The loss of dignity

[endlessjourney]

I think back to my high school years. I never seemed to fit in and feel like a part of the crowd. I remember joining the wrestling team in hopes to gain some respect and self-confidence. I always knew there was something wrong with me at that time but I couldn't quite figure out what.

I remember losing a match my freshman year and going from feeling fine to feeling terrified, ashamed, weak, and enraged. My tears were not a result of losing the match but the result of what losing that match had reminded me of. I felt, that if I am a good wrestler, no one would "fuck" with me. I was tired of being hurt and disrespected by my family and many of those around me. While on that team, I felt no comradery with the others and I had a coach who either didn't care or didn't know how to react to me. I felt I was way fucked up compared to all of these other people.

A year later I had lost in the sectional championship tournament and felt horrible. The coach told us that even if we lost, we still needed to be there and watch the rest of the team wrestle or we would not get our varsity letter. Instead I was drinking and smoking pot with the hopes that I would somehow just have a heart attack and die. Late sunday night, 2 days later, my wrestling coach called my house wanting to ask me why I didn't show for the rest of the tournament. At this time I was 16 and I had snuck out on my back porch to drink a 40 and escape. My mom had answered his call and caught me drinking. I was so terrified of what she would do to me. In the mean time, I had talked to my new coach and told him that I didn't care anymore about who I was or where I was going and told him that I was a fuck up and not worth a shit. I started crying on the phone and he just sat in silence. Didn't know what to say or do I guess. Afterall, he was my coach but he was still a 21 year old kid. Out of all the people I wanted to gain respect from, he was the main most important at that time and telling him I give up on life was almost an act of rage against him. It was also a cry for help. He must have thought "oh my god, this kid is fucked in the head".

 

[endlessjourney]

Not everyone understands the pain of CSA. Not everyone one understands the effects that CSA can have on ones own life as a whole. It's not easy to survive. I know this because I shed a tear while writing this passage. A constant gauntlet of emotional pain, harsh memories, disorders, and confusion have plagued our lives for years and years.

For me, it sounds like I was looking in the wrong place for respect. I was looking in the wrong place for a role model. I barely even knew my coach when I think about it. I was so quiet and reserved when I wrestled. I guess there was always too much stuff running through my mind. No one was there to look out for that kid. No one even gave a shit. Just another little fuckin punk that isn't going to do nothin with his life. (Thats how I felt anyway).

The horrible messages my family and my perps relayed to me are the very things that are too blame for all of this and I'm pissed. I will wait till I cool off and then, I have some more confronting to do.

 

[onlyakid]

I never fit in or was a part of a crowd in highschool either. My father was friends with the Athletic director and got me a job as the basketball manager (I know geeky job, I'm getting to the point), anyway I was reserved and asocial, when one of the basketball players got my attention at a local convience store and was talking to me, all I could think, is WHY IS HE TALKING TO ME? Is this some joke, does he want something. One time one of the girls basketball players was in my gym class and she got assigned to sit next to me, she was trying to strike up a conversation with me saying "So, your the basketball manager". I of course said something like "Yup" and that ended that conversation.

 

[Morning Star]

endless,
I remember, the only way out I ever found out of the phenomenon of not fitting in, was choosing to fit in, without loosing my individuality. I m different that is why I am important.
Peer or parental approval are shallow ways of building our self esteem. and what lack of thier approval has taught me is that now I can build it up for myself, by knowinghw important I amfor myself.

Ultimately, I am not that different from any one, I am just another humna being trying to be happy by trying fitting in. But then fitting never makes any one happy, permanently.

Now I have different meaning for fitting in, I wanted appreciation and acknowledgement, which I never got, because I wasn't yet willing to acknowledge my own pain and confusion. I thought I could think my way out of that quagmire, forgeting that the problem laid with my 'thinking apparatus' itself. NOw I know I can only feel my way thru it, because feeling is living, to be alive. Instead of thinking o I am angry, sad, or in despair , I'd rather feel the pain. Feel what I want others to feel for me. YOu are right no one can feel or understand what you are going thru, it is our individual journey.

 

[roadrunner]

EJ,

I am so sorry this happened to you, and I think it is something that is a lot more common among teenagers than we think. Growing up is traumatic anyway, and so MANY kids feel that they are the odd one out, not part of a crowd, rejected, and so on. I certainly felt like that. I hated being good in school, but then a guy I knew on the football team told me he wished he had my ability at my studies. That really blew me away!

I don't recall right now how old you are, but remember that however the coach reacted, that does not reflect on your value as a teenager or your value now as a man. Maybe it's changing now, but I think teachers, coaches, youth leaders and whoever, are just NOT trained to deal with the traumatic things that the kids they work with might face and approach them about. Your coach was probably wondering wow, now what do I do?

You were not "fucked in the head". You were exactly what you now say you were: a scared kid crying out for help.

Much love,
Larry