the holiday

I spent some time with my kids yesterday and it was great. I wasn't much of a dad to them because of all of my problems, but I want to get back to them now. we went swimming at a local beach and then went to fireworks. they should have a dad and I'm gonna do my best to be there for them. their teenagers, should I ever tell them about the abuse?

I told my wife Kimmie about this page. I put her thru hell during my worse times. I wish she would let me try to make it up to her. Kimmie, if your reading this, I am so sorry for what I did to you. you didn't deserve it, and I would undo all of it if I could. pelase read some of this page to see what some of the others are going thru. I am sorry that it took me so long to get my head together, but I was so selfish and just caught up in my own problems. you tried to support me and you gave me friendship and you stood by me til it got to be to much for you because of what i did. I don't blame you for leaving and I don't intend to harass you, but I wanted to say again that I;m sorry. if I could do it all over again I would at least cherish you and make sure i didn't chase you away because you were the best thing in my life.

big bear,

I am so glad that you are finding your way back to being a dad! I find so much comfort in my own children and I am sure that your kids are glad to be with you.

My wife and I are both survivors, which makes for some interesting conversations I can assure you. In any case, we have always stressed to our kids that if someone is doing something that makes them feel uncomfortable or that they think is wrong, they can come to us and tell us. My daughter is turning 8 in a week and when we told them this she had lots of questions. Things like, "Has anyone ever done something like that to you?" My answer was, Yes, and the sad part of that was that I did not feel like I could tell my mom or dad what was happening. She asked me if I was still sad sometimes about these things that happened that I was not able to tell about and I told her yes. She asked what these things were and I told her that one day, when she was older, I would tell her. I think that when I do tell her, I will have to be very careful about how I present it but I also think that it will make her feel a lot more open to talking to us about things that are going on in her life.

I think that if you want to tell your children, then you should. It will help them to understand you much better and that would be a definite plus for your relationship with them.

Sorry for rambling.



[ 07-05-2001: Message edited by: Jim ]

Thanks for the support. I'll have to reread this a couple of times and think about it.

Thanks for the responses. I read them over and over. I'm not ready to tell my kids yet. I want to be a dad again. I'll tell them someday but not yet. I want to be a dad first.I don't want them to think of me as a victim first.

Brian B14

Big Bear,

I'm not a parent, but I would agree with you. I think its important for a child to look up to you as a "dad" and not see a "victim". They may be too young to understand that because of your victimization, that you are stronger than most dads in a lot of ways. Good Luck and trust your instincts.



Big Bear,

With my kids i try real hard to stay in touch with one of the best gifts i can give them is to not pass on any of the unhealthy parts of what happened to me, and at thier current age that means for the most part me getting myself in a good mood when i am with them, i dont want them to see me all depressed and icky feeling, i dont think they need that at all. raising kids is a big job, under the best of circumstances.

I think someday it will be appropriate to tell them some of what i have been through, my 13 year old daughter knows some of it, keeping the conversation age appropriate is important to me.

I think re-connecting with your kids will be good for all of you, i like that idea.


Just Call me J

Big Bear and Urso,

I work with abused kids for a living, though I'm NOT a parent (yet). But I've gotten to see the effects of bad parenting.

My mom was sexually abused as a child (and did a damn good job of raising me, I think). I didn't find out about it until we were preparing to go to the abuser's funeral, when I was in high school. Much like your son, Urso, I had put a few pieces together, and asked if he had done something to her.

She told me that he "liked to touch little girls." Over the next couple years, I learned more about the OTHER victims in my family (grandma and great aunt, possibly more, but no one else has come forward).

Anyway, my whole point is that it sounds like you're both approaching it the right way. I have to second Urso, in saying that if you're only speaking to them for YOU, then bite your tongue; no point in burdoning your kids with YOUR issues. Let them be kids, without adult worries. The point of parenting is to teach and guide your kids through life so that they can take care of themselves (as if I had to tell you that).

Anyway, bravo Big Bear and Urso! Good luck! Your kids are lucky to have you in their lives!