The enemy within and without

The enemy within and without
M

Morning Star

Registrant
Whenever I am doing something and it gets blocked, I get terribly angry and start abusing the universe and then myself. when no other person is involved. It is the same feeling with being controlled, victimised which I am not able to break. Then everyone becomes my enemy. including my self.
Help!
 
that's what would happen to me. I used to be victimized by traffic lights of all things! Part of me would know that the traffic light was not out to get me but boy that didn't stop me from wondering why I alwys hit the red ones.
 
true, in real life I am such a control freak, I want everything to happen just right or as I want. and when it doesnt I get furious and if no one is in sigh I blame God for not letting my email go. ;)

It is that part of me that feel controlled and 'acts out' as control freak.

or just when I am about to sleep a neighbour starts hammering the wall. But actually I slept with a surety that Universe will do something to disturb me...and sure enough it did. may be I asked for it.

So how to break this pattern? As going with flow is such fearful thing.
 
Hello Morning. Ive got similar patterns. Except, I really do believe there are people who harrass me. I think they think i'm some criminal or something, just because I dont socialise, am hypervigilant (knowing whats going on all the time). In their eyes, I must be this threat to their moral existence or something.
I keep having to tell myself, "it's them. not you. You've done nothing wrong."

If you cant sleep due to noisy neighbors: ear plugs. When you buy, look on the back of the packaging for a "decibal rating". Mine have to be 32 or I cant sleep. Most are between 20 and 35. You can get them at your local pharmacy.

Good luck.
 
My gosh you guys could all be writing about me. I was the ultimate control freak. I could even read control in innocent remarks by others. For expample my wife would say " Lets go to x this weekend" and that switch would be turned on in my brain. "Dont try and control me". I have had difficulty with authority and that all my life. It goes to where and how my abuse occured and that the others were in authority and control.

I know realize that it was a defence mechanism in me that kept others (any others) at bay. it was part of my wall. Not only did it keep others away it also helped to lock me in isolation.

Thankfully I dont do that anymore. I still have my moments but I can recognize it now and turn off that damned switch. I have not figured out the electricial part of it to remove it but I am working on it.

That is why trust is such a huge thing with us and why we find it so difficult to do even though it is a part of every human being. To trust, belong, be loved and to do it all back to others.

The journey does get more interesting does it not. ;)
 
Somedays are worse than others for blocking, at work it irritates me to find the hours going by, and the work is still not done, when it should have been.

Suppose it all has to be right, it freaks me out to find I've made a mistake! I was just thinking, at the end of most days, I feel like I am jet lagged, even though I don't know what that is.

Maybe it is a good thing, because I don't know what double jet lag would feel like :p

ste
 
I am not so much a 'control freak' but I know of other people, other survivors who are. I think we have not had control so much in past, we have lost that, we have had the lost boundaries and such, that we have to take it when we can. I am not sure how to make that stop, but I know we can be good to ourselves, or we can be judgemental and negative of ourselves. That kind of thinking is something else we can control. I wish you luck.

leosha
 
Yes reality! I need to make reality checks every now and then. I get so caught up in the external doing that it becomes oh so important, that I even forget that I am loosing my centre and draining. Or get tense over minor things. Make them into big deals and monsters that swallow me!

And that is when the things on the outside start going haywire as well. and that is warning sign.

So now I have decided to put that 'hyper vigilance' to some good use. By being vigilant about my energy system.

When ever I find a kink, immediately recify before it blows up my fuse. Keep tabs of any small emotional disturbances and reaction which I may otherwise over look or ignore. Because they keep adding up the day. and create that jetlagged effect, because my mind has been flying every where thru the day! It is actually a fatigued mind.

So I need to take care of my mind, by resolving to not over stress or it will burn out as it has low threshold point right now.

When I find the temerature rising or something unsettling happening within I just HAVE to take a break and heal my mind FIRST. or it will collapse sooner or later.

In my drivenness I push my self too much. Sometimes I psyc myself up towards doing things I dont want to. and that is again CONTROL I rebel against so often when it is external.IRonical.

So I need to stand up for my self and say NO to myself at times, to my driveness and perfectionsm and hardiness.

And call for help the moment I realise I need it. NOT ignore my own cry for help, as I did all those years. If I cant take it, I cant take it. Period.

In my perfectionism and yes that fear of failing to do it right can be very exhausting. So I am learning to take a break from all of that. As someone suggested being good to myself, my mind and my energy system.

And most of all keep energising my self thru the day. By doing things I enjoy. If I am not enjoying than I am not only doing it wrong but harming my fragile energy system.

Whenever I dont meditate in the morning to fill myself with fresh energy or just to clear my system up, I get progressively drained through the day.

So what I did today was I took a break in the middle of working hour, went for short walk. And since I work from home I danced a bit on my favourite soothing music, and did some Taichi. So before I work I need to work on myself! ;) This will be my daily practise now!

Something that centres me or takes my mind of myself, so that Universe can heal me in those moments.

