the first post

the first post
C

collegecapricorn

Registrant
This is my first post (I have responded to two) and I'm a little nervous. So much has been happening in a short time and I wanted you all to know how much I appreciate you. When I don't think I can keep going, I come here and you all make me stronger by reminding me I'm not alone. I thought I was dealing before, and I wasn't. Things are starting to sink in...I FINALLY started going to therapy (for all those who told me I needed to) and I work every day to survive.

Tell me guys...can I do this? Can the guy who is strongest among his friends deal with this?

I thought before I was dealing because I remebered things...and yes that was bad. Now I remember the FEELINGS from "it". I am consumed with this, emotion is fighting to get out and it doesn't win. I WANT to deal, but something is blocking it. I look at my friends...all with their own problems...and feel weak. I want to win against this and die at the same time (I'm not sucicdal, I just think it would be better if I didn't exsist).

I'm sure many of you have been in this place, but I need to know that I can do this. I no longer see the light...it seems endless and hopeless... :(

I'm REALLY sorry to write this...all drunk and messed up, but I need to say what I feel, and this was the ONLY way I could. Thank you all for reading....


cc...lost and feeling alone
 
CC, I for one have been through times of utter hopelessness and despair, wondering if I could ever find the strength to get through it?

Firstly, I think the hurt of the past needs to be addressed, it is hard to meet those feelings again, but just by dealing with them, as an adult, and not a child is tough. Just imagine how tough it was for the child at the time!

Dealing with it as adults, we can then let it go, bit by bit, we do get stronger as we go on.

We all feel so weak going through this, but take a look, we have had to use so much more strength than anyone around us to get this far.

That is worth thinking about, that is what gives me the strength above weakness,

Don't be afraid to air your feelings, that is what this place is for, and I welcome you in,

take care,

ste
 
Can you do this? the answer is a definite yes. You have survived the worst of it by being strong now you can really begin to heal this and win!

When we start to deal with the feelings it is very scary and new, it is very overwhelming. Its a different way to deal with the world. I had the self-image that I was very independent, didnt need anyone and thought it was weakness to need support and help. I had to relearn that I could get support that my feelings and needs were not weakness. I am still learning that.

Yes, feeling these painful feelings, the helplessness, hopelessness and loneliness of an abused child are terribly scary and as we have spent years working hard at not feeling them it takes some time and a feeling of safety to begin to let them out.
There is light there for you even when its not visible. Writing about feeling weak and alone takes courage and real strength.
Rustam
 
Welcome. Your post brought tears to my eyes. Perhaps that is the best I can use this site for; to know others out there feel like I do and have catharsis. Perhaps you will find more and better uses for this site, but DO use it your own way! I:m sorry to say that the road IS the destination with Abuse, but happy you are on the road and no longer parked. I:m happy to say I/we are out here and can talk yer language, which family and friends usually will or can not talk. Post yer issues, even when yer not drunk.
 
Hey CC,

Yup, been there. I've done a lot of work since I've found this place. If you click my quote below it will take you to my story. It's from a while back and I'm working on an update because things have gotten even better since then, but the point is healing is possible. I really didn't think it was at first, then I thought it could be done but only to a limited extent. Now I feel I have become the person I was meant to be if the SA didn't happen... stronger actually because with all the work and learning I've done I think I have more tools in my toolbox to deal with little everyday situations than regular folks have.

You can do it... it's not fun, but in time, you can do it.

Take care,
 
CC,

Yes. You can do this. You have strength. I have seen it in chat.

I have been in that place of wondering. And fearing I couldn't make it. But the guys here pulled me through.

Lean on us until you can stand alone. It won't be long. Take advantage of our combined strength to carry you through the tough times. It has worked for me.

I am proud of you!

Marc
 
CC listen to these guys. You can do it. We all can. The important thing is that you are no longer alone. We are all here for you and you for us. And you are in therapy.

Remember what happened to you was the worst thing that could possilby happen to you and it was never your fault or guilt.

You have taken the first step and it is a huge one.
 
CC

Yes you can do this, I never thought I would get this far but here I am, hopefully a little stronger than I was, when all this crap hit the fan?

These guys and me will walk with you.

Archnut
 
CC,

It's obvious that you can do it. You are doing it.
I need to say what I feel
Click to expand...
See, you're doing it.

Thanks,

Joe
 
I'm still dealing with it, about 50 years since the first abuse so I guess I am proof that it can done. There are other guys here in a similar position.

You're trying very hard. I understand that. Its hard not to. But, remember, you are dealing with post traumatic stress. The things that happened to you were traumatic. They are not dealt with easily.

