The Game
GonnaBalright
Registrant
****Possible triggers******
I have been active here now for several several months mostly reading. I have been depressed and struggling with my demons a lot this year and I am just tired of it. So I have decided that it is time to start dealing with this. J hope to find some therapy groups in my area, and I will now share my story - the game.
I was raised in an average American home, early 1970s; a family with a mom and a dad under the same roof. They stayed together at a time when divorce was on the rise. It was a really stable environment. I was second to last in a large family. I only had one other brother that was younger than me. And we boys slept in one room. But we also had a relative several years older than me that would visit us and spent the night quite often. He favored me and I looked up to him and I liked having him around because he gave me some attention. He would play wrestle with me and tickle me until I nearly lost my breath, played really well with me it seemed. He was never violent or demeaning to me. One day we were in the boy's room, no one else around, and we got to play wrestle like before. But then he started humping me and said he wanted to play a game with me. The game went like this: He was my big daddy and I had to do whatever he told me to do. I had to give him a bj and then he would sit on my face. But then, we would reverse the roles and suddenly I was the big daddy and he would perform the same acts on me. We only played this game several times, and then he was gone. He moved to another state with his mom. He seemed to be soon forgotten, but I did not forget his game which I introduced to a few of my neighborhood kids.
My mom signed me up for preschool and I still remember the setting - a room off of a basketball gym. It was some kind of community building and it also had a swimming pool. We had to walk through the gym to get to my preschool class and I even remember at least once the lights were off and we walked through the huge gym with no lights and you could barely see in front of you. And there was a kiddie park for the little kids like me just outside the building. I was playing in the park one day but I was by myself. Where did my mom and little brother go? Perhaps she was registering him for preschool? I was there by myself playing. I think I was wearing swimming trunks and no shirt. I was approached by a kid taller than me, maybe three years older, and he had a little brother who was probably about my age. The taller one took my trunks off. I froze with fear and just stood there while he did this, and I think he performed anal sex on me. Then they ran off with my pants and so I fled the area, running naked to the car. I just wanted to hide because I was so embarrassed. This event is blurred and I barely remember much else. For many years I had forgotten about this and have only recently began to recall this event. And that night I had the first nightmare of people molesting me. I used to have nightmares of people molesting me. People I was supposed to trust, people I did not know, even people I saw on TV like the dad from the Adams Family they appeared in my dreams and were making me perform sexual acts. I also remember a dream where there were a row of penises lined up, standing as if on two feet and dancing (perhaps like a Broadway musical?) and I heard a voice telling me to bow down to them. It was weird.
I made it to kindergarten, and one of my neighbors who lived next door to me was also in my kindergarten class. And one day we were playing over his house. We crawled up underneath his house and I played the game with him. I was the big daddy but then I eagerly switched the roles and gave him a bj. Eventually, we were doing this stuff out in his backyard, out in the open, in broad daylight!! Its crazy that no one ever saw us; I never heard any complaints about it and no one ever broke it up. But I suspect somebody in his house may have been spying on us. One day I came over and knocked on the door. They had a big brother (or an uncle?). He was not a minor; already grown up. My friend was not home. In fact, nobody else was there except me and him. He lured me into the house. He asked me if I knew what a boy and a girl do, and then he threw me on a bed, got on top of me and started humping me. And what did I do? I told him about the game. In a sense, I was consenting to the situation! I was young and did not understand that it was wrong; I did not know what the hell I was doing. Its like I was so used to it that it was no big deal. I was still lying on the bed telling him about the game and he was perched on his knees on top of me. He whipped his big thing out and told me to do it. I dissented because I was supposed to be the big daddy first but he insisted. I would not do it so then he shoved his bottom in my face. It was here I discovered the anatomy of an adult is much different from that of a child, and adults have very bad odors! It smelled really bad and somehow I got up and told him I have to go. I ran out of there and went home. My mother was in the front room and I remember having to go right to bed and take a nap. I still remember laying there in my bed, smelling his a** on all over my face. I felt sick. I wonder if my mother had smelled it? It was so wrong for him to do what he did to me.
I was also playing this game with my younger brother, and one time my dad came in our room and caught me underneath the covers. He smacked me and yelled at us. He took me for a ride some place and talked to me, explaining that it was bad for me to do that. I was so humiliated. I never told him who else I did it with or who introduced me to it but today, I am glad that he had that talk with me because it began a change in me. But this talk did not change me overnight. Sometime later I attempted to play this game again with him, but this time my brother got mad and called me a faggot. Again I was humiliated. And so the game came to an end, at least for a few years.
When I was 10 years old I responded to an alter call at the church we regularly attended. I got saved, and I still remember that day how I felt a change in my heart. I felt different now, like something about me had changed. My conscience was kicking in, my eyes were opening to things right and wrong. Around the time I reached 7th grade, my sister got married and moved out. My younger brother and I moved in to her old room while the older brothers now occupied the room we used to share. And I do not know who initiated it, but it started up again and lasted through most of my high school years. The very last time this happened was when God got a hold of me. We finished and I went back to my bed and broke down. I tried to be real quiet because I did not want my brother to hear me crying. What we had been doing I felt really sick about it and I lay there crying and asking God for forgiveness. The game was over. I was being transformed. I would still have the urges, but God drew a line in my late teen years and would not let me cross it. Today I have been married many years, extremely monogamous but I still struggle with the inner urges.I regret being introduced to the game. However, while I want healing, I choose to forgive my relative. I have not spoken to him much over the years and we have never since talked about the game.
