the inner voice...
i shared this with a friend, but it felt too powerful to keep to myself. i felt i needed to share it.
That inner voice, soul, conscience, whatever we choose to label it is part of us. You have yours and I have mine. Mine is as dark as ever, but I have challenged it. I have gone back in my memories to the times when that voice was being formed. I saw the innocence and sincerity it labeled sickness and perversion. I tasted the rapture and thrill it thought was a defective gene. I have dissected that voice, and found it doesnt see things very well. It fills in gaps, and makes judgments and assumptions to make up for what it doesnt understand. That voice is an adult now, looking in, making things up where it has to. You cant trust it, but you cannot deny it either. It is powerful, because it is you speaking to yourself, and you wouldnt lie to yourself would you?
My experience isnt as powerful as that voice because it is my experience, and not you own. I wish I had the words to capture how you were before, when you were nave and innocent. I wish I could make you understand how that voice took things as they happened and turned them all around. I wish I could let you see for one moment what it was like as a kid, how you wanted to please others, how you wanted things to fit and make sense when you didnt understand. I wish you could see how that voice had to fill in the blanks to make your world make sense. It had no choice. It had to do something to cope, and it lied to make it all fit. You changed into what it said so that you could be freed of conflict, but that inner goodness never left. You tried to prove that voice right. you were driven to it really. It had to be right, because you couldnt lie to yourself.
The chasm between the two sides is like heaven and earth. While you are here, you hear of the other, but it isnt real. You have to cross over to the other side to fully understand. Living with what we are is much like that. I tell you of the other side, and you get bits and pieces, but you can never really understand, because you havent crossed over yet.
Crossing over is like being reborn. You see the past in a new way, a new light. Suddenly you see the truths that the voice was hiding from you. you see just how innocent and loving you were, and how life could have been. You understand that the innocent inner child is still there. he hasnt changed, and you havent changed. The loving compassionate person was there all along. You simply lost him.
He sets you free. He is the one that has the keys. He is the one that sees your true value, and realizes how fantastic life is. That forgotten, lost soul, repressed and battered rises, and your world reforms. You no longer carry the guilt and shame of your abuser. That belongs to him, and you leave it for him to own. You are innocent and fresh, alive like never before.
Sure the dark side is still with you. it is part of you, but it looses power to the light, the light of your inner goodness, your inner kindness and compassion. Love replaces hate, and patience replaces rush and worry. The roles reverse, and joy becomes the dominant force. Evil never goes away, but it is quieted and soothed, overpowered by the light that fills you. only then can you see that it was always there. it was with you as a child, it was there when you were suffering, waiting and hoping you would find a way to set it free. Recovery is learning to set it free.
That inner voice, soul, conscience, whatever we choose to label it is part of us. You have yours and I have mine. Mine is as dark as ever, but I have challenged it. I have gone back in my memories to the times when that voice was being formed. I saw the innocence and sincerity it labeled sickness and perversion. I tasted the rapture and thrill it thought was a defective gene. I have dissected that voice, and found it doesnt see things very well. It fills in gaps, and makes judgments and assumptions to make up for what it doesnt understand. That voice is an adult now, looking in, making things up where it has to. You cant trust it, but you cannot deny it either. It is powerful, because it is you speaking to yourself, and you wouldnt lie to yourself would you?
My experience isnt as powerful as that voice because it is my experience, and not you own. I wish I had the words to capture how you were before, when you were nave and innocent. I wish I could make you understand how that voice took things as they happened and turned them all around. I wish I could let you see for one moment what it was like as a kid, how you wanted to please others, how you wanted things to fit and make sense when you didnt understand. I wish you could see how that voice had to fill in the blanks to make your world make sense. It had no choice. It had to do something to cope, and it lied to make it all fit. You changed into what it said so that you could be freed of conflict, but that inner goodness never left. You tried to prove that voice right. you were driven to it really. It had to be right, because you couldnt lie to yourself.
The chasm between the two sides is like heaven and earth. While you are here, you hear of the other, but it isnt real. You have to cross over to the other side to fully understand. Living with what we are is much like that. I tell you of the other side, and you get bits and pieces, but you can never really understand, because you havent crossed over yet.
Crossing over is like being reborn. You see the past in a new way, a new light. Suddenly you see the truths that the voice was hiding from you. you see just how innocent and loving you were, and how life could have been. You understand that the innocent inner child is still there. he hasnt changed, and you havent changed. The loving compassionate person was there all along. You simply lost him.
He sets you free. He is the one that has the keys. He is the one that sees your true value, and realizes how fantastic life is. That forgotten, lost soul, repressed and battered rises, and your world reforms. You no longer carry the guilt and shame of your abuser. That belongs to him, and you leave it for him to own. You are innocent and fresh, alive like never before.
Sure the dark side is still with you. it is part of you, but it looses power to the light, the light of your inner goodness, your inner kindness and compassion. Love replaces hate, and patience replaces rush and worry. The roles reverse, and joy becomes the dominant force. Evil never goes away, but it is quieted and soothed, overpowered by the light that fills you. only then can you see that it was always there. it was with you as a child, it was there when you were suffering, waiting and hoping you would find a way to set it free. Recovery is learning to set it free.