The Guilt is the Worst

SleepyMonkey

Registrant
The more I read these stories, the more I’m realizing that it’s pretty normal for the abused to feel great amounts of guilt from their past.

I feel guilt because I enjoyed the abuse. It was great and I thought I was special that I was “getting some” so young.

I feel guilt because I literally initiated the abuse when my sister (one of my abusers) would come home from college. I wonder if it would have even continued as long as it did if it wasn’t for me basically begging for it.

I feel guilt that even before I could legally drive a car I would be obsessed with finding quiet places in the woods or in public restrooms or other risky places to masturbate and daydream about past abuse.

I feel guilt that I become aroused even thinking about my abuse. I still have fantasies about being 8 years old and being “played with” by my aunt.

I feel guilt because I’ve broken my vows to my wife and met other guys in random places for mutual masturbation or oral. I’m not even attracted to other men.

This is what torments me.
 

ODAT

Registrant
The more I read these stories, the more I’m realizing that it’s pretty normal for the abused to feel great amounts of guilt from their past.

I feel guilt because I enjoyed the abuse. It was great and I thought I was special that I was “getting some” so young.

I feel guilt because I literally initiated the abuse when my sister (one of my abusers) would come home from college. I wonder if it would have even continued as long as it did if it wasn’t for me basically begging for it.

I feel guilt that even before I could legally drive a car I would be obsessed with finding quiet places in the woods or in public restrooms or other risky places to masturbate and daydream about past abuse.

I feel guilt that I become aroused even thinking about my abuse. I still have fantasies about being 8 years old and being “played with” by my aunt.

I feel guilt because I’ve broken my vows to my wife and met other guys in random places for mutual masturbation or oral. I’m not even attracted to other men.

This is what torments me.

We were imprinted by the abuse and re-create it. I was 8 and giving oral sex to a 14 year old boy. I did not even remember this abuse but in my 20-40’s started giving oral sex to older married men. My erotic template was set by the abuse at 8. I am not bi or gay but my template was set and I was imprinted. I’d say you were too.
I have strong urges now (20 years later) to do it again but if I do, my marriage will be over. MS and a therapist are helping but it’s a long process. You will find some great help here so welcome!
 

longtimeago

Registrant
Try not to be so hard on yourself. Be kind. What is so wrong with mutual masturbation?
You did not make this happen.
 

newAJ22

Registrant
You are not alone, a lot of us struggle with the same things. The guilt really falls on your abusers and not you. Remember that if it wasn't for them you wouldn't have been sexual so young.
The problem for us as males is our bodies learn the physical pleasure of it and we struggle with how to control that urge especially when we are younger. I was 12 when my abuse ended and by that point I would also initiate it. It was an internal struggle between what I mentally knew was wrong but physically wanted. It took me a long time to work through that.
 
Our immature child minds are overwhelmed by the stimulation & new endorphin rush, like with a drug a lot of times we get hooked. Children can't begin to comprehend all that the sex means, the consequences of it, the patterns it will set up in their young minds, how it might change them, etc. Combine this with some boys higher testosterone base and you end up a highly sexualized kid like I was.

I was abused from 8-12, I hated the abuse and the uncle doing it and would try to avoid him until I hit 11, when puberty started, then it was me who went there looking for it, seeking him out, I became his accomplice. At 11 on I also started acting out with other boys my age too, then later men. Like you, I found the *false* guilt about my actions from 11 on the hardest to take because I seemingly went back on my own free will for it, and even involved other boys in my mess. Using my/our adult reasoning we become our own prosecutors of the once innocent & hurting boys that we were, we become our own whipping boys. I heard the "it wasn't your fault" but it didn't sink in till I met my nephew for the first time when he was 11, the same age that I was when I hit puberty and got hooked on the sex as I got highly sexualized. He was so innocent & naive, that's when it sunk in that, that's how I should've been too, should've been allowed to be... that it wasn't my fault!

Yeah, I too was consumed with sex, either I was acting out doing it or fantasizing about it. I risked a lot, my health & my marriage too.

Unfortunately the arousal surrounding old memories or innocuous touch is a thing for us, at least until we start to dig down to the tangled connections, understand how they came to be and then pull them a part. This is one of those things where it's a normal response to our abnormal childhoods.
 
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ODAT

Registrant
Our immature child minds are overwhelmed by the stimulation & new endorphin rush, like with a drug a lot of times we get hooked. Children can't begin to comprehend all the that the sex means, the consequences of it, the patterns it will set up in their young minds, how it might change them, etc. Combine this with some boys higher testosterone base and you end up a highly sexualized kid like I was.

I was abused from 8-12, I hated the abuse and the uncle doing it and would try to avoid him until I hit 11, when puberty started, then it was me who went there looking for it, seeking him out, I became his accomplice. At 11 on I also started acting out with other boys my age too, then later men. Like you, I found the *false* guilt about my actions from 11 on the hardest to take because I seemingly went back on my own free will for it, and even involved other boys in my mess. Using my/our adult reasoning we become our own prosecutors of the once innocent & hurting boys that we were, we become out own whipping boys. I heard the "it wasn't your fault" but it didn't sink in till I met my nephew for the first time when he was 11, the same age that I was when I hit puberty and got hooked on the sex as I got highly sexualized. He was so innocent & naive, that's when it sunk in that, that's how I should've been too, should've been allowed to be... that it wasn't my fault!

Yeah, I too was consumed with sex, either I was acting out doing it or fantasizing about it. I risked a lot, my health & my marriage too.

Unfortunately the arousal surrounding old memories or innocuous touch is a thing for us, at least until we start to dig down to the tangled connections, understand how they came to be and then pull them a part. This is one of those things where it's a normal response to our abnormal childhoods.

George-so well said, thank you. I hope to
get to a good place too by continually working this program. I’m doing well so far but still can feel the pull and urges from time to time…
 

KMCINVA

Staff member
The imprint of the sexual part of our abuse causes us to be confused about the abuse and sex--did I enjoy it?, why did my body reaction with erection? why did the abuser make ask for forgiveness for making him have sex with?, was it my fault, did I want it? These nagging thoughts created guilt and shame. During the rape and sex I always felt as I was watching the boy from above. I learned this was depersonalization the beginning of my dissociation episodes. I learned subconsciously I wanted to relive the abuse and it has been said when I went into dissociative fugues I may have sought to fill the needs I thought I watched as a child, but actually lived for as I was that child. Maybe I am fortunate because in fugues I have no memory of what occurred during those times and then not knowing makes me wonder what I did or thought I needed or how I felt.

The child's mind is not developed to understand sex and with words and actions of the abuser we become controlled by the abuse and sometimes the abuser. Some act out to be in control to feel they were not the victim, others relive the victim role recreating what the survivor did to the abuser.

I have been through therapy and support groups, extricated myself from an environment which reinforced the abuse by denials, abuse and lies about the abuse. I have been at this for 10 years, and finally I am comfortable in my own skin and body. I actually love and like myself. I have love in my life, I have passion in my life but I still wonder what really happened during fugues and why I remained in an environment that triggered flashbacks, dissociation and kept me trapped in a world I had longed to escape.

Kevin
 
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I feel guilt because I literally initiated the abuse when my sister (one of my abusers) would come home from college. I wonder if it would have even continued as long as it did if it wasn’t for me basically begging for it.
The guilt is not yours. The guilt rests on the person who abused you. People can and do ask for things that are unhealthy and bad for them all the time, and it was up to your abuser to refuse. She did not.

If my wife begged me to punch her in the jaw, and I did, who would be the person going to jail for assault?
 
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