The learning process or the healing process

[MrDon]

Last night, we had a different class where I left feeling somewhat inadequate, anxious about what I was learning and reallying wondering if I was getting anywhere. A classmate and I were talking about this and we both felt the road ahead looked very long. The instructor over heard us when we said, will we ever get there and his reply was you are getting there. He didn't say much more than that but those words meant so much.

But I have began to recount things I am learning, things about myself that I am becoming aware of and the balancing in my life that I am trying to do. Most of this stuff seems like it is twisting and pulling and turning and pushing me in all directions at the same time. At one time learning new things wasn't quite this hard but then I'm not a spring chicken either now. It doesn't mean I can't learn, just that it isn't the same plus what I am doing now is not something that I have ever done in my life. It is completely different.

Ok, back on to the learning stuff.

One of the things that I have struggled with is when someone touches me, I really don't feel it. I can see them touch me, feel them touch me, know they are touching me but the touch isn't completely asorbed by me nor is it really felt by me. That may sound contradictory and hard to understand but I have struggled for my body to really feel the touch that is being given to it. I think the massages that I have been going to have begun to help me on that as I experience more and more what safe and healthy touch is all about. This is so good and freeing for me because my body was taught up until this point in my life that touch hurt, that it meant more hurt and pain to follow and that it meant my views and concepts of the world were turned around. So experiencing it and accepting the touch is beyond words in describing how it feels.

Then I've been doing some Yoga and Tai Chi which is helping me to become more aware of my body and my breathing. It is one of the things that is connecting me to my skin and to myself. My breathing has improved when I know I need to relax and I have been able to focus more during the day when I am surrounded by many things that are not healthy.

The other night in class we did a personal growth excercise where we looked at ourselves deeply and then we shared some of these things within a small group of people. One of the things that I found most helpful was when the others gave us feedback about how they saw us during the evening. We were just to sit there and take it in, not making any responses whatsoever (which is very hard to do for me). But one girl made a comment to me that really smacked me hard up against the wall in a good way. She told me that I have so much talent and yet I try to block that talent. She told me she could see me beginning to use that talent and not to block it in any way. She is absolutely right and it helped to have someone else tell me this, especially someone that doesn't know me very well.

My life is forever changing right now as I continue to go down the path of self discovery. I have always known that I have something special to give other people. I just didn't know what that was and school is helping me to find that out. One classmate told me that she liked to be around me because I have such good energy.... wow.... and here all of my life, I have always put myself down. So it makes me wonder in a way that if I use this energy to move myself forward instead of looking at the negatives I have within, just how far I will go. Kind of a awesome thought isn't it....

But then I got thinking about all of this that I am learning and it correlates to the healing path of survivors in so many ways. When we are in the middle of the crap of our lives, it is hard to see the light at the end of the tunnel. Others can know it is there and tell us, but our eyes do not have the necessary means to see it yet. Others can share their pathways to the tunnel and while we can not share that same path, the knowledge does help propel us forward. Sometimes we don't even think we are moving forward when in fact we really are. There is just so much of this learning process that I am in right now that makes me think back to the days of my strongest struggles. I never thought I would make it, and yet I am at the point I am today. I am looking forward to days when more of this will be a distant memory. I am looking forward to the day when I more fully realize my potential and I use it.

So maybe the awkwardness I felt the other night was just a growing stetch I needed to take. I'm not sure but I do know that time will tell me what I need to know. And if anything through the learning or healing process is a constant for me is that as we move forward, the view behind us changes.

Don

 

[Wuamei]

Don:

I'm glad to hear of the learning & growth in your life thru these classes.

This past Wednesday was unbelievable for me.

After a great therapy session, I went in for massage, this time "skin rolling." She's done this before, but this time I could actually feel it, more vividly & deeper down than ever before. Helps when you're not all numb, and tighter than Ringo Starr's favorite drum! Which is becuz I've been getting more massages.

