Clergy Abuse The kid I left behind.

At the age of 14, my math teacher called attention to the school about behaviors I had exhibited. A woman, whom I would guess was from children's services came to talk with me privately. During the interview, I remember thinking, if she knows then how many of my friends know?

I denied everything the woman was asking and while walking back to my class I went into the bathroom and freaked out. I immediately decided that I had to change everything about me so no one will have a clue! It was a choice I felt would save me the humiliation, but it would also shut in and leave behind a kid that was sexually abused forever.

I took on childhood heroes as part of my life and character - Marty Stouffer, Jaques Cousteau, and John Denver. Nature never failed to be my place of escape and recovery after my abuse, these guys who I looked up to might very well bring me guaranteed peace and safety if I could follow their life path. As life went on though, that would fail me, and by 10th grade I was smoking pot before, during, and after school, dropping acid, and drinking heavier than I did when I was 13 years old.

I constantly tried to surround myself with people whom I felt were safe, made me happy, and serve as a distraction from my own reality. Never allowed any of them to know me. It was my way of controlling what I couldn’t control inside.

That boy I once was, was still locked away in a box a million miles away. The men who abused me visited my memories visually and physically for decades. The more they did, the deeper the pain would grow until one day I broke for the last time.

It’s been an arduous journey to save my life for me, and the loved ones that surround me. And here I am, as my therapist just said the other day "You’re a thousand miles from where you were almost 3 years ago."

The healing work I do with such tenacity has brought me to a new phase, and that’s making room for the kid I left behind. I went back to him, I apologized, we talked... And while we’re still working through things, we are now doing it together. No longer is my therapy wholly about the trauma that surfaces in me as an adult, but it is for that kid (Young Scott) and allowing him to walk with me through this life.

It sounds crazy if it wasn’t all true, feeling that younger part of me that was locked away, and this shell of a man that grew up without the other half of his soul - both coming together. This has been the hardest, strangest, and yet most fulfilling part of my healing so far.

Not only am I a father of two great kids, but as of late on occasion I find myself feeling like a kid along with my own kids. Maybe it’s that young Scott coming out, the free and innocent part of my soul coming back to life.

So, this is me thus far, a man with plenty of room inside for that kid to heal and grow and I can’t wait to see where things go from here.
 
I'm glad you've made such great progress.

You make me remember there was a time when I felt like a kid along with my own kids. Somewhere along the way I got lost. I'm working to find my way back.
 
Thanks for sharing! It’s a good read. You’ve worked hard and so deserve. I glad you were able to reconnect with that boy, who so needed that! Wishing you the best on your continued journey!
 

Sawyer49

Registrant
Inspiring, brave and courageous Gistin. Thanks for sharing. I try to still let that boy come out with play or lately been diving into one comic book a week.
Thanks again for sharing.
 

MO-Survivor

Greeter
Staff member
It sounds crazy if it wasn’t all true, feeling that younger part of me that was locked away, and this shell of a man that grew up without the other half of his soul - both coming together. This has been the hardest, strangest, and yet most fulfilling part of my healing so far.

Not only am I a father of two great kids, but as of late on occasion I find myself feeling like a kid along with my own kids. Maybe it’s that young Scott coming out, the free and innocent part of my soul coming back to life.

So, this is me thus far, a man with plenty of room inside for that kid to heal and grow and I can’t wait to see where things go from here.
It’s all about integrating our fragmented self back together - just as you describe. And I 100% concur: this has been the hardest, strangest, and yet most fulfilling part of my healing so far.

I too have found that my younger self comes to life around my own and others’ kids. They are “safe,” full of life and innocence, and know how to play - which is something we lost so long ago.

So you keep going @Gistin . The best is undoubtedly still to come!
 
Thank you for the responses, and pleased this resonated with you as well.

The talk of the inner-child was something I thought was more of a metaphor or a crazy part of therapy that was made up. If you're digging down and trusting the process that inner-child will show up when you least expect it. It is both powerful and empowering, which those two words are mild compared to the impact.
 
Hi Gistin

Thanks for sharing. I was sent to a child psychologist at 11 for acting out in school. I had to go to the school board office and I went into his office. I never said a word and he started to ask me questions about dad doing things to me in my privates. He couldn't have been more wrong about who it was but he knew I had been and possible was still being abused. I never said anything but I did listen. When I left his office I knew that what had been happening to me was wrong it was sexual abuse. I think they all knew I was being abused. I pushed it down as much as I could and I changed myself I started to drink and turn to being a violent person. I was a right fighter and would jump in when ever someone was getting bullied. I was known to be someone that would stick up for others. I also when I left his office wondered how many people knew what was going on, I was sure all my teachers knew. With in 4 year I was not allowed on the school grounds anymore. I turned into someone even I did not recognize with the help of addictions to hard drugs by the time I was 15 or close to16 I was a mess, sent to jail. That stopped the drug abuse as I was never going to get sent to Jail again.

The thing that was hardest was not knowing how many really knew. I was getting bullied before I was sent to the Psychologist. that all changed I became and angry violent I became the bully to the bullies, I was not able to stop the abuse it got worse for my teenage years and then it all ended after I was raped at 22 and when I woke to what was happening to me I beat the crap out of this guy he was the skipper of a fish boat I had hired on to. I always before that thought I had a sign on me telling the perpetrators I was available.

So I really think it shows when you have been sexually, mentally or physically abused as a child or and adult.
 

MO-Survivor

Greeter
Staff member
Thank you for the responses, and pleased this resonated with you as well.

The talk of the inner-child was something I thought was more of a metaphor or a crazy part of therapy that was made up. If you're digging down and trusting the process that inner-child will show up when you least expect it. It is both powerful and empowering, which those two words are mild compared to the impact.
@Gistin Me too! It was very difficult for me to "grasp" the reality of the concept. I think one of the things that really helped was looking through old scrapbooks with my therapist. That preceded me having a (one-sided) conversation with my younger self. And then, subsequently, it facilitated a breakthrough that was still a pretty on-sided conversation: me feeling what my younger self felt and hearing in my head what he was saying, and me as my older self responding.

So to anyone who reads this thread, or reads other threads where guys talk about conversing with their younger selves - in conversation, in writing, etc. - I know it can sound weird and pop-psychology-ish. And as grown men, we probably think it sounds silly. But... the kid you were was real, he was "frozen" in time deep inside you and not allowed to grow up. So he exists in you - not as a multiple personality or anything - but more like "fragments" of who you were back then. The breakthrough and subsequent conversation felt like that - fragments, in the form of strong feelings - that flooded past the wall I had built up so many years ago.
 
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