The growth of rage!! Trigger?? Probably!!

[Ceremony]

This is how my mind gets to rage, the steps I'm doing right this moment which get me into that state:

1)I'm thinking about Chester Bennington, and he's a survivor who is now gone. Call: Lifeline if you're triggered.

2)I've been reading about my broken brain in Janina Fisher's work and Besell Van Der Kolk's book "The Body Keeps the Score". Today I've been following up about the APA's dismissal of ME, YOU, all who are trapped in the complexity that is described by extensive research of the ACE study and those advocating the proper label of DTD, Developmental Trauma Disorder.

3)I truly trigger when authority is in my way and my angst is deep, huge, an enormity that builds as an epicenter outward in tornado, hurricane, explosive force!!

4)............*****

 

[Ceremony]

I guess, no, I'm not Ok...

Trying to breath... trying to type... missing keys...

crying and that's not good enough...

 

[Ceremony]

My body is dumped with whatever... You know it must be cortisol, that's what I trained it to do... self harm!!

It's never been easy to think, and I get into this with a lot of intensity. I think a lot, riiiight! Who knows me, knows this.

I'm a tense, needy, and sad man. My dad self is fighting in there, but overwhelmed to soothe all those parts of me...

Like Foo Fighters "Pretender" sequence numbered adversaries. they're lined up on the attack, well that's metaphorical for being upset.

And everyone gets tired of the needy, too much effort, they've got their stuff.

 

[Ceremony]

I suppose my wife's ways, and my mom wrote a letter to the three of us siblings. I'm the "hurt" one. She's thinking it's an apology letter. It's not the only thing, I write all about stuff, I go all over the place, there's always a lot involved, what am I supposed leave out?

How do I talk about what I can't seem to talk about? Or do, but I'm not really, you don't know right in this thing, what's got me, what won't stop in this thinking... it's automatic and I'm supposed to try and put it away. Some things find ways of pushing back at me if I try... and then so many others want attention. It's all there, I can page through and through, sort and look at the stacks of things in my head.

Dammit!

 

[Ceremony]

Hey 79 guests, any of you in with the APA DSM leadership, you need to check yourself!! Our talk, in my desire will be all me doing the talking and you listen and just shut up!! I don't suppose anyone out there is APA DSM leadership, they're dismissive and obstructing the needs of all DTD forward progress. I'm very upset about that. I have had too many things stop me in my life. So many obstructions, which always includes myself, my brain, and this brain is always talking to itself.

 

[Ceremony]

I feel beaten up, I hurt, tense and it's hard to breath.

 

[DanielQ432]

Hey there, I'm kinda here with you - as much as I can be, I'm trying to get through a big backlog of stuff on my desk, but I'll check back when I can.

How do you talk about this stuff? Well, slowly, gradually, baby steps. It goes from "something I can't ever tell anyone" to something that you aren't afraid to tell almost everyone. In the in-between, you do a lot of processing, a lot of analysis, and the pain diminished and perspective is gained. Its a process you need to go through, just keep working at it, it will happen.

I'm not sure what you mean in the last post exactly, but I agree, the DMS is a piece of shit for the most part. Any one disorder or condition is whatever a group of morons says it is that day, and most of them overlap so much in symptoms listed it's kind of meaningless. I am NOT a fan of the DSM at all.

 

[Tom E.]

I had a bad rage attack yesterday..On the phone with my brother, he has problems that trigger my anger, my own problems & then my partner, well-meaning, talking to me in one ear, suggesting what to say to my brother, while my brother on the phone is babbling in my other ear.. and suddenly I felt so trapped & enclosed I paniced & started screaming at both of them... sick

 

[manipulated]

Nope not sick. You said it yourself: "TRAPPED" Natural result of our boundaries, space and self being violated. Your partner did not mean to violate and I bet your brother did not either but they did. They did NOT observe your proper boundaries of self.

I still rage when my space, my boundaries are violated too but I must also recognize usually it is not intentional - it is me not being clear with others what is acceptable and what is not. I struggle to tell people I can't help you, back off I need space, or just leave when they are inappropriately using me because I want to please. I want to be liked. Damaged goods want to be seen as first quality but only when we clearly state we ARE will anyone respect us. True of the Gods of DSM true of brothers, partners and social acquaintances. Wow I ramble. Sorry