the mirror

[tone]

another one of those days where you can't bare looking at yourself in the mirror. Is all that ugliness that you see reflected back at you what others see?
Another one of those days when you can barely drag yourself out of the house because your shirt might make you look to feminine, or you don't want to smile at kids or babies with their parents because they might think you are a pervert. a day when no amount of sunlight will fade the grey behind the sunglasses.
Another one of those days when you get your change back all the thank yous seem so insencere, all the looks are judging the back of your neck.
And yet in all that maze that you created there is someone like you , thinking the same thoughts of loneliness, of rejection.
How many people you cross paths with that bleed within that crave what you crave but cannot wait to get back to the shelter of of their four walls.
I feel deflated , the mask broken, left only with raw flesh feeling every pain that tears at my soul. No rest for the wicked they say.
Now i wait for tommorow, in the dark within the four walls i created in my head to shelter me from my wickedness.
I am not at fault but they tell me that i am not normal, that i fail to include myself in the group. It's like speaking the same language but not knowing the culture.
tommorow may bring back my confidence and my arrogance so that i can become once again one of them.

 

[Sans Logos]

Tone,

These are words of one trapped in a victms mentality.

I find myself slipping back to this every now and then. Especially when I am having a bad day. It reminds me of a Phoebe Snow song:

"All I want to know from you when you hear my plea:
Do you like or love either or both of me?"

I think in this song she is laughing at herself. It's good to remember to do that.

Whistling in the dark has gotten me through many a grey day. Tomorrow, though, I ultimately wake with a different mentality, and I have learned as I go from day to day, I have the power to decide how I will feel for the rest of the day. It almost sounds too simple, but its true. If I continue to "cling" to thoughts of feeling bleak, then I stay there. I have to keep reminding myself a lot the "feelings are not facts". Sometimes this works and sometimes not. Most times it does. I can decide to change my thoughts and feelings from moment to moment.

It is important to not let myself be judged by the world outside, but to use my inner resources to guide me. Ones that tell me I care about others in a good healthy way. Ones that tell me I was created for a purpose, and as long as I breathe i can decide what it is, and not let others determine who I am at any given moment. For us survivors it is important to remember to hold onto our power. Get out of the habit of giving it away to every tom dick and harry that comes down the pike.

There's is a speck of the absolute, the divine in each of us, working out the best course for our lives in spite of the tragic things that happen to us.

You're definately doing the right thing sharing these thoughts and feelings here with us, because we can really identify with what you are going through. Just remember that you are not alone. Just remember to keep doing the things that will make you triumphant over the effects of this dis-ease.

Blessings,

Ron

 

[uncertain]

Tone, thank you for sharing. Extremely well-expressed. Boy, do I know those days... when you wake up and feel uglier than you are and not even able to walk properly (it seems).

I used to think no one else had those days. I have come to realize that everyone has them to one degree or other, it's how we deal with it that matters, as Sans Logos gave some good coping advice.

Now when I have those days, I try to realize that I don't deserve to feel that way, it's just a temporary result of wrong perception. So I just try to ignore it as best as possible and realize soon, it will pass, I will be able to see myself in the mirror without grimacing and I will be able to walk properly again.