Then I went back to the chiropractor that works with the same group, whom I've been to before; getting some insurance coverage for it finally. Gave me some good heat & electric treatment, and a gentle workover. Cracked my neck just right, and its looser than its been in years!

Feeling much better, this whole week in fact. Monday was probably the most productive & enjoyable day at work & at home I've had, well, since I can remember!

A lot of it is due to all the good therapy I've been getting. Including the touch therapy of massage and chiropractic.

As a survivor touch was very hard to accept. But since I've been accepting positive therapeutic touch, it's been incredibly affirming & healing.

I'm glad it's doing the same kind of thing for you, Don. Take care.

Wuame

 

[Lloydy]

The instructor over heard us when we said, will we ever get there and his reply was you are getting there. He didn't say much more than that but those words meant so much.

But one girl made a comment to me that really smacked me hard up against the wall in a good way. She told me that I have so much talent and yet I try to block that talent. She told me she could see me beginning to use that talent and not to block it in any way. She is absolutely right and it helped to have someone else tell me this, especially someone that doesn't know me very well.

One classmate told me that she liked to be around me because I have such good energy.... wow.... and here all of my life,

Which of these are you struggling with Don ????

Lloydy

 

[MrDon]

Lloydy
Hmmmmm,,,, struggling.... well, its how I percieve myself.. I don't often see myself as being able to do any of these things when in reality I can.... kind of sounds like a survivor trait doesn't it... I'm trying to reprogram my thinking and align it correctly... hard work though.

Don

 

[MrDon]

Wuame,
We got talking the other night about possibly aligning ourselves with a therapist to help people work through past issues in their lives. And after what you just said here, it is something that interests me all the more. I've struggled through this as well and think it is a very good method of healing not to mention the side effects of wellness, and other health kicks out of it. Not had the skin rolling yet, but I am sure I will get to experience it at some point in my school.

You are right about how you feel after a massage because the healthy touch does so much for our bodies. I get about 3 "sort of" massages a week just going to classes. I'm handling a lot of things in my life much better than I once did and the body work is a great deal of that.

Touch is getting much easier for me and I welcome it more. I didn't think I would ever get to this point, but I am changing. I totally agree with you on the affect of a massage and it is nice to hear about someone else who is using this method of healing. You are an encouragement to me.... and I thank you for it.

I'm also using Yoga to help me learn more balance in my life and to be able to be more aware of myself. I can already see some very positive benefits out of it in the short time I have been doing it.

You know all these "alternative" things are so helpful to survivors. There is a smorgasboard of things we can do to help heal ourselves. Plus these things feel so good... sure it is scary and soemtimes hard to get started, but from my experience it is well worth it.

I have to write a paper for my class and relate it to massage. I'm not exactly sure what I am going to write it about but I want to focus on healing and touch... if I can find enough information out there...

Don

 

[Wuamei]

Don:

You are an encouragement to me as well. Thanks!

I do think aligning with a therapist and even a health care group (the one I go to is for "complimentary healing arts")is a great idea.

The body & the spirit/mind both need care. They are not separate (at least not normally ), so why should those who care for us be scattered all over the place? And often not even working together?

I'm glad you're getting so much out of healing touch, too. I hope other male survivors are giving this a try or will think about it. It may not be for everybody. I thot it wasn't for me. But it is!

You'll do great with that paper Don. Take care.

Wuame

 

[Lloydy]

Don
Yeah, it's a Survivor thing allright - one I have as well.

And it's good to get a boost about anything we do, especially when it's something completely new to us and something we would never have dreamt of a few years ago.

So although I was being a bit jokey with you, it was to reinforce what others see, because we just have a hard time believing they're talking about us .

I came back from my Counsellors class the other night and my wife asked how I got on as usual "ok" I reply, "Did she like your homework ?" was the next question "ok" was my reply,
So my wife told me to show her the homework, she wanted to see what comments were made.
Eventually I gave her the homework and written on the bottom was one word - "Brilliant !"