I understand that you may be using alcohol to dull the feelings. I've done that. Just remember that alcohol also distorts perception. Your feelings are dulled but you ability to deal with them is also dulled.
 
"at the end of this tunnel of guilt and shame must be a light of some kind." --Ani DiFranco

It gets better. It's never easy, but it you figure out how to be in the world again.

When I was in my first semseter all hell broke loose. Everything I new about how to order the world, all the games I'd perfected for surviving at home, all of it went out the window. It was all so disorienting. I suddenly figured out there were other ways to be in the world, and once I new that there was no going back to the crap that worked for me before.

That was the scariest part early on...that all of the survival tools that had carried me so far weren't going to work anymore. So I went out hunting for new tools. I made a lot of mistakes along the way and tried out some tools that weren't so healthy.

Eventually, I learned how to stand up and breathe again. I learned how to live in the here and now. I learned to trust my body and my instincts. I learned to live.

Resurrection happens, but the journey is our home.

Peace,
Brian
 
CC
If I can do it .............

And as someone ( Joe ? ) said earlier "you are doing it". Just by coming here and acknowledging that you need some support is 'doing it'
Starting therapy is definitly 'doing it'

The thing that I found, and I guess most other Survivors do as well, is that early on we get a stage when the memories manifest themselves with the emotions we suppressed for so long.
And they scare the crap out of us because we've scarcely done emotions before.

It's something new for us to learn, and not something we should be frightened of. Feeling those emotions free's us from the creeping darkness that our abuse caused.

It's not easy, and I wouldn't ever kid anyone that it is, but 'doing it' is possible, and it's so worthwhile.

Dave
 
Originally posted by Roland:
I really didn't think [healing] was [possible] at first, then I thought it could be done but only to a limited extent. Now I feel I have become the person I was meant to be if the SA didn't happen... stronger actually because with all the work and learning I've done I think I have more tools in my toolbox to deal with little everyday situations than regular folks have.
Click to expand...
This quote made my day! You see, CC, THERE IS HOPE! There is light in the end of this tunnel.

Much like you, right now I am deep into this whole shit and I can't see the light. But I know that it is there and that if I keep working hard these difficult moments will pass. They will, I am sure they will.

I am here for you, like all these wonderful and brave guys.

Peace,
Raphael
 
CC - speaking from my own personal experience, yes you can do it.

When I found this place last December, I was a physical and emotional wreck deep in the pits of despair... I didn't have much hope.

Since then, I've had some therapy, done a lot of hard work on myself ...including forgiving myself. Everyone here told me that I was not to blame for what happened to me & I gradually came to believe that was true. The support here has been tremendous.

I have been lucky, that I have friends who know of my situation now & they have also supported me (they always knew something was wrong, but they didn't know what until I told them).

2 weeks ago, I felt strong enough to finally go to the police (35 years after the abuse took place). I wrote and signed a 15 page statement - he has been arrested & the whole town knows that he has. I am waiting further developments with The Crown Prosecution Service & CID - I hope to get my day in court.

Thats one hell of a change for me in just over 10 months. Now rather than giving up, I have come out fighting & I aim to win by a knockout!

CC - you can do it - have faith in yourself - it's there, you just need to find it.

Very best wishes ....Rik
 
CC - speaking from my own personal experience, yes you can do it.

When I found this place last December, I was a physical and emotional wreck deep in the pits of despair... I didn't have much hope.

Since then, I've had some therapy, done a lot of hard work on myself ...including forgiving myself. Everyone here told me that I was not to blame for what happened to me & I gradually came to believe that was true. The support here has been tremendous.

I have been lucky, that I have friends who know of my situation now & they have also supported me (they always knew something was wrong, but they didn't know what until I told them).

2 weeks ago, I felt strong enough to finally go to the police (35 years after the abuse took place). I wrote and signed a 15 page statement - he has been arrested & the whole town knows that he has. I am waiting further developments with The Crown Prosecution Service & CID - I hope to get my day in court.

Thats one hell of a change for me in just over 10 months. Now rather than giving up, I have come out fighting & I aim to win by a knockout!

CC - you can do it - have faith in yourself - it's there, you just need to find it.

Very best wishes ....Rik
 
C.C. -

Congratulations. You ARE doing it! Having been away from "chat" for a short while it was so good to see you posting here in the forum.!

I know it hurts. We all do. You are taking big, brave steps - not the least of which is seeing a therapist, for which I also congratulate you.

Peace,

Kenn
 
CC, Thanks for being so real in your process! These feelings can be overwhelming and seem larger than life alright.You really inspired my today to face them head on and resist the temptation to retreat into the firmilliar darkness! Continue to be so courageous. You will win this deal!
 
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