The Light Under the Door **TRIGGER WARNING, MAYBE**

The Light Under the Door **TRIGGER WARNING, MAYBE**
James_dup1

James_dup1

Registrant
Im not sure where to put this post so I'm going to post it here. If it needs to be put somewhere else please do so.


**********May Trigger**********


I lay in bed and the only thing the lights the room is the light from under the door. I lay there watching the bottom of the door, leasoning for a sound. I hear the floor creak, I see the shawdow grow larger as the person moves closer to the door. I think god not tonight, not now. I plead in my mind "Please God no". I grip the sheets in my hands and pull them tight under me hoping they will form a shield to keep me safe. I can tell by the way there are walking they are trying not to make to much noise so they dont wake anyone up in the house. The door opens and the light from the living room floods my bedroom. I blink trying to get my eye's to adjust to the new light in my room. I blink once and look at the person standing at the door to my room. I see my step father, holding a beer in his hand. I think "OH god he's going to again". I blink a few more times, my eye's clear as they get use to the new light. I see who is standing at my bedroom door. My wife. She says "Dear you ok?" I can see the concern in her eye's. I tell her "Yes" I always say yes. She smiles at me trying to hide the worry in her eye's. I wonder if she is worried for her or for me. I wonder if she knows I see him sometimes when it's her. I wonder if she knows how I long to make him hurt as much as he has made me hurt. I know his dead and I know Im safe from my family. No one in my family knows I've moved to a new state. But at nigth, from the light under the door. My body doesnt know these things. My mind plays tricks on me. My body reacts as if Im 12 and not safe enstead of 35 and in my home safe with my family. She smiles at me once more and says "good luck getting some sleep tonight". then closes the door. Now Im in the blackness, the light from the living room being shut out so fast that I grab my sheets again, scared of what the night will bring. Slowly my eye's adjust to the dark, and all I can see is the light under the door.

Ok I know this may not make much sence but I just had to write it somewhere. Thanks guys
James
 
Hi James,

That time bendy stuff, can be pretty rough. One thing I learned from myself was that time and events can bend right around from then to our reality, now. Yesterday is today is tomorrow. But the good part that is true only, but only, until you can get all the bad stuff out, bit by bit and piece by piece.

When you do get it out, the time lines will start to go right. Try to be nice with yourself, the hurt parts of you are probably just trying to speak to you in a way they can communicate.

You did a good job on getting this out of you and putting it here.

See you,

Sunshine
 
Hi James, in the big sky country!

Aren't those dreams the pits? I don't have them very often now, less than once a month. But they don't seem to be things we can be comfortable with.

When I was in long term treatment, one of my therapists taught me to say some of the very things you say, to ground me to reality. Say how old you are, where you are, tell yourself that you are a strong adult man now and no longer have to fear. "I am a man! , I am no longer a boy. He also told me that it can help to look around the room and see the things in it that you recognise as your room now. Other things were to take my keys and tell myself what each key was for, to go to a place that I had determined as a safe place, mentally that is.

Do you think it would help to have a dim light on in your room. I think it would just scare me, but I think some people find it helpful.

It wouldn't hurt to have a short conversation with your wife, in the lighted room about anything you want to talk about, like what a pathetic team the Milwaukee Brewers are!!! or the weather, or how the kids are doing in school, or how her day at work went etc. Just a short visit to make you feel really safe and still let you fall asleep again soon.

I have a very bright light outside my window--it is a street light in our alley. It is bright even with the shade down. I kind of like that--but sometimes I do have to get our of bed, turn the real bright hallogen light on and talk to myself, look under the bed and in the closet. Then I might lock my door--I don't like to do that but I do.

These things get less and less powerful, but it sure takes time for most of us. You might want to talk about this with your therapist and see if s/he has any suggestions. But you know, that is our mind and our body teaming up to work on us. I think to move us to healing, but it is a real pib!

Bob
 
James:

Not much to add to the good words from Sunshine & Bob, except a similar experience of my own.

I used to remember that, when I was 2-4 years old,
my parents would watch Alfred Hitchcock, and the shadow of his silhouette as the show ended & that eerie music played would reflect off the TV onto the wall in front of my open bedroom door. I remembered being terrified--seemingly too terrified--of this, and winding up in bed with my parents, still terrified. :eek:

It was less than 2 years ago--over 40 years later--that I remembered what I was really remembering, & why I was so justifiably terrified.

The shadow, as the show was ending, was my father
or mother coming to get me to bring me into their bedroom. I was not terrified of what had been on the TV screen or what was beyond the bed. I was terrified of what was in the bed. My parents incested me there.
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James those were my flashbacks and they are my memories. I am sorry bro that for you they are still recurring nightmares. I pray that they will stop and that you will see only your living & loving wife not your dead perp stepfather anymore

As Sunshine says there is great power in just getting your story written down & out here, and getting support from your wolf brothers. Also from
your wife, and your T.

James if you need some bright lights on to help you dispel this darkness, or if you need to check
under the bed or whatever, do it; I've BTDT. Do what you need to do for your recovery. Take care of yourself & take it easy on yourself ok bro?

Victor
 
Guys,
Thanks for your kind words. I know this is something I will get through. I refuse to let that BASTARD of a step father win by keeping me down or quite anymore. I did that from the time I was 6 to 34. And damn it I have a lot to say, I think about that song "Coward of the County". Well my step father is the Gatlen Brother's and Im Tommy. And this is my COUNTY now you good for nothing %$#@*&()%!@#^&&^$#*&^!$!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Thanks again guys.
James
 
James:

Right on bro way to go tell what you know!!!
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GRRRRRROOOWWWWWWLLLLLOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!

Victor
 
James
the nights can be so hard, go to rest with good thoughts.

Dave
 
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