The first time I ever told anyone I was raped!

[lostcowboy]

The first time I ever told anyone was the missile tech that was my best friend at the time. This was about six months or so after this tale. I meet the little boy, and he kicks my ass. Big Triggers I was in a deep depression over the girl in that tale. My friend was being transferred in about three days, we were sharing the same barracks room. I guess he was pretty worried about me. Anyway, he grabbed me from behind and held on to me. Being that he was bigger and stronger than me, I couldn't get out of the hold. I think he said something like he was going to hold me until I wasn't depressed any more. If He said anything else I don't remember it, as I was heading toward a full blind panic at a very fast clip. My friend didn't know it, but I don't like to be touched by guys, let alone held by guys. I was trying to get out of the hold with out hurting my friend, I was also heading toward the blind panic. I am sure it was because I did not want to hurt him that I told him. I could tell I was about to give in to the panic, I knew if I gave in I was going to kick him in the balls hard enough to put him in the hospital. Just when I thought I couldn't do anything else it came out. LET ME THE FUCK UP! I WAS RAPED! Well as you can imagine he did let me go. It did get me out of my depression, but I don't recommend anyone else trying this method. We did not talk any more about it, just that one statement. That was the start of me telling. Over the years I have told several friends, each time it was as they moved out of my life, due to being transferred.

 

[Mike Church]

Lostcowboy the only way to truly understand being raped is to have had it done to you. Thank god others do not know because I would not wish it on anyone. Your friend who hugged you had your best interest at heart and he must have felt sick knowing what he had done to trigger you. The telling gets easier and true friends will still be there for you. I am sure that that first guy you told would still come to your assistance.

 

[James_dup1]

I agree with Mike. Sounds like your friend was trying to help you in a way he felt was good. Sounds like he did more for you than he knows. By you saying it for the first time out loud. I know for me saying it outloud for the very first time was the worst. Till I heard myself say it I was able to try to live in denial. But once I heard it out of my mouth it's hard to hide from. And yes it does get easier to tell as you heal more and speak of it more.

(((hugs)))

James

 

[TJ jeff]

Lostcowboy -

I am glad that you were able to get those words out - it shows that you have great inner strength

I had a simmilar experience in the military...

My good buddy grabbed hold of me down in the enginroom of the ship (I was pissed off for good reason and going to teach a jr. sailer a 'lesson' but my buddy held me back) - I can remember telling him to "let go - I don't like being held" (he just laughed - as he is a mountain of a man compared to me) - I can remember telling him a few times to "let go - I'm not jokeing" - then I literaly threw him right across the engineroom (panic/adrenaline rush) - Did'nt hurt him but he never grabbed me again... - we did talk a bit about my dislike of being held (for me it goes back to my Mom) - and Yes, we are still friends even though I have'nt talked to him in a while now...

 

[lostcowboy]

Hi guys, yes I agree he did do me a service. After that I could tell my friends that I had been raped, but only when I was losing them as friends due to them or me being transfered, or them getting out of the navy. I think I did that, because I did not want them to feel sorry for me, or pity me. Also I still could not tell them any details. I think that is why I did not tell my wife until I was forced to do so, and I have never gone in to any detail with her about it.
The only place I have gone into detail about being raped and how it effected me is here on this site.

 

[lostcowboy]

I recently reconnected with my friend by email. He lives in California, but will be moving to Florida in October. He will try to stop by here on his way through Texas.

 

Hello Lost Cowboy:

I think it does you good to post about these things. I know it does us good to hear about them, in the sense that it helps us to understand your situation better.

But most of all, I think it takes tremendous courage to speak of these things.

Thanks,

Jasper

 

[beachman]

I think it is empowering for us to tell. These examples of being held as triggers are helpful. I know for me that there have been times when physical contacts whether intimate or sexual set me off in a panic or withdrawal. Saying how I was feeling and what I was feeling was good for me and helpful for the other person. Sometimes people don't understand, but it still feels better to be able to talk about it.
Thanks.
Peace,
Steve