the last attack

[delta.tetra]

probably ********triggers*******

So there came this one Saturday night when I was sixteen years and a week or two, and i realised I was old enough to legally live away from my parents address and get a job, so I could risk getting kicked out of the home for ever.

When my dad came to the bathroom door as he did every Saturday night, I had a struggle with him. I told him, STOP and NO and pushed and slapped and slipped. I was dripping wet and naked with one foot behind the door to trap it nearly closed while I slapped and pushed.

S/he, the parental perpetrator, went away that night and never physically sexually assaulted me again.

Oh what a fucking TRIUMPH for the boy! In later years the boy became a man who suddenly remembered he had been abused, and the man remembered that it was HE who stopped the abuse from happening that final time.

So that day went down in the History of His Mind as a day of Triumph over Oppression and such and Joy.

Until some therapist said the words, '... and you all have suffered sexual abuse or attempted sexual abuse...' in a sentence. Earlier in group therapy we had been practicing saying out loud, STOP!, and putting up a hand like a policeman stopping the traffic. We were to be emphatic and committed to getting our way! So I was saying STOP, STOP! and that triggered me into thinking all the time of the struggle with my perpy dad on the bathroom door so many years earlier. I said STOP and got it stopped! Wow! So cool!

Actually, not so cool. How fucked up? This poor teenage boy was fighting with his own father so he wouldn't be sexually abused? He knew for sure that his father was going to abuse him and he fought like he was fighting for his life! But far from a triumphal day for the boy, this is a sordid crime, attempted sexual child abuse. Disgusting. That's it shattered then, that glow. I mean, if it was even just this ONE experience that boy had, that would be bad enough to hurt him real bad. And it was just the last one of hundreds of that sort of attacks from that pervert, my pops. And the only time he didn't get his way.

Better to realise what my experience that day really was: I was the subject of an attempted sexual attack. Instead of thinking I was some fucking Knight in shining armour rescuing myself. Truth sucks sometimes.

 

[roadrunner]

Delta,

My own feeling on this is that you definitely SHOULD be proud of yourself for stopping it that day.

Remember that you were a vulnerable and confused boy being abused by his own father. So much shame, so many questions, so many fears: Will I be thrown out? Who else knows what's happening to me? Is this my fault? And on and on. You were a kid who finally said no and stopped the abuse. That IS a great thing! You were a teenager coming out of the shower. And what emotional resources did you have back then? The courage you showed is remarkable. Most kids can never do that: they just don't have the resources (I certainly didn't), and that's not their fault. It's never a kid's job to have the savvy and strength to protect himself from sexual attack by people who are meant to be protecting and cherishing him.

You're right the attack was disgusting and terrible, but the blame for this goes to the perp, not to you. And if he got his way lots of other times, that also is his fault not yours. It's never the child's fault, and yep, a 16 yo faced by a perpetrating father is most definitely still a child.

You are so right: the truth sucks sometimes, but you nailed it earlier in your post my friend:

So that day went down in the History of His Mind as a day of Triumph over Oppression and such and Joy.

This is the Truth too, same as all the bad stuff. Cling to this one - you deserve it.

Much love,
Larry

 

[Dewey2k]

I don't know if this really relates... but when I was 12, I was given the "opportunity" to go with my perp again. I actually took the chance and did so.

When the moment of truth came, I "chickened out"- I told him no, and I slept on the couch instead of in his bed, so I guess I stopped my abuse too. I still blame myself (and am ashamed) for getting into the situation the second time when I could have not gone with him at all.

 

[roadrunner]

Dewey,

The answer here is in your own post my friend:

I was 12

A 12 yo child traumatized by abuse only two years earlier, and in fact any child for that matter, is not in a position to understand sexuality and make informed decisions. I can imagine so many reasons why you might have done this. One possibility: You thought that if you went with him willingly that would make what happened in the past okay somehow. There's so little logic to all this, but of course what logic is there to abusing children in the first place?

The main point now is that you should not be ashamed of yourself. So many boys "went willingly", and often lots of times. I did it for four years and was still terrified every time. It's only when we neglect the elements of confusion, trauma and emotional dependency and try to replace them with logic that we lose sight of what all this really means for a molested kid.

Much love,
Larry