expressed here; at the same time i realize that i can never go back to "the old way" of getting through life, the fact that the outside world and my inner state both proceed apace, without the slightest consideration for how one might affect the other, makes for one tough balancing act as i try to move forward... "How much of focusing on daily practicalities is edging close to the old subconscious habit of denial?"
"How much time spent on thinking/feeling about what happened is unhealthy wallowing in a "victim" mind-set, and how much is healthy and necessary exploration of that which was so long repressed?"
And, of course, one of the least pleasant questions, after realizing how much of my past thoughts/behaviors were unconsciously driven by the CSA:
"How far does this friggin' rabbit-hole go?"
As painful, lengthy, and terrifying as the process of recovery may be at times, it's still a thousand times better than constantly asking myself "What the hell's wrong with me?", or telling myself "You will always fail."
Thanks guys.
"How much time spent on thinking/feeling about what happened is unhealthy wallowing in a "victim" mind-set, and how much is healthy and necessary exploration of that which was so long repressed?"
And, of course, one of the least pleasant questions, after realizing how much of my past thoughts/behaviors were unconsciously driven by the CSA:
"How far does this friggin' rabbit-hole go?"
As painful, lengthy, and terrifying as the process of recovery may be at times, it's still a thousand times better than constantly asking myself "What the hell's wrong with me?", or telling myself "You will always fail."
Thanks guys.
oriolesguy
Registrant
Holy shit. Are you guys on the money. And god help me, there are things I never wanted to remember or ever acknowledge that they happened. But they did, and I do want to forget them, and forget my guilty part in all of it. I will not fail, I told myself, and with a tough exterior I thought I could plow through my life and forget it. I was stupid.
I don't want to remember, but it's all starting to haunt me now. I'm thinking of reposting on Survivor Stories, the whole kit and kabootle, with no detail spared. I've never admitted to myself some of this shit, but it's there, I have to get rid of it, and it sucks. Disclosing really sucks. Slowly, relentlessly, I guess, I'm moving toward it, and I can see the edge of the cliff approaching. And I don't know what else is out there.
TX-Space, I second your sentiments.
Oriolesguy
I don't want to remember, but it's all starting to haunt me now. I'm thinking of reposting on Survivor Stories, the whole kit and kabootle, with no detail spared. I've never admitted to myself some of this shit, but it's there, I have to get rid of it, and it sucks. Disclosing really sucks. Slowly, relentlessly, I guess, I'm moving toward it, and I can see the edge of the cliff approaching. And I don't know what else is out there.
TX-Space, I second your sentiments.
Oriolesguy
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Hi,oriolesguy,
Yes my friends on these pages, Those long buried CSA memories sure are devistating. Mine were buried for 50+yrs. Just came back in the last 4 months. We all feel guilty about it. But wehave to remember that we were the VICTIMS, no matter what our child brains thought, we can't get our lost childhood back. I sure tried to drown that lost boy in alcohol, in those old days. But I have recently came to the conclusion that we cannot drown him, we cannot drug him, we cannot run away from him. So like the book Victims No Longer says we gotta quot beating up ourselfs about it. We gotta get with that lost boy and come to terms with ourselfs, and move on from VICTIM to SURVIVOR. That lost boy and me, surely haven't much time left to enjoy our rebirth. I'm 69 & soon to 70. Heal well my friends, hopefully someday we'll all get the serenity that we so richly deserve.
Pete (Irishmoose)
Yes my friends on these pages, Those long buried CSA memories sure are devistating. Mine were buried for 50+yrs. Just came back in the last 4 months. We all feel guilty about it. But wehave to remember that we were the VICTIMS, no matter what our child brains thought, we can't get our lost childhood back. I sure tried to drown that lost boy in alcohol, in those old days. But I have recently came to the conclusion that we cannot drown him, we cannot drug him, we cannot run away from him. So like the book Victims No Longer says we gotta quot beating up ourselfs about it. We gotta get with that lost boy and come to terms with ourselfs, and move on from VICTIM to SURVIVOR. That lost boy and me, surely haven't much time left to enjoy our rebirth. I'm 69 & soon to 70. Heal well my friends, hopefully someday we'll all get the serenity that we so richly deserve.
Pete (Irishmoose)