the long and winding road

the long and winding road
B

bc22

Registrant
I almost do not know what to write. I feel like I go back and keep obsessing about the same things. My wife seems to be looking down a dark path for us. we will be seperated under the same roof. I am trying hard to concentrate on my recovery, but everywhere there are distractions. I cried for an hour the other night thinking that if we end in divorce, I will not have my children everyday. there time is so precious and the thought of having them taken from me on a daily basis just brings to me my own childhood being taken. So i get to loose my childhood and the honor of a daily relationship with the 3 most precious souls I have ever known. My wife just does not understand how all of this crap is just bringing my abuse more and more in view. She has obvious issues, but will not look in the mirror to confront them. I will not try to force it because it comes from me so she will be less excepting and we all must do things in our own time. I just need the stregth to continue on my path and not be sidetracked with all of lifes other obsticales that are constantly being thrown at me. I have decided the best way to deal with all of this is to be the best father I can, do not even discuss anything real with my wife because she doesn't want to hear it, and just be the best man I can be. I must realize that she will either benefit by finally opening her eyes or loose out because she will never find anyone like me. I am a survivor!!!
BC
 
BC,

My heart goes out to you, Friend. Relationships can be difficult at times even for folk who've never been through the kind of crap we have. Throw all this stuff into the mix as well, and it becomes a hellish nightmare. The struggle becomes balancing our recovery with trying to foster relationship with spouse and kids. Difficult to do.

You've got my compassion, etc. You've done a good thing in coming here and talking about it. Here you will be heard and understood. That is so important. It can help you stay centered and take at least some of the pressure off so that you can at least try to work on the relationship in order to stay in daily contact with your wonderful children. It is so important that they have their father in their lives. I think your focus is where it needs to be.

Keep up the courage, Bro. We're here backing you all the way.

Lots of love,

John
 
BC
You're doing so many right things. You are also thinking fairly clearly. Also, being separated and living under the same roof is hard, but better than not seeing them at all. It just means you and your wife have to work really hard at being pleasant with each other so the kids don't suffer the tension. I think your idea of not discussing anything real is a good one. Keep it all about the weather! And then engage your kids as you can. They love you and are going to be confused as well. My heart goes out to you. You have come a long way in afew weeks, guy. Take care of yourself. your kids need the best dad you can be.
Love
Paul
 
BC,
Never understood why life didn't just take a step back and give us a chance to deal with this before it decided to kick us with something else. Doesn't seem fair. Your kids love you, you know...always will. I've talked to you enough and read enough of your poetry to know that you must be a loving dad. Through all my life the one thing I've always wanted the most but never got was unconditional love from my dad. I will go to my grave wanting and needing it. Nothing can replace it. It is a wonderful gift, and only you have it to give to your children, and believe me, they know when they have it, and it will be with them forever. I'm so sorry this is happening to you. I hope you have someone close to talk to and to give support. You always have us. And that gift of unconditional love you're giving.....one of the greatest things about it is that they always give it right back. As much as we can be, we're with you.

Bobby
 
bc --
Separated under the same roof can be a blessing and a curse...trust me, I've been there.

The blessing part is that you do get the daily interaction with your children. You also get some positive interaction with your spouse...although that is a roller-coaster ride. But, the more you are together...the better the chance you can figure malleable solution. Discussions have to be somewhat civilized b/c of the kids...but also because you have to SEE the person you're talking to. It's harder to say hurtful things and make hurtful decisions face-to-face. Or, at least it was that way for us.

The bad parts are that you have to look at this person every day. This person that you love but who doesn't have ANY idea of the hurt you're experiencing...and probably doesn't want to because she has her own issues (as you said). It's also tough when she turns cold.

bc-- I know the fears, the crying, the emotions of possibly losing your children. I went thru all that about 18 months ago. The goal is to work with your wife to determine a way to make the children central in your post marriage relationship. By doing that, she can't deny that they need BOTH of you to thrive. We have a complete 50/50 custody but we also practice a method known as "nesting" which allows the children to stay in a single home while the parents swap living spaces. It has it's challenges but it allows for maximum interaction with the kids.

As the others have said, it is obvious that you are a GREAT dad. No matter what happens, that NEVER changes. You make sure that you stay in their lives however you can. Chaperone field trips...pick-up from school, if possible. Work with your wife to figure a way to share the parental duties so that you are involved and not just there when the courts say you should be.

I know this is a long post and full of "you should's" but I feel very strongly about this subject. Feel free to PM anytime...especially in those moments when you feel sad about losing your kids. Trust me...it doesn't happen! Love them...and they will be with you always!! :)

God Bless...
tx_space
 
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