At 49 yo I still have trouble accepting that people can, and do, offer praise to others and actually mean it.
When I was a kid the only thing I got praise for was being a sex object, and it's a scary thought that we can carry these learned perceptions of ourselves right into adulthood without being able to correct them until we accept the whole picture of our lives.

We just don't see the low self esteem we have of ourselves, we are what we are until proven otherwise.

We can do exactly what we want, to the fullness of our capabilities. There's nothing to stop us but ourselves, and that's a hard habit to break.

Lloydy

 

[MrDon]

Lloydy

You ain't reading my thoughts are you....grin!

What you said is exactly what I am finding in life (just sometimes I am a very slow learner in some of this stuff). One of the things we kept being told in school is that we need to know who we are so we can be more effective in helping others and connecting with them (especially in body work).

You know somedays I feel like I am in intense group therapy three times a week... I'm glad I took this step in my life and it is definately stretching, pulling, twisting and reshaping me (not to mention the massage part of the class too). Seriously, my mind/body/brain/emotions, etc are being manipulated in a big way which I am glad. I needed this.

Lloydy, if it helps, I think I would write "brilliant" on that paper as well (if I could get my hands on it).

Don

 

[Lloydy]

Don
here it is..........

I didn't know whether to post it or what, it might seem a bit vain or whatever. But I think I will.

I post it because it does reflect what we're talking about on this thread.
This was the first Personal log I did when I started the counselling course.
Not having much to write about I wrote my reasons for being there. And I hope it reflects the level of self esteem I have dragged myself to over the last few years.
But our perception of how others see us often lags behind , so we still doubt ourselves.
I doubted myself so much I damn nearly tore it up rather than hand it in, and I dreaded getting it back.
Here it is...

HOPE.

The first question has to be what am I doing here ?

Here I am in a roomful of strangers about to start a counselling course, I dont know them and they dont know me, and that scares me somewhat.
Ive always taken my time to meet and get to know other people, or at least I did, I hope Im different now.
I hope Ive gained the confidence I think I should have, I hope Im doing the right thing. I hope Im in the right place for the right reasons.
Thats an awful lot of hope........

As a boy I learnt things I shouldnt have, and I either forgot or never learnt the important things, the normal things.
I was forty-four before I realised what I hadnt got, what had been taken from me. Im forty-nine now and I want some of it back.

Is it too late to learn again, to entertain new ideas and grasp new visions. More importantly is it to late for me to continue the change into the person I want to be by learning something new ?
I hope not, and I think Im prepared to make that effort now.

Ive come a long way in understanding myself in the last five years or so as Ive made the journey from victim to survivor. During that eventful time Ive seen, lived, the results of good help. I know the value of someone listening, supporting and caring.
I know how it feels to have validation for just being me.
I also know the fear of not being believed, of being judged and ridiculed. I know how desperately hard it is to overcome shame and fear to say to someone I need your help
Nobody deserves those things.

Everyone in trouble or distress needs a friend and confidant, and not everyone is lucky enough to have a loving partner or family, so we turn to people we hope can offer something positive.
With luck we eventually end up in the care of someone who wants to help for the right reasons, someone who cares, and understands our plight.
And if Im going to be the someone that people might turn to for help then I want to offer them that help, but I want to help them properly.

For that I need new skills. Not just the skills of a classroom and textbook but also the skills to search within me to find what the other person wants and needs.
I want the skills to show someone else I care.

I think I know where to find these skills, I certainly hope so.

 

[MrDon]

Lloydy
Thanks for posting that. I could really see myself in all of those things that you wrote and have experienced those same fears going to school. This is something totally new for me (but yet it isn't) and well sometimes old dogs like me don't always learn new tricks too easily. BUt I'm learning.. So far the lowest grade I have gotten on a test is 92%.. well that is until tomorrow's exam that I don't feel prepared for... enough!

Just wanted to say thanks for sharing that.. it helped me a lot. I hope to one day go on and get my Master's degree in counseling, but I will have to wait until it is the right time.

Don