the inner child

[Raphael]

I don't know exactly where to start... It's been a few weeks, I guess, since I last posted here. I was coming here all the time and started feeling that perhaps I was getting addicted to MS. Of course it is better to be addicted to MS than to be addicted to porn but somehow I felt i needed a break. I was also tired of dealing with the effects of the SA. I was literally physically tired. I continued with therapy once a week but, other than that, I tried not to think too much about the SA.

Then, two weeks ago, my T suggested that it was about time for me to contact my "inner child". That felt really funny to me and I didn't know how to do that. I remembered that I had read some posts here about that and about some of you guys taking your "little one" on a walk, playing with him, etc. (I have to say that the first time I read those things I thought people were talking about something else when they referred to their "little one" The good thing about MS is that we don't loose our sense of humour here - even when surrounded by pain) Anyway, going back to recovery, I thought of coming here and asking for help regarding how I could get in touch with my inner child.

So I came here tonight and was reading some posts and actually found a couple of posts with suggestions for this type of exercise. (I think posted by Rustam, and another one quoting him) I will try them, hopefully before my next therapy session. But I must say that I am pretty scared of meeting my inner child.

I was talking to my T that I wanted to erase my past, get rid of all my memories related to the SA and also to all the effects I carry with me today; I feel it is a negative part of me, a shameful part of me, a dirty part of me, and I want to get rid of it. My T then said (not in as few words as I am about to write) that I need to learn to integrate that part of my with the rest of myself, I need to accept who I am as a whole, with all that has happend to me. It was then that she suggested I approach my inner child. She said it is this child that is feeling abandoned and negleted and sometimes tries to call my attention and pushes me to porn addiction, for example. I need to invite this child in and of course give him some boundaries, give him some rules and discipline, but also love him and accept him and take good care of him.

I am afraid of this child. I am afraid he might be agressive, like a boy raised in a jungle. Perhaps I am also ashamed of him, or I a ashamed of myself for what I let happen to him.

Oh, God! How difficult this is! My friends, so much has happened in my life during these weeks that I was away. I wish I could have time to write it all here. And that you would have time to read it...

I am about to leave my job, (not now but in afew months) and I am feeling guilty because I kind of asked to leave, when I perhaps did not really want to leave. But I feel I am not good enough for the job so I thought it was not fair to be here. I am afraid I am throwing away something good, but then I don't know. Maybe it is time that I leave. I then put it all in God's hands and ask him to show me the way. But thought keep coming to my head that... I'll stop. It's the old same complaint. insecurity. fear. self-doubt.

I guess it was Jon who wrote recently that he wishes he could go back to how he was before. I have been thinking along similar lines... I used to be so happy.... Why do I now have to be always sad? Everyone else seems to be happy and having a good time (I know it is not true). I am usually okay too as as I go about my day-to-day life but then when I have a moment to stop and think about it, I know that deep inside I am not happy. And it bothers me. But then I thought: well, before I was happy because I was not aware of what was really going on in my life. I was numb - and happy. Now I see where I really am at, and I am not always happy because I don't like some of the things I see (or remember). But then I hope that once I am able to process all of this new thoughts/emotions/feelings/fears, then I will be a new me, a happier me, and this time more authentically happy.

*sigh* Sorry for the long post. But thank you for being there for me. I have been praying for all of you.

Raphael

 

[Aden]

My inner child is my greatest source of strength. He has guided me thru trauma and turmoil and pleaded my case unto heaven. All that is good in me has come to me by his tender care. In all of the hurt and sorrow that I have suffered, he has stood with me and embraced my heart with his loving concern. He is my path way to love and forgiveness. His innocense keeps me alive in the depth of my despair.

I do not need to protect him. He is the one who has protected me for all of these years of trouble and trial. He will not go away, run away, or hide, because he is a better man than any of us will ever be. He is a pure and innocent child who loves me.

When I pray, when I pray my deepest prayer, it is his voice that calls up to the heavens. He intercedes between me and God. Not once or twice, but always. He is not a fantasy. He is a real, living creature that dwells within our souls. He is me at my very best, before I knew this life. And he stands at the gates of heaven holding my place in line.

