The last of my past

The last of my past
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Registrant
I'm coming to terms with the last part of my abuse. It's the hardest part for me--dealing with what I did.

I've gotten past the shame of what happened to me. I'm resolving the guilt asociated with me letting it happen. I know that what I did was because of what happened to me, but I can't get past the guilt of acting out my abuse with a younger child. I went from being victimized to being a victimizer.

I was 12 when all of this happened. My perp was 12 or 13, I know some of your perps were that age also, and I hope I'm not triggering anything here.

Even though it only happened once, and I know why it happened, I can't shake the shame and guilt of considering myself a perp. I blame my own perp for screwing me up to the point that I would do it to someone else, but he wasn't there(physically) and didn't force me to perform oral sex on someone else. I had blocked out my own abuse and for 28 years couldn't figure out why I did what I did. This is The Last of my past that I must come to terms with.
Am I totally alone here? Can anybody else relate to this?
 
All,

I think the sexual abuse by my brother had stopped. It was a summer day, the weeds in the next door neighbor's yard were well over my head. I was maybe eleven years old. A young girl was walking by the secluded area. My godmother had given me a small maroon colored Boy Scout knife. I grabbed the girl by the arm and pulled the open knife on her. That's it. I had no intention of harming her, but she didn't immediately know that. I had been terrorized by my brothers and by the gangs in the neighborhood. I wanted to be in their shoes. She said, "please sir, don't hurt me." I saw Terror in her eyes. I said, "o.k." I immediately felt guilty, that I had done something wrong. She ran. I prayed for forgiveness. I believe she came back with an adult, but I'm not sure. I believe the adult confronted and reprimanded me, but I'm not sure.

I feel sad and empty writing this. I did what I describe above. I would not have known to do it if someone's "knife" or fist had not been pulled on me.

I'm sorry little girl. I didn't mean to hurt you.
I was angry at the big people hurting me. They wouldn't listen to me when I said "leave me alone." I turned away from them and hurt someone smaller than me. I hurt you. I'm very sorry. Please forgive me.

I've never thought of myself as a perpetrator. This is a very horrible and graphic thing to recall. I am not an otherwise violent person, but I do have to reflect on how my sullen and acitve bursts of anger cause others to hurt.

I'm really sorry. I didn't know what I was doing. The Rage in me wanted out; it came back with Guilt to join the Shame that was already there.

God, I ask, along with my brothers here, to release the Shame, cool the Rage, and though I have Guilt, I ask that I be forgiven the Price. Please show Your Favor and Grace to the Little Girl, and Mercy to me.

"Create in me a clean heart, Oh God, and renew a right spirit within me." (Ps. 51)

I'm really sorry.

James
 
one of the clearest memories i have is of a boy i met in kindergarten. i had no friends at the time, it was so hard to make friends when every time i opened my mouth i wanted to cry. i suppose i disassociated things even way back then. but this kid was nice to me. in first grade, he tried harder to be kind. i guess he saw i had no friends, so he tried to be my friend. he'd talk with me, ask me about the schoolwork and stuff like that. i think he invited me over his house once, but i turned him down.

had managed to keep my friend i secret from my family. my older cousin knew, and at the time, my brothers didn't live with us. we'd kept it for so long, i was bound to slip. somehow my father found out, either thru me, or seeing me with him. anyway, he told me to invite him over, and i didn't even have to think what he meant by it. my father likes variety. so i did as i was told. i had the boy come over, without even telling his parents, and that day my father raped him.

eventually, my father got his parents to allow the kid to come over all the time. they had no clue what was going on, my father is just that approachable. it went on for a few years, and then suddenly, the boy was nowhere to be found. the last i saw of him, he had been raped and beaten, badly, i was almost certain he would die, and then he was gone.

for years his parents looked for him, my father denying, and being believed, that he knew anything about it. two years ago i told the boy's parents the truth, that i think my father at least knows where their son is. the police haven't been able to pin anything on him. and neither his parents nor i even mentioned the abuse.

maybe it's not the same as actually committing the act of victimizing another person, but it sure feels the same. he was my friend, my first friend, i'd almost told him what my life was like before all this happened, not that a 6 year old would understand. there were times i was glad it was him instead of me. to be on the other side, to watch, almost revel in it, i feel so horrible.

jake
 
three different stories, soul destroying and heartbreaking to read, to have lived them is unimaginable to most people.

And I think they have a lot in common, they all illustrate so vividly the way that power, the abuse of power, is the major effector on the victims of abuse.
The sex hurts physically and has many after effects, long lasting and deep. But I think that the way we deal with the power that the abusers hold over us goes deeper.

