the grief is going to kill me

the grief is going to kill me
I

Iwanttohelphim

Registrant
Maybe I just need to vent.

The weight of his pain is too much for me.He destroyed my life with him, our relationship...he made everything so ugly and so hard. He treated me like a contemptable piece of trash.

I was willing to bare all of this because I understood he needed some time and some support. But now he claims he won't come home because I was SOOOOO AWFUL to HIM!!!!!!!!!!! and then he claims he can't forgive ME, for not supporting him better!

I am the one who went to therapy. I am the one who found and joined malesurvivor, 2 BPD boards, and a verbal abuse board. I left Law school to deal with his problems and the problems they created for me and our relationship, while he kept going to work and being nasty and asking for help and then refusing it.

All I feel is grief. The anger is gone. The grief is overwhelming. I lost him and I am glad he is gone because my life is worth more than him. Maybe all the anger isn't gone....

But I AM ENRAGED at the REASON.

I feel grief because I know how gurt he is I KNOW. I am a recover CSA survivor myself. I KNOW. How much more to I have to lose to CSA?

I can not control the grief anymore. It is controlling me. I am so sad, it feels like I will never be ok again. I feel like I won't be ok until he comes home and believes he is safe.

venting
 
I am sorry. I understand what you are saying. You are doing the things we all do when we 'love' someone who we see as hurt. We make ourselves the bridge, the stepping stone. We do EVERYTHING in our power to fix them.
Yet, we cannot fix them.
I wish someone would have told me that. I wish someone would have said to me that no matter what you do, you cannot fix this person nor their problem. I think in the back of my mind I knew that...but something drove my behavior to keep trying. Because somehow if I were good enough and could show them their value and the 'light' they would automatically would get on the right track of fixing themselves.
After nearly 4 years of doing what you were describing above I finally burned totally out...and realized that if he didnt want to help himself, nothing I did was going to.
It made me step back, look at myself. Made me wonder why I would be so reactive, and live so reactively to his dysfunction.
I went from being a relatively 'normal' functioning human being to being trapped in his problems and deeming myself the 'fixer' and keeper of the resolution.
It became my puzzle, my problem to resolve.
I see now I was wrong, I was enabling him to a point.
What worked for us, for him to finally decide to face his issue was me saying ENOUGH.
I didnt leave the relationship how I should have. I did things that I regret, but it was his having something worth losing and seeing it go. That is what got his attention.
You are beautiful to step up with the compassion and selflessness that you did.
Just dont destroy yourself........it helps nobody and nothing at all.
God Bless.
 
Thanks beautiful disaster.

I know I sounded kind of mean and selfish and ugly in this vent.

I love him and treasure him and miss him. It is terrible to be blamed. It is terrible to be told you are at fault when all you have done is listen, seek help, not pressure, keep his life balanced with meals, rest and excercise and relaxing pleasant experiences, trying not to trigger, or remove the triggers that you can in his experiences...and then to be blamed....be blamed for not measuring up. For not being enough, for not making his world ok. And to be told by his "friends" that there is NOTHING wrong with him. I am imagining it all. They don't know about the CSA. They don't know one thing about any kind of child abuse...and he's a CHARMER! So I have no one who even beleives me. They think I am an hysterical woman.

Those monsters who did this to him! I want to string them all up!

Thank you for understanding that this is painful and a process for all of us. Thank you for understanding that loving a survivor is so hard on the heart and the soul.

I will remember to take care of myself.

Thank you.
 
I can totally relate! My guy is doing the same thing, pushing me away as I try to help him. Granted, I'm not that great at nurturing, but I've tried so hard to be the person he wants to be with.

Nothing works. It makes me so sad. All of my friends are telling me to let go of him and he'll realize what he's lost. I just can't muster the strength to end it forever...
 
Savannah,

I get the same thing. My friends are really trying to understand, one has a BF who left her 20 years ago because he was an unrecovered survivor. He recovered and found her last year and they are together again...awwwwwwwwwww....He said he knew in his whole life that she was the best thing that ever happened to him. She is.

It's REALLY frustrating for me because I worked for a long time in a behavioral change facility which is based on CBT. I have all the resources in the world at my disposal- I have enough knowledge about "meeting people where they are at" - I know how to to it all "right" - I have helped hundreds of people with this. But I can't help him because I am "too close". The one person who I want to help more than anything. I can't.

I can't let go either. I keep thinking that I must be missing something, but then I remeber that I too recovered from CSA. I did it on my own. There was no help. No appropriate help. Mis diagnosis, bad medication, but I did it and I became some one who could lead it. Why is he not doing the same? Why does he not find answers when so many people do? Because he does not look. So if he doesn't look...maybe he ws right all along, he really isn't good enough for me, maybe he isn't as strong or resourceful as I am...maybe he knows something about himself that I don't....and I should listen....but I can't believe that is true....

sigh.

it blows!!!!!!!!!!!!!!1
 
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