And when I find I am at peace once again. everything goes right once again. I get the call from the person I was fretting to call. Universe is more generous and caring than we think. And the work that was making my energies so turbid was not so urgent after all. Nothing is a matter of life and death as I make it to be.

I need to make myself the priority at all times, which means my energy system..When I am at peace..wow it feels good.

If I just take it easy things will happen more easily. Universe seems to be working with me, in harmony with me.

Just because I am in harmony with myself.

Thank you guys
 
My worst enemy is myself. Nobody can abuse me as much as I have.

I have been abuse: emotionally, physically, and sexually. I stayed. I went back for more. I wanted more. Why? Because in my mind I 'deserved' it and it was less than I was less than I was alrighty doing to myself. (With the exception of the first time)

I am my own worst abuser. Which I think is very typical.
 
Bill as I read your post I also read something similar on myss.com, expert section


Originally posted by Bill_1965:
I went back for more. I wanted more. Why? [/QB]
Click to expand...
If you were abused as a child, there is a tendency to seek abusive people because the child learns a confusing language of love.
-- from myss.com
what do you say? ...this has got me thinking...
 
I have been abuse: emotionally, physically, and sexually.
Click to expand...
Bill, thats something ide be afraid I see. Confirmation that this happens. The sexually part is where the issue is. You seek it out?
So do I. I dont know why, self abuse? Why does hurting yourself feel so good? At what point did pain and pleasure switch roles?
It feels good to hurt. How the hell can I live like this?
 
You seek it out? Not intentionally. Subconsciously. There is that little need to seek out confirmation of the internal feelings. However wrong they may be. This is where the self abuse comes in. Paying attention only to the negative feelings, seeking out confirmation of those feelings.

Why does hurting yourself feel so good? It affirms the negative feeling within.

At what point did pain and pleasure switch roles? They didn't. When the exterior pain is less than the internal pain, it doesn't hurt as much. The internal pain trumps out the external.

How the hell can I live like this? I couldn't, not anymore. That's why I started therapy. That's why I sought this place out. I'm done living like that. The Committee of Assholes has had its say long enough, now it is my turn to have my say. The way it should have been all my life. Now is the time to shut the Committee's voice and listen to the real me. I'm not even a slight portion of the asshole they have called me for years. Why is it that we are so prone to believe something negative over something positive? Human nature?
 
I think we belive the negitive because so much time been spent there.

When something positive happens I find myself waiting for the bottom to fall out, if it dosnt
then I help it to.

You know the hardest part to understand for me is why I do this even when REALLY dont want to.

By the way I also love control, to see whats been said here is almost scary.
It's like looking into a mirror reading same of
the postings. Thank you...I feal less alone.
 
Originally posted by Bill_1965:
....This is where the self abuse comes in. Paying attention only to the negative feelings, seeking out confirmation of those feelings.
Click to expand...
Bill your thought has stunned me, this is what I have been doing all my life. Looking for proof that I have done something wrong.

Yesterday I went shopping and once back I kept on looking for proof that I have made bad choices. bought too much, wrong colour, over indulged...May be I did...And kept on beating myself for that. Suddenly nothing fits me, the colours are too bright etc.

God! There must be some light in this.
 
Originally posted by Mike Church:
My gosh you guys could all be writing about me. I was the ultimate control freak. I could even read control in innocent remarks by others. For expample my wife would say " Lets go to x this weekend" and that switch would be turned on in my brain. "Dont try and control me". I have had difficulty with authority and that all my life. It goes to where and how my abuse occured and that the others were in authority and control.

I know realize that it was a defence mechanism in me that kept others (any others) at bay. it was part of my wall. Not only did it keep others away it also helped to lock me in isolation.

Thankfully I dont do that anymore. I still have my moments but I can recognize it now and turn off that damned switch. I have not figured out the electricial part of it to remove it but I am working on it.

That is why trust is such a huge thing with us and why we find it so difficult to do even though it is a part of every human being. To trust, belong, be loved and to do it all back to others.

The journey does get more interesting does it not. ;)
Click to expand...
Somedays I can come to this board and I feel like you all are telepathic. So much of what is said can apply to me as well. I feel like an iddiot cause I am sitting here thinking "me too".
My biggest problem is that my fear of failure almost so strong that it blocks me from doing anything. I am getting past it with the help of Paxil. But it still is an issue. Everytime I do something I find myself second guessing my self. Which sucks to all hell when you are a control freak like me.
 
Glen, it is not telepathy, it is just realising, you were not the only one who has had all these mind boggling shit thoughts throughout the years.

My biggest problem is that my fear of failure almost so strong that it blocks me from doing anything.
Click to expand...
My mind was so hurt as a kid, it now races around so fast, it is like lightning, but the fear of failure sure keeps me from going places.

I tend to block out things to slow my mind, I am almost on top of it right now, and I am going to keep it away.

None of us who come here deserved a microbe of this shit, it made us feel worthless and alone through childhoods where we had great opportunity lost through what happened. The sooner we realise our true selves, then we can go forward and live our lives in comfort, and find those lost opportunities.

Best wishes,

ste
 
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