The Eyes Are Back

[Bobby]

It's the middle of the night and I had to get up and write this. If you have been reading the things that I have written, you know that I have lost quite a bit of weight recently and have been really proud of my efforts. What you don't know is that for about a month I have been struggling with those efforts and I still have about 80 pounds to lose. Instead, I have been gaining.

I have felt that I wasn't just slipping, but was eating with a purpose in mind. Something deep inside me was trying to sabbotage my diet efforts. Tonight was the worst. I did fine all day and then I deliberately headed for a dessert that I knew I shouldn't have and ate quite a bit of it. I didn't eat as much as I wanted to, which was the whole thing, but I ate way too much of it.

All the time I was eating, I was wondering why I was self destructing. It was as if I couldn't get enough of it. It was a hunger, but there was something wrong with it. It was a need to eat...almost a desperation to fill up on the fattening food....to get fatter.

All of this was going on as I was watching television and was going on inside my mind and I was aware and not aware at the same time. Then, tonight I woke up suddenly wide awake and I knew.

It was the eyes....his eyes....the eyes I saw when I was a baby and he came for me and he looked down at me, the demon eyes. They were looking at me. I closed my eyes as I lay there in bed and I couldn't get rid of them. I thought to myself how silly to be an old man and to be haunted and frightened by my father's eyes. He's been dead for 37 years. But there they were.

There is a heat generated by those eyes that I have talked about before...a heat that I actually feel on the inside and on the outside. I feel it when I eat those fattening foods.

Now I want to know: am I eating to punish myself or am I eating because I'm anxious? Do I blame myself for what happened and want to punish myself, or do I turn to the food for help and comfort and to calm me down when I have those feelings that I had when he was getting ready to reach down for me?

As I write, I really think it's the latter, because I see and feel myself laying there. That minute when his hands are on the way down to pick me up. It's a mixture of panic and relaxing into the inevitable. It's going to happen, baby, just relax and let it happen. Go somewhere else in your mind...somewhere that's pretty and pleasant and calm. Oh my god, it's my valley!

I have seen this valley, where the grass is green and everything is happy and wonderful. I have written to a friend about it, where my little boy plays and the sun shines and the grass is soft and I/he lays on a hillside in the sun. I always wondered where it was and why I was there?

So, I think that the food does the same thing. If I stuff myself with the sweet things.... Well you get the picture. When I am stuffed, everything seems okay. I relax. I know I have eaten too much, that I didn't want or need that much, but I have quieted something inside. I have also done something that no one can stop me from doing. It is a revenge that I can do. It is the only thing in my life that I can control. I can get back at the son of a bitch.

The more I get through this whole thing and the more I understand it, the more I see those awful eyes.

Any thoughts? Am I just fooling myself and trying to make myself feel better because I'm too weak to stay on my diet? I'd be interested in what you all think. No matter what, the writing really helped me. I'll see the eyes again now, but I'll be able to sleep.

It's still amazing to me that they can scare me...a grown man...like that after all these years. Bobby

 

[Aptrick]

I share in your plight. At twelve, when my mother left my father for divorce, he told me that I would have to 'do her duties' untill they got back together (I had to go stay with him everyother weekend). I wanted nothing more than to escape him to have him not see me that way. I remember him always commenting on how ugly 'fat' women were. So I stuffed myself as much as i could. I went from being underweight to overweight in a year.
Once I got there people, in general, stopped noticing me; the weight had become a barrier. I clung to this protection. I lost the wieght the summer before college; I was getting out of the hell hole town I lived for the bigger city and was ready for change. I met along of people and did alot of things like a 'normal' guy; met my future wife and we started dating. One of her best friends became my best friend; and shortly afterwards, he confided he was gay to me.
It never bothered me; I explained to him my mother had had gay friends and as long as he didn't think I was available to him, we would never have a problem with it. He and I grew to be close friends; he , my future wife, and myself moved in together and had a wonderful relationship. We would talk for hours about all sorts of things ....as friends. He kept getting into bad relationships and he became more distant to myself and my future wife, we thought he needed time to try new things after 22 years of denial. His relationship with us grew ever distant; he moved and we moved. We would still get together and go out and things, but the relationship had changed.
One night, my wife and I ran into a girl that he and had worked with, he was very close to her at work. In the course of the conversation of catching up, she made a joke about Him having a crush on me. My wife laughed and asked her to explain. I was absolutely floored. She explained that he for months after his coming out, would tell his co-worker of his plans to seduce me and to take me away from my wife. I was sooo devastated. He had betrayed me and lied and plotted to 'get' me. I had considered him my BEST friend and he had secretly wanted my flesh.
Needless to say I have 'successfully' gained an extra 100 pounds that I maintain today.
A little clarification on my part, I am and was not upset that he was gay ( in my humble opinion, you are born the way you are); I was upset and felt betrayed because I had trusted him. He never did anything to me; but I just felt 7 all over again being watched and fantasized about. yes, I did asked him about it; I try my best to not jump the gun on others accusations. He confirmed and laughed it off like it was no big deal. The point in all this rambling is that I understand the control issue with your weight. I started for maybe a different reason, but I am at the same place. Anytime I decide to lose it, the thoughts of being oggled and everyone having sub-motives freaks me out. I am an adult and I can handle most any physical attack; it's the not knowning who you can trust that haunts me. The fear of men that shames me; why psot and be here if I'm afraid of men so much? I want to not be afraid; i want to heal.
Again, rambling aside, I understand the weight thing.

 

[Morning Star]

I remember as child, coming back from school and stuffing myself with food till I felt numb, I couldnt feel the pain any more.

Plus food was the only mode of joy entering into my life. Result? I gained millions of pounds, and felt safe.

For a while at least. I was hidden myself beneath all that weight.

Now as I am dealing with abuse again after 20 years, I am vulnerable again and I am overeating again and putting on weight again.

My guides says: "Untill you find another source of soothing yourself or nourishing your spirit, you will not be able to heal this pattern of food dependency. YOu cannot will your way through it. Respect your body for what it needs.
And its hunger for love."

 

[Glen]

Hey guys
My weight problem started when I was 25 when I started shutting down. I ate cause it made me feel better. Thats all it is I think. I think its our way of loving and soothing ourselves we just need to find other ways to love ourselves.