The journey begins
One seed can grow a forest. I've been walking on earth for more then 20 years with my seed of hope in my pocket, too afraid to plant it, too afraid to water and nurture it, too afraid to see the unknown grow in front of me.
I see my self as The By-Product Of Child Sexual Abuse. A child that grew up and learned not to trust people, a child that learned that feelings and emotions are dangerous, a child that had to run and numb to cope with life as a result of the sexual abuse. It amazes me that society is well aware of the impact that sexual abuse has on a child, but they are very quick to forget that these children grow up to be adults. Adults that still carry the weight of the abuse as well as the coping and safety mechanism that they, as individuals, developed and fined tuned as they grew up.
The results of the abuse has wreak havoc in all stages of my life, from child to adult. For me, it wasn't the physical trauma that did the damage, but the long term psychological trauma that has had the most disastrous impact in my life. As a child the weight of the shame, guilt, embarrassment, and regrets, on my shoulders proved to be to heavy for me to carry around. Carrying around this weight on my own, with no help and no real way for me to have the trust to ask for help, ate me up inside everyday. So much so, that at 11 years old, I tried to commit suicide by overdosing on aspirin. The feeling of hopelessness and helplessness in escaping the life of abuse had ultimately drove me to such extremes. It was a failed attempt and I never attempted another. I used; drugs, alcohol, compulsive behaviors, and over the years, manufactured a fake persona that helped me not only cope with feelings and thoughts, but hide the real me... the by-product.
The life of running way from feelings and emotions since a child has been the only life I've known, running away from the reality of the truth. Coping and numbing from the shame, guilt, regrets, feelings, and emotions has been the only way I knew how to manage low self worth and hopelessness that would eventually lead to suicidal thoughts. The fake persona helped me keep people away from me, keep them at a distance so they couldn't get through the reinforced walls I built to keep me safe. After a life of living this way you learn that its not only comfortable, but safe as well. The reality is that this way of living is extremely corrosive and deteriorates you emotionally, mentally and spiritually. As I begin to make sense of this, I ask my self how do I tell people the truth about me, that the person they know is a fraud. How do I tell my wife that after 10 years of partnership, I still don't trust her. How do I tell my son that the reason that I cant hug him, kiss him, and tell him I love him is because it triggers memories of the way I was groomed and allowed me to TRUST. The truth is I cant tell them, I don't have the courage, I cant find the strength to do so. Just like I wasn't able to step up to my uncle and stop the abuse, like my brother did. And as a result, my brothers abused stopped and my nightmare still continued.
But there's a point in ones life when you realize you have to throw away that old, smelly, dirty and torn up comfort blanket, and that time has come for me. Its been a long time coming for this change, and I'm planting my seed of hope. I've started with swapping drugs and alcohol, for a pen and paper. I now write my thoughts and feelings instead of running away and numbing them out. I'm starting to open up and share my story, and entertain the idea of starting to gain trust in people. Most importantly, after 7 years of being a father... let me re-phrase that... After 7 years of being a parent, I'm finally starting to learn how to be a father.
As I start to bulldoze my old life and start to rebuild a new life on old foundation, I know that the process will not be perfect. I still struggle with suicidal thoughts (now more then ever) and isolation is starting to become an issue. But I feel confident that I will work through these feelings, thoughts and behaviors. I'd like to share a quote from the book Victims No Longer by Mike Lew, to end my rant. This paragraph stuck with me the moment I read it, but I never knew how to embrace it, until now.
But the survivor deserves neither criticism nor blame. That bravely struggling child manage to figure out a way to make it through, and for that he is eminently deserving of complete admiration. He negotiated a sea of insanity despite lack of adequate training- and with an undependable compass. His limited strategies moved him through his abusive childhood to a point where, as an adult survivor he can begin, however fearfully and timidly, to entertain the possibility of change. This is the beginning to his process of recovery. The child as a survivor must be celebrated by the adult he has become. I trust that through this understanding, you will (as I have) come to respect the creativity and innate goodness of all survivors- including yourself.
The ship that I navigated through rough seas has reached land. And as I timorously step off the ship and leave the misconstructed and distorted coping mechanism behind, I can begin the journey of recovery and rebuilding. It won't be a quick or easy journey, but for the first time I found the thing that can turn me from a survivor to a thriver... HOPE.
