the magic number Trigger Warning
OnceInnocent
Registrant
I posted here before about being sexually assaulted and then raped when I was 24. like an idiot I requested to have it removed.
I should repost it, but its not as well written. "like to hear it, here it goes."
when I was 24 we relocated and I met a man accidentally who became my friend. A very intimidating man. Tall and well built. for several months we got to know each other slowly and we became really close. it was the first time id become actual friends with a very well built person who I would consider cool.
He got me into working out and we shared a lot of other interests. so we just happened to spend a lot of time together. I had no idea, even though I had been raped and abused for 10 years as a kid, sometimes daily, that I was being groomed. for that matter I didn't even know what grooming was. which is pathetic, given that id started my recovery at age 15. I had thrown myself into recovery by reading as many books as possible, getting on meds that were terrible, and going to therapy and from one therapist to another.
I don't know if it was because I was getting closer to him or some other reason, but I suspect it was bc he was triggering me on purpose based on the details id told him about my abuse, but I started getting more triggered (which I didn't believe that I could be since I started my recovery so early. DUMB) and my wife pushed me to spend more time with him to resolve these "conflicts".
one evening he stayed late at our place after we had a party. so late that I went to bed and left my wife, him and another woman in our living room. I told my wife I wanted him out but she kept ignoring me (her usual approach back then) and eventually just said, "its fine just go to bed."
I was pretty upset by that and was really upset. but also drunk. I don't know what time it was, but I was awakened by giggling. and I could hear that it was my wife and the other woman tickling him and he was laughing. I was like, wtf?!
so I just laid there listening and wondering. eventually it went quiet. and then the other woman decided she was going to leave and they all said goodbye and she left.
it went quiet again and for a long time I just assumed the two of them must be kissing or making out. but then, I couldn't see them. but my wife had become pretty flirty with him. I waited and eventually she came in to the bedroom because id turned on the light and peeked out. she came over and I flipped out. I had, idk what you would call it. probably a panic attack or anxiety attack. I lost the ability to speak after saying "I can't, I can't, I can't", over and over. I felt as if it was happening to another person and that I was viewing it all happening. I was trapped in my body but I could see myself trapped in my body (this hadn't happened since I was being abused).
there I was, standing in the doorway, doing all this in front of this dude and my wife acting like she had no idea what to do. so she told him she wanted him to stay over night to "make sure I was ok". I remember thinking, "you mean so you can get him to fuck you..."
I was so over stimulated I even stopped rocking back and forth. I was completely shut down. I don't know how much time passed before she asked me to sit down on the couch with. my body just slowly moved over to the unfolded futon. I looked at her and smiled slowly and whispered slowly "I hate him". and then i started to slowly laugh. it just happened. I did not think about doing this.
so there I was sitting on my futon with this goon. he was trying to talk with my as my wife was sitting on the floor in front of us. she kept asking me if I wanted him to sit closer. I couldn't answer and he would just move closer. he kept that up until he was right next to me with our legs touching. something I hadn't allowed since I was little. she should have known I didn't want that bc she knew I was a survivor and I knew she was too. eventually he put his arm around me. he took his left hand and held my head and pushed it down on his shoulder. I wanted to scream but I was locked in...
______________________
then my wife told me and him that she was tired and that I should sleep on the futon with him. they got me situated and he turned out the lights and got in with me. he scooped me up and held me. I fell asleep.
the next day when I woke up, I was still in his arms. as far as I know, he didn't do anything to me. It took a long time to talk, like hours. I just laid there and wondered what was going on with me and how could this happen and why cant I stop it. but then there wasn't anything wrong. it was just weird but he hadn't done anything to me...