I have been active here now for several several months mostly reading. I have been depressed and struggling with my demons a lot this year and I am just tired of it. So I have decided that it is time to start dealing with this. J hope to find some therapy groups in my area, and I will now share my story - the game.
I was raised in an average American home, early 1970s; a family with a mom and a dad under the same roof. They stayed together at a time when divorce was on the rise. It was a really stable environment. I was second to last in a large family. I only had one other brother that was younger than me. And we boys slept in one room. But we also had a relative several years older than me that would visit us and spent the night quite often. He favored me and I looked up to him and I liked having him around because he gave me some attention. He would play wrestle with me and tickle me until I nearly lost my breath, played really well with me it seemed. He was never violent or demeaning to me. One day we were in the boy's room, no one else around, and we got to play wrestle like before. But then he started humping me and said he wanted to play a game with me. The game went like this: He was my big daddy and I had to do whatever he told me to do. I had to give him a bj and then he would sit on my face. But then, we would reverse the roles and suddenly I was the big daddy and he would perform the same acts on me. We only played this game several times, and then he was gone. He moved to another state with his mom. He seemed to be soon forgotten, but I did not forget his game which I introduced to a few of my neighborhood kids.
My mom signed me up for preschool and I still remember the setting - a room off of a basketball gym. It was some kind of community building and it also had a swimming pool. We had to walk through the gym to get to my preschool class and I even remember at least once the lights were off and we walked through the huge gym with no lights and you could barely see in front of you. And there was a kiddie park for the little kids like me just outside the building. I was playing in the park one day but I was by myself. Where did my mom and little brother go? Perhaps she was registering him for preschool? I was there by myself playing. I think I was wearing swimming trunks and no shirt. I was approached by a kid taller than me, maybe three years older, and he had a little brother who was probably about my age. The taller one took my trunks off. I froze with fear and just stood there while he did this, and I think he performed anal sex on me. Then they ran off with my pants and so I fled the area, running naked to the car. I just wanted to hide because I was so embarrassed. This event is blurred and I barely remember much else. For many years I had forgotten about this and have only recently began to recall this event. And that night I had the first nightmare of people molesting me. I used to have nightmares of people molesting me. People I was supposed to trust, people I did not know, even people I saw on TV like the dad from the Adams Family they appeared in my dreams and were making me perform sexual acts. I also remember a dream where there were a row of penises lined up, standing as if on two feet and dancing (perhaps like a Broadway musical?) and I heard a voice telling me to bow down to them. It was weird.
I made it to kindergarten, and one of my neighbors who lived next door to me was also in my kindergarten class. And one day we were playing over his house. We crawled up underneath his house and I played the game with him. I was the big daddy but then I eagerly switched the roles and gave him a bj. Eventually, we were doing this stuff out in his backyard, out in the open, in broad daylight!! Its crazy that no one ever saw us; I never heard any complaints about it and no one ever broke it up. But I suspect somebody in his house may have been spying on us. One day I came over and knocked on the door. They had a big brother (or an uncle?). He was not a minor; already grown up. My friend was not home. In fact, nobody else was there except me and him. He lured me into the house. He asked me if I knew what a boy and a girl do, and then he threw me on a bed, got on top of me and started humping me. And what did I do? I told him about the game. In a sense, I was consenting to the situation! I was young and did not understand that it was wrong; I did not know what the hell I was doing. Its like I was so used to it that it was no big deal. I was still lying on the bed telling him about the game and he was perched on his knees on top of me. He whipped his big thing out and told me to do it. I dissented because I was supposed to be the big daddy first but he insisted. I would not do it so then he shoved his bottom in my face. It was here I discovered the anatomy of an adult is much different from that of a child, and adults have very bad odors! It smelled really bad and somehow I got up and told him I have to go. I ran out of there and went home. My mother was in the front room and I remember having to go right to bed and take a nap. I still remember laying there in my bed, smelling his a** on all over my face. I felt sick. I wonder if my mother had smelled it? It was so wrong for him to do what he did to me.
I was also playing this game with my younger brother, and one time my dad came in our room and caught me underneath the covers. He smacked me and yelled at us. He took me for a ride some place and talked to me, explaining that it was bad for me to do that. I was so humiliated. I never told him who else I did it with or who introduced me to it but today, I am glad that he had that talk with me because it began a change in me. But this talk did not change me overnight. Sometime later I attempted to play this game again with him, but this time my brother got mad and called me a faggot. Again I was humiliated. And so the game came to an end, at least for a few years.
When I was 10 years old I responded to an alter call at the church we regularly attended. I got saved, and I still remember that day how I felt a change in my heart. I felt different now, like something about me had changed. My conscience was kicking in, my eyes were opening to things right and wrong. Around the time I reached 7th grade, my sister got married and moved out. My younger brother and I moved in to her old room while the older brothers now occupied the room we used to share. And I do not know who initiated it, but it started up again and lasted through most of my high school years. The very last time this happened was when God got a hold of me. We finished and I went back to my bed and broke down. I tried to be real quiet because I did not want my brother to hear me crying. What we had been doing I felt really sick about it and I lay there crying and asking God for forgiveness. The game was over. I was being transformed. I would still have the urges, but God drew a line in my late teen years and would not let me cross it. Today I have been married many years, extremely monogamous but I still struggle with the inner urges.I regret being introduced to the game. However, while I want healing, I choose to forgive my relative. I have not spoken to him much over the years and we have never since talked about the game.