Aden

 

[Ivanhoe]

Raphael, Aden,

That's what I love about MS and the forums here.
You find someone who is about to make a wonderful discovery and the next post of one who has made that discovery and is enjoying the fruits of this new relationship.
I'm thinking that you may get several responders who will tell you of their inner children.
I just wanted to add, that mine has been pretty timid about coming out to me, wondering if it were, "over, yet."
My little guy got really buried in fear and loathing; it started when he was really young...my therapist has suggested, in his infancy. That was hard to hear, because of course, that would have involved my mother.
But now, with these writing exercises of writing back and forth, between this little guy and I, we're getting to know each other and I'm liking it. And, you know what? I think that he is enjoying it, too. I think that he's going to help me with the artist, inside.

Strength and Courage,

David

 

[Curtis St. John]

Hey guys,

Call me lazy (lazy) but I wrote about getting in touch with the my little me in my survivor story update and rather than type it out again I'm gonna quote myself

*Ah-hem*

...If I did nothing else that weekend I would have been on cloud nine, but there was still a letter to write to myself the next day. I chose to write from the little me to the big me, the key for me was using my non-dominant hand (Thank you Dale!) and naturally by the end of that exorcise I was crying from happiness because I finally got in touch with the little me! I visualized a bridge leading back over the bad years where that bad man couldnt reach me, in my visualization, I found the little me sitting there on the other side waiting patiently and perfectly in tact. He said, There you are! Ive been waiting for you! We got reacquainted, became fast friends again, and very quickly over the next few weeks became the one person we were supposed to be all along, not the two people broken apart when I was little.

What a weekend! If you have the means, get to one of those retreats; I cant say enough for them.

If you want to read the whole story click my quote below, but you should eat first because its long...then again maybe you shouldn't...

anyway, I continued that work when I got home with Big Me, Little Me Journals.

I don't know if that helps or not, but I do know that getting in touch with that little guy, and understanding that he is not angry with you is important.

It was not his fault, or your fault you guys...

Take care,

 

[Bobby]

Raphael, I know my inner child very well. I know who he is and how he thinks and how very injured he still is. I also know what a wonderful little boy he is. It is so sad that he didn't have a chance to be who he was intended to be. No, I take that back. I'm not sure the world could have taken who he was meant to be. The kid was on his way, before his father got hold of him and told him what was what. you know Jack on "Will and Grace"? I would have made him seem tranquil, sedate, profoundly depressed. Carmen Miranda comes to mind....Robin Williams on a hyper day.
And then he was turned into this very timid, very sad little boy...who tried to eat the world and was just barely stopped on the outskirts of Pittsburgh.

I love that kid. He's so kind and so sensitive and so much fun. He can laugh for hours when the world's not getting him down. I long to pick him up and swing him around just to hear him giggle and shout, "Do it again." And the kid sure knows me. Sometimes I see him looking at me, and he looks right through my eyes and into my soul. And he calms me there, because he knows exactly where the pain is and why I cry sometimes at night. And he doesn't judge, and he says, "Come on, I was there...I know. It still hurts me, too." And I reach out for him, to hold him...but I can't yet. I can't get to him,and I know I'm the big guy and I have to be the one to wade over there and pick him up and hold him high above the water and bring him back to where I am. And I will, only I can't right now. He looks so lonely. But not too sad. He's waited oh, so long. A few more days won't make a lot of difference. He'll be patient. And we're getting to know each other, little by little...while we wait.

I have a letter from him on my dresser, written several months ago at a recovery week-end. I can't remember what he said. I'm not afraid to read it exactly, but, well, I guess I am. I'm afraid that I'll cry as hard when I read it as he did when he wrote it. So it will sit just a little while longer.

Some day, I'll get there. I turned into a pretty sedate old man when he stayed behind. We'll be together soon to make up for lost time. And when we do, well, Carmen Miranda and Robin Williams just better watch their steps, that's all.

Keep looking Raphael. He's there and a big part of you is there with him. He's waiting to give it back to you. I think you'll be glad the two of you are whole again. You won't be sorry. You'll be great friends.