I finally started to say words and I said "im sorry" to him. he hugged me and told me its ok. I felt sure that it was a one time thing and that everything would go back to normal. and it seemed to. that week was good. we spent time together and life was normal.
then the weekend came. he stayed late again. WHY DIDNT I STOP THIS?! again he slept on the couch. this time he asked me if I wanted to sleep with him. I shut down and bowed my head and said, "I guess".
again, he scooped me up and held me and then spooned me way too close, I could feel his boner in my crack. when he moved over and pulled me over and held my arm and moved me behind him to spoon him. he said, "now its your turn to hold me." he held my arm against his huge chest. my fingers in his chest hair. he would reach back and pull me close so my junk was up in his crack. I would move away slowly but he would push me back and hold my arm against his chest with his other arm. just like he had held me.
We fell asleep. We woke up. another weekend another time and another. He started holding me and grinding into my ass, both of us with just boxers on. he would start to moan and I would be crying silently not knowing how to stop this and wondering why I didn't stop this?! then he flipped again and made me do it to him. he would say "I love you" and stroke my ass until I got hard and then push my boner in his crack over and over. I would space out again and again and try not to cry.
eventually he invited my wife to sleep with us on the weekends. he was in the middle. he would do this and make me do it in front of her. and while I was behind him he would start to touch my wife. this went on for months.
I started to think that he was in love with her and he was in love with me. and that we all would be this weird 3some couple forever. did I want that?! NO. but it was happening and I felt powerless to stop it. WHY DIDNT I STOP THIS?!
one evening when we were drinking and watching a movie, I passed out. that wasn't normal for me. I would usually be the last person to fall asleep. or so I thought. I started having this dream that I was on the couch watching a movie and it was like exactly what we were doing. just sitting there drinking and laughing, only in my dream he was reaching over and fondling me with my wife there...
in the dream he kept rubbing me through my jeans and I eventually came. this woke me up and I was actually cumming in my jeans. I looked down to see a hand moving away from me and cum starting to wet my jeans. I tried to be still as I knew someone was there. I quickly followed the hand with my eyes and there he was, right between us like in the dream, moving his and back to my wifes face. as he kissed her and she kissed him. I closed my eyes and pretended I was asleep....
that's all I can stomach to wright at the moment. so sick of thinking about this...
I should repost it, but its not as well written. "like to hear it, here it goes."
when I was 24 we relocated and I met a man accidentally who became my friend. A very intimidating man. Tall and well built. for several months we got to know each other slowly and we became really close. it was the first time id become actual friends with a very well built person who I would consider cool.
He got me into working out and we shared a lot of other interests. so we just happened to spend a lot of time together. I had no idea, even though I had been raped and abused for 10 years as a kid, sometimes daily, that I was being groomed. for that matter I didn't even know what grooming was. which is pathetic, given that id started my recovery at age 15. I had thrown myself into recovery by reading as many books as possible, getting on meds that were terrible, and going to therapy and from one therapist to another.
I don't know if it was because I was getting closer to him or some other reason, but I suspect it was bc he was triggering me on purpose based on the details id told him about my abuse, but I started getting more triggered (which I didn't believe that I could be since I started my recovery so early. DUMB) and my wife pushed me to spend more time with him to resolve these "conflicts".
one evening he stayed late at our place after we had a party. so late that I went to bed and left my wife, him and another woman in our living room. I told my wife I wanted him out but she kept ignoring me (her usual approach back then) and eventually just said, "its fine just go to bed."
I was pretty upset by that and was really upset. but also drunk. I don't know what time it was, but I was awakened by giggling. and I could hear that it was my wife and the other woman tickling him and he was laughing. I was like, wtf?!
so I just laid there listening and wondering. eventually it went quiet. and then the other woman decided she was going to leave and they all said goodbye and she left.
it went quiet again and for a long time I just assumed the two of them must be kissing or making out. but then, I couldn't see them. but my wife had become pretty flirty with him. I waited and eventually she came in to the bedroom because id turned on the light and peeked out. she came over and I flipped out. I had, idk what you would call it. probably a panic attack or anxiety attack. I lost the ability to speak after saying "I can't, I can't, I can't", over and over. I felt as if it was happening to another person and that I was viewing it all happening. I was trapped in my body but I could see myself trapped in my body (this hadn't happened since I was being abused).
there I was, standing in the doorway, doing all this in front of this dude and my wife acting like she had no idea what to do. so she told him she wanted him to stay over night to "make sure I was ok". I remember thinking, "you mean so you can get him to fuck you..."