Thank you for listening, and i hope this can spark a tinder of hope that leads to a new beginning.
I see my self as The By-Product Of Child Sexual Abuse. A child that grew up and learned not to trust people, a child that learned that feelings and emotions are dangerous, a child that had to run and numb to cope with life as a result of the sexual abuse. It amazes me that society is well aware of the impact that sexual abuse has on a child, but they are very quick to forget that these children grow up to be adults. Adults that still carry the weight of the abuse as well as the coping and safety mechanism that they, as individuals, developed and fined tuned as they grew up.
The results of the abuse has wreak havoc in all stages of my life, from child to adult. For me, it wasn't the physical trauma that did the damage, but the long term psychological trauma that has had the most disastrous impact in my life. As a child the weight of the shame, guilt, embarrassment, and regrets, on my shoulders proved to be to heavy for me to carry around. Carrying around this weight on my own, with no help and no real way for me to have the trust to ask for help, ate me up inside everyday. So much so, that at 11 years old, I tried to commit suicide by overdosing on aspirin. The feeling of hopelessness and helplessness in escaping the life of abuse had ultimately drove me to such extremes. It was a failed attempt and I never attempted another. I used; drugs, alcohol, compulsive behaviors, and over the years, manufactured a fake persona that helped me not only cope with feelings and thoughts, but hide the real me... the by-product.
The life of running way from feelings and emotions since a child has been the only life I've known, running away from the reality of the truth. Coping and numbing from the shame, guilt, regrets, feelings, and emotions has been the only way I knew how to manage low self worth and hopelessness that would eventually lead to suicidal thoughts. The fake persona helped me keep people away from me, keep them at a distance so they couldn't get through the reinforced walls I built to keep me safe. After a life of living this way you learn that its not only comfortable, but safe as well. The reality is that this way of living is extremely corrosive and deteriorates you emotionally, mentally and spiritually. As I begin to make sense of this, I ask my self how do I tell people the truth about me, that the person they know is a fraud. How do I tell my wife that after 10 years of partnership, I still don't trust her. How do I tell my son that the reason that I cant hug him, kiss him, and tell him I love him is because it triggers memories of the way I was groomed and allowed me to TRUST. The truth is I cant tell them, I don't have the courage, I cant find the strength to do so. Just like I wasn't able to step up to my uncle and stop the abuse, like my brother did. And as a result, my brothers abused stopped and my nightmare still continued.
But there's a point in ones life when you realize you have to throw away that old, smelly, dirty and torn up comfort blanket, and that time has come for me. Its been a long time coming for this change, and I'm planting my seed of hope. I've started with swapping drugs and alcohol, for a pen and paper. I now write my thoughts and feelings instead of running away and numbing them out. I'm starting to open up and share my story, and entertain the idea of starting to gain trust in people. Most importantly, after 7 years of being a father... let me re-phrase that... After 7 years of being a parent, I'm finally starting to learn how to be a father.
As I start to bulldoze my old life and start to rebuild a new life on old foundation, I know that the process will not be perfect. I still struggle with suicidal thoughts (now more then ever) and isolation is starting to become an issue. But I feel confident that I will work through these feelings, thoughts and behaviors. I'd like to share a quote from the book Victims No Longer by Mike Lew, to end my rant. This paragraph stuck with me the moment I read it, but I never knew how to embrace it, until now.
But the survivor deserves neither criticism nor blame. That bravely struggling child manage to figure out a way to make it through, and for that he is eminently deserving of complete admiration. He negotiated a sea of insanity despite lack of adequate training- and with an undependable compass. His limited strategies moved him through his abusive childhood to a point where, as an adult survivor he can begin, however fearfully and timidly, to entertain the possibility of change. This is the beginning to his process of recovery. The child as a survivor must be celebrated by the adult he has become. I trust that through this understanding, you will (as I have) come to respect the creativity and innate goodness of all survivors- including yourself.
The ship that I navigated through rough seas has reached land. And as I timorously step off the ship and leave the misconstructed and distorted coping mechanism behind, I can begin the journey of recovery and rebuilding. It won't be a quick or easy journey, but for the first time I found the thing that can turn me from a survivor to a thriver... HOPE.
Thank you for listening, and i hope this can spark a tinder of hope that leads to a new beginning.
Last edited by a moderator:
