The fraud

[Thad]

Stephen_5
Thanks for your post in our stories - Please do come back and post more - it was powerful for me - especially the following:

"It meant having an overpowering feeling that everything that I had or accomplished could go away in an instant if anyone ever found out about the real me. Everything I did or had was just good fortune anyway, I couldn't possibly have done that on my own, I wasn't that good, that smart. I was a fraud and someday everyone would find out."

That really voiced for me what I call my "neg voice". It is always there and it is the one that called me a "freak of nature" and took away the good in anything I did or even thought - It knew the "real me" the shame - the secret "truth" - that I was a fraud -

My "neg voice" is still there and would fill my mind if I gave it the chance - It has become a bit more subtle now that I recognize it for what it is, but it is still there....thad

 

[Stephen_5]

Thad,

That's just the way I feel sometimes, less frequently now than a few years ago but it takes a concerted effort on my part to be aware of what's going on and get grounded again. It generally happens when I get stressed out or depressed and my energy is low. It's difficult sometimes to believe in myself and think well of myself. I'm a compassionate person to others but I'm very hard on myself and the ones I love.

When something occurs to sadden me or frustrate me or anger me it can be the start of a downward spiral. If I don't catch it before it gets out of hand I have, in the past, done some pretty stupid, foolhardy, dangerous things. I'm getting better at recognizing what's happening around me and that awareness helps to subdue those implusive actions, most of the time anyway. I feel that it took me forty years to begin to deal with it, it's not going to go away in an instant. I feel that I've made miraculous progress in just a few years and I've made some major changes in my life, for the better.

You're almost local, just a few hours away. If I can ever get the chat room to hook up maybe we can chat some. I think that talking helps, especially with someone who's been through some of the same stuff. Everyone's a teacher and everyone's a student. There's a lot for me to learn and I think I've got a lot to give to others.

Take good care of yourself,

Steve

 

Steve, Thad,

Aren't those "you did good--but not good enough" messages powerful? They reside in every cell of our bodies and sneak up on us and sap us of our energy and strength when we least expect it!

As we know from our own SA experiences, once can, perhaps, survive the physical scars of abuse, but the emotional and psychological stuff hangs on for a lifetime. In a single instant, a child who is trusting, enthusiastic, and free has the carpet pulled out from under him and it affects him in profound ways for the rest of his life. This, of course, is the real heartbreak for us all.

Thanks to you both for your insights; they are so helpful....

Don

 

Thad,

I also have those negative thoughts about my self. I call them 'Bad Self Talk' and when it happens i try very hard to remember to think a 'Good Self Thought' in response. I have found this to be very hepful in my efforts to recreate (so to speak) my self-image.

Your qoute from Steoen's story touched me also and i felt s definate realty with it.

Ron