The Friends and Family I've Left Behind

[Tribear]

If I ever try to hurt myself again, it will probably be because of this thing. I decided to try to write about it once here.

I can't say goodbye to these people who are still in my heart, not really. To some who were perpetrators, sure. But to other people I've known and loved who walked or ran away since my CSA came out, that hurts a lot. I thought they loved me too, but not enough to stay I guess. Most are gone--OK, all if I am honest. They didn't have near as much problem in their heart letting go of me---and I'm not talking a bunch of shallow people either. And whatever the hell is apparently wrong with me now, I'm not making new friends in my circle either.

I'm reminded of the song "Both Sides Now", penned by Joni Mitchell, but made famous by Judy Collins..."But now old friends are acting strange. They shake their heads, they say I've changed".

The tenacious void includes a romantic one, though I'm not THAT old--48. Still, it seems the 20's or so are the hot years for new romances. People seem to get much more cautious after that, or they are already taken! I've had a few offers, but not ones I thought were healthy--like from a topless dancer I met in my apartment complex, and another woman who is WAY too sexually available to MANY others too, etc.

This sh** has cost me almost everything, maybe everything, it remains to be seen.

Yes I've been in therapy, for 11 years. But I guess I can't reap the rewards for my work where it counts most to me--people of character who will love me up close and personal, whether it be friends or that special someone. I understand myself better for all my work, but being content living out the rest of my life with just myself for company, planting flowers in a garden or something, ain't gonna cut it.

Boy is this a downer. Sorry, I had to try something.

Happy Sunday folks,

Tb

 

[Leosha]

Tribear, I'm so sorry for all you have lost. I know that for me it has not been so bad, I am grateful for what and who is still within my life. I am sorry that so many have deserted you. I hope that the friends in your life, and in your future will remain true to you. I hope that you are able to feel better some. Please know I value you as a friend, and wish you well.

Leosha

 

[Nathan LaChine]

Tribear,

What I have learned from my own SA and others abuse is that the costs can sometimes be great. Not only did you loss your childhood but you also lost a part of your self. Friends and family sometimes shy away because they do not understand or know what to say. If these people have left you since you told them about your SA do not think it is because of you, it is because they do not understand so they choice to remain in the dark.

I wish that once I made the ten-year mark with therapy I would be healed. Sadly there is no mark or amount of time that is that magic point when we are healed. This journey of healing is a lifetime of work. Their are alot of milestones along the way. You should be proud of the work you have done and be looking forward towards the future.

lots of love, Nathan

 

[The Dean]

Tribear, your sense of pain and loss are very clear. I wish that it were different.

I suspect that some of your perps might be family or closely connected to family. Openly exposing the truth can threaten a lot of people. My suspicion is that the people who love you and whom you most love, are more than likely having trouble knowing how to relate to you and the atrocity of your abuse.

It is wise of you to not just go with any person that makes herself available to you. You deserve a real relationship.
Have you, or could you write a letter to those whose love you most miss and be open with them and simply tell them to not fear you. Let them know that you love and treasure them, and you hope that they still love and treasure you.

THEN, you might want to send the letter, or maybe not. At any rate, I think writing it out could be of help to you. Since you are in therapy I feel free to suggest that, but I would probably not suggest it to you if you do not have the support of a therapist to help you with it.

Before we send letters like that, we have to be ready to accept a very negaitve response, or none at all. That is why I think you would want to think about it before you do it.

I so much wish you well in re-connecting with those you feel a real desire to connect with.

Bob

 

[Tribear]

I read the perspectives and advice. Thank you for that.

Yes, the abandonment came after I told these certain people about the abuse. And many of the perpetrators were members of my own family, so they are in denial city.

But when I remembered the events and had my breakdown 11 years ago, I also went through some internal changes that surely show on the outside. How much??---I don't know.

Based on those changes, I do wonder how others see me now. Maybe the topic of child abuse is implied or inferred by my very proximity to someone, and that alone poisons the water. People sure seem to hate that subject. You'd think it was retroactively contagious.

I tried actually sending one letter, and I got no response from that one. I guess I can do the write-it-but-don't-send-it routine, but I know I'll just cry a bunch. Is it good for anything else at this point?

What it amounts to is these people leave me to guess like crazy here. And one thing I do realize from therapy, is that I spent a lot of my younger years living a life of guessing. I'm really burned out on guessing.

There is one ironic twist to this whole situation, and it confuses me as to just who is root of the problem here.

I have read several times that there is a sign that people truly have serious trust and attachment issues. It's if they permanently blackball people they've had conflicts with, and are unwilling to keep their heart open to the prospect of letting those people back in their life. In theory I'm the one who could have issues like that, since I was the one who was abused by those I trusted. But I'm the one who still feels the bond, not these once-dear people who have walked out of my life. Supposedly that makes me a good candidate for permanent relationships, but it's not happening. Hmmm.

I hope there's something left for me somewhere. That feels like mostly a fantasy anymore. I'm very, very tired and (embarrassed to say) lonely these days.

Regards,

Tribear