What we become in later years, and how we view our place in the world around us depends on our influences and role models, with role models such as these is it any wonder we don't understand how "power" within society works.
We haven't learned that power, such as being older or physically stronger, should come with respect, tolerance and love.

It wasn't your fault guys, it never was.

Lloydy
 
with out hesitation I would have made sure that father wished he never existed. That has to be the saddest story, and sickest human I think I have ever heard of. The harm I would cause him is unspeakable in words
 
For those of us who have been so abused to even remember & then to admit that we have abused others ourselves has got to be very difficult & painful.

To confess to having abused others, whether it was technically or legally perpetration or not, is to risk rejection, maybe even in a place like this, where we may feel more accepted than anywhere else. Especially with all the controversy over whether or not survivors who have perpetrated should be allowed in support groups, be treated with other survivors, etc. At least that's how I'd feel...

New, James & Jake, those stories took a lot of courage to share, and I guess some of it has rubbed off on me, so I'll just take the risk & blurt this out...

I doubt if I could count or even remember all the times I have been abusive to others verbally or physically. That was my home life, not an excuse just a fact and part of the picture. I used to get in my share of fights, tho I usually didn't try to start them, and rarely bullied others.

Anyway, I'm gonna narrow this down to being sexually abusive...

I remember a couple of instances of sexually touching younger girls when I was a teen. Also had sex, all consensual, with a few younger girls thru the years even back into earlier childhood. Of course my relationships had often been with girls a little younger than me anyway. Hadn't even remembered the ones I inappropriately touched till now. But I'm grateful to get all of this out, tho its not easy...

Then there's my first wife. Our relationship was based on lots of sex from the start, before & after our brief & disastrous marriage. Tho she always said not, I felt at times that our sex was abusive. I did strike her a couple of times, and that undeniably was abusive (if not sexually so).

To those girls of my childhood/adolescence, and to my first wife, I am truly sorry. For you, and for myself too, that I was doing such things so young, that I ever let the abusiveness I suffered out to touch others.

To you guys, my fellow male survivors, I am making a confession. I'm sorry for what I did but I'm not sorry I'm telling you. It's something I've no doubt needed to tell someone for a long time. I just had to find a place I felt was relatively safe, and admittedly relatively risk-free since its online. Most of all, I place where I could trust. And being at the place where I could trust myself to just let go.

Men, these are things I've told few to none about. Some, not even my T, except in the most general terms. Something to think about. A face to face confession to my T could be therapeutic...

Confession is good for the soul. And telling you has been therapeutic as well, come what may. I don't want to live with anything hanging over me.
In the Bible King David talks about how his sin ate at him & he wasted away, til he confessed it.

And if I'm going to "come out" as a survivor, it's got to be on the basis of open honesty, if I'm to have integrity in so doing. Either way, this is a matter of integrity, of re-integrating, for me. And I am speaking for myself here.

Anyway men thanks for sharing your courage with me!

New--no you're not alone in this. I empathize with you, brother. Your self-awareness & your confession are big steps.

James--your prayers are healing for you & for me, and I love Psalm 51.

Jake--yes it does feel like it and no its not the same as victimizing another person. You did what you were programmed, scared & victimized into doing. Again, it was not your fault!

Now this forum has become a confessional booth. What next? You men are amazing...

Thanks

Wuame
 
James, Jake, Lloydy & Wuame,

You really had to dig deep for this one, and I thank you. I didn't know if I could find any acceptance in telling this. I didn't realize how powerful confession really was.

Being sorry and asking for forgiveness for what I had done was not enough. I had to understand why I did this, and I could not understand without remembering my abuse. Now I can let go.

I'm sorry little boy. Please forgive me.

I know I'm not alone in dealing with The Last of the abuse--what it made us do, and the pain of that--is greater than what was done to us.

I was really scared to start this post. I didn't come back and look at it for a day. But now I know that I'm not alone. Thanks for sharing. Let the healing begin.
Devon
 
Devon:

Thanks for demonstrating one of the most important things being in a survivor group is about: when one person gathers the courage and takes a big step, it helps others have the courage to do so. So the healing begins, and spreads, and multiplies. Thanks again.

Wuame
 
I speak as an outsider to this issue, thankfully I never followed my abusers down this path.

Because that's what it is, it's NOTHING to do with your own wishes. It's what your abusers programed you to do.
It programs us all, we follow in their slime trail.
I'm sure it's just down to circumstances and chance as to what we do, how far we go.

I know nothing of your pain, but your guilt should be placed where it rightly belongs, with your abusers.

Be strong guys.

Lloydy
 
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