I was so over stimulated I even stopped rocking back and forth. I was completely shut down. I don't know how much time passed before she asked me to sit down on the couch with. my body just slowly moved over to the unfolded futon. I looked at her and smiled slowly and whispered slowly "I hate him". and then i started to slowly laugh. it just happened. I did not think about doing this.
so there I was sitting on my futon with this goon. he was trying to talk with my as my wife was sitting on the floor in front of us. she kept asking me if I wanted him to sit closer. I couldn't answer and he would just move closer. he kept that up until he was right next to me with our legs touching. something I hadn't allowed since I was little. she should have known I didn't want that bc she knew I was a survivor and I knew she was too. eventually he put his arm around me. he took his left hand and held my head and pushed it down on his shoulder. I wanted to scream but I was locked in...
______________________
then my wife told me and him that she was tired and that I should sleep on the futon with him. they got me situated and he turned out the lights and got in with me. he scooped me up and held me. I fell asleep.
the next day when I woke up, I was still in his arms. as far as I know, he didn't do anything to me. It took a long time to talk, like hours. I just laid there and wondered what was going on with me and how could this happen and why cant I stop it. but then there wasn't anything wrong. it was just weird but he hadn't done anything to me...
I finally started to say words and I said "im sorry" to him. he hugged me and told me its ok. I felt sure that it was a one time thing and that everything would go back to normal. and it seemed to. that week was good. we spent time together and life was normal.
then the weekend came. he stayed late again. WHY DIDNT I STOP THIS?! again he slept on the couch. this time he asked me if I wanted to sleep with him. I shut down and bowed my head and said, "I guess".
again, he scooped me up and held me and then spooned me way too close, I could feel his boner in my crack. when he moved over and pulled me over and held my arm and moved me behind him to spoon him. he said, "now its your turn to hold me." he held my arm against his huge chest. my fingers in his chest hair. he would reach back and pull me close so my junk was up in his crack. I would move away slowly but he would push me back and hold my arm against his chest with his other arm. just like he had held me.
We fell asleep. We woke up. another weekend another time and another. He started holding me and grinding into my ass, both of us with just boxers on. he would start to moan and I would be crying silently not knowing how to stop this and wondering why I didn't stop this?! then he flipped again and made me do it to him. he would say "I love you" and stroke my ass until I got hard and then push my boner in his crack over and over. I would space out again and again and try not to cry.
eventually he invited my wife to sleep with us on the weekends. he was in the middle. he would do this and make me do it in front of her. and while I was behind him he would start to touch my wife. this went on for months.
I started to think that he was in love with her and he was in love with me. and that we all would be this weird 3some couple forever. did I want that?! NO. but it was happening and I felt powerless to stop it. WHY DIDNT I STOP THIS?!
one evening when we were drinking and watching a movie, I passed out. that wasn't normal for me. I would usually be the last person to fall asleep. or so I thought. I started having this dream that I was on the couch watching a movie and it was like exactly what we were doing. just sitting there drinking and laughing, only in my dream he was reaching over and fondling me with my wife there...
in the dream he kept rubbing me through my jeans and I eventually came. this woke me up and I was actually cumming in my jeans. I looked down to see a hand moving away from me and cum starting to wet my jeans. I tried to be still as I knew someone was there. I quickly followed the hand with my eyes and there he was, right between us like in the dream, moving his and back to my wifes face. as he kissed her and she kissed him. I closed my eyes and pretended I was asleep....
that's all I can stomach to wright at the moment. so sick of thinking about this...
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