the depressing quest for my inner child

[pattom]

POSSIBLE TRIGGER ALERT

"the hardest thing of all is to find a black cat in a dark room, especially if there is no cat. - confucius

at therapy this week, my T suggested i try and get in touch with my inner child. i replied that im not sure i have one. he said, of course you do! considering the way my outer child was treated, would my inner child really want to come out of hiding? does little boy patrick still exist? is he alive somewhere inside me? my T is sure that he is in there. im somewhat skeptical. but i am open-minded enough to start the quest to find him.

so how does one go about finding their inner child? i have no clue. since i didnt know what else to do, i took out some old photos to at least get a handle on who i was. there arent many pictures of me as a kid. i am the youngest of five, the baby of the family. these few images are a sparce documentation of my life as a child. even with so few choices, i found two photos that seemed appropriate to ponder over. the first was taken when i was five, the second when i was eleven. it seems that these two images "bookend" my sexual abuse. at least as far as i know so far, i believe you guys know what i mean there.

i studied the image of my five year old self carefully. it appears that this photo was taken at a wedding or some kind of party... definitely a celebration. to be honest, i was a cute kid. more than that, i was pretty. this is not me being egotistical. i heard that a lot as a little boy. i remember the comments from my mother's friends, "you're too pretty to be a boy." "he has longer eyelashes than i do, are you sure hes not a girl?" "you should just put him in a dress, no boy should be that cute." i remember being really annoyed at these comments. after all, boys arent supposed to be pretty. looking at this photo, i still dont see what they saw. this five year old is all boy. at least thats what i see. but then i have always been aware of my penis, so maybe im biased. the little boy in the picture is very tan. i can deduce that he spent a lot of time outside. his short cropped hair is almost blond. hes sporting a big toothy grin, clearly showing baby teeth still in place. the big brown eyes, i believe, show some mischief behind them. my shoulders are back, and i am so rockin' the plaid blazer and clip on tie. it looks like im having fun. so apparently this is what i looked like as a happy little boy. this is "before."

the photo of my eleven year old self tells a different story. this little boy is in the living room of my childhood house, sitting in a rocking chair. the smile is fake and forced. the eyes look empty, and there are faint dark circles under them. this little boy's color is pale, more than pale, almost gray. his dark hair is greasy and uncombed. and he is way overdue for a haircut. his shoulders now slump forward a bit. his head is lowered slightly, it almost looks like im looking up toward the camera. i recognized that expression on my younger self. its the same face i see in the mirror now. thats what shame looks like. even then, i had shame all over me. and damnit... im not pretty anymore. there is no spark anywhere. so then this is what i look like as a sad little boy. this is "after." f***, it seems that by the time i was eleven, i had already given up.

if i didnt know better, its almost like im looking at two different people. oh... wait... they are two different people. the eleven year old me i know all too well. he is the foundation my whole life has been built on. the most heartbreaking, for me, is the image of my five year old self. within a year of when this picture was taken, everything changed for him... for me. on the surface, i can see that we look the same. but he might as well be a stranger. who is this tan, blond haired, laughing five year old boy? i dont know him. i barely have any memory of him at all. he's gone. he's been gone for 44 years.

there was no rescue, and it appears that this child's disappearance went largely unnoticed. no one mourned the passing of this pretty little boy. his death was not a physical one, but everything else about him was crushed. and because of that, there is nothing about who i was at five years old that is reflected in my life right now. not one f***ing thing. that is so not fair... i need him... now more than ever.

i dont get it. its not rocket science. my children are the light of my life. my wife and i are not only loving parents. we are our daughters protectors, their advocates. i am a f***ing amazing dad. thats one of the few things in my life i know to be true. i would give up my own life to save my girls. was there no one to love me like that when i was a little boy? did anybody notice that i was different? that i changed? that i was gone? did anyone miss me? did anybody at least wonder what the f*** happened? were the physical and emotional wounds not visible enough? where were my protectors and advocates? did anyone really look at me? did anyone f***ing care that everything that made me that mischievous little boy had vanished? i just dont see how this laughing little boy could exist anymore. is this part of me really dead?

i dont know how to do this. where do i start? there are no inner milk cartons for lost inner children. i cant gather an inner posse to look for him. how do i send out an inner amber alert? i remember my mother would stand on our front porch and bellow my name across my neighborhood to find me. is that what i have to do? get on my inner front porch to yell for my inner child to come back? this f***ing sucks.

im sorry guys, i didnt mean to go on a rant. well it didnt start as rant. i am stuck. i dont know what to do. my T says im doing "great" work. nothing feels great about any of this. all of this two steps forward, three steps back bulls*** is wearing me down. i don't expect any answers guys. i dont even know how to close out this message. so im just going to stop.

thanks for listening.

patrick

p.s. forgive the lower case letters. im doing all of this on my ipad. i just dont have it in me to go back and edit.

 

[don64]

Hi Patrick,

I find that if I say I'm going to do whatever, say "find my inner child," approaching it that directly immediately engages all the resources of what is afraid of that material surfacing. However, saying "I'm willing to find my inner child" doesn't engage any opposition. I've been using that with great success for several years now.

My experience is none of my experience is ever gone, but sometimes I have to be crafty in helping it see a way to surface. Force never works for me.

BTW, there are some great "Songs for the Inner Child" by Shaina Noll. Not sure about spelling of the performing artist's name. But, you can find some of them on youtube. Listening to them always pierces my protective veils and sends such love to my inner child.

Sending you love and support,

Don

 

[Nothing Man]

Patrick,

I am in a boat similar to yours. My therapist had a way for me to talk to my inner child: I switched seats and "became" that child and that child talked to me. He wanted to know why nobody protected him, why I let myself become an alcoholic and why I had screwed my life up so badly. I switched seats again and replied to him that I was so sorry for all the pain he went through and that I suffered too. I apologized for turning into a drunk and pointed out that I had become sober nearly 10 years ago and had become a very good husband and father.

We are both there. I recently broke off all contact with my brother and his family when my nephew, 12, hit my daughter, 14, in the face and called her a bitch. He did not apologize and my brother and sister-in-law did not make him - they claimed that either a) it was no big deal or b) it never happened. I stood up for my daughters in a way that nobody ever did for me when I was growing up as a child plagued by CSA.

Take strength from the fact that you are there for your family and would do anything for them to thrive. It is worthy of an affirmation to yourself: "I have become the responsible and caring adult that I lacked when I was a child."

Peace, Mike

 

[traveler]

Patrick -

i was also frustrated and mystified by all the talk about the inner child. i felt like i had been the adult version of myself back as far as i could remember - far too early - in what should have been my childhood. i could not imagine how to get in touch with my child self - or why i would want to. he was the weak and pathetic one that i despised because of what had happened to him and all that he represented. i intentionally had tried to forget him and leave him behind.

but i was willing to try - so i wrote him a letter. i would have felt silly and self-conscious trying to do it out loud - though i am sure there could be value in that for some people. i wrote everything that i wish someone had told him/me as a kid. everything that i needed a parent or safe grown-up to tell him/me. i didn't really try to get him to reply or expect any answer. it wasn't anything that i felt like i could force - or i would just be making it up like a fictitious fantasy scenario.

that was it. or so i thought.

later - he took me by surprise. by chance i found an old photo that i hadn't seen in years. it was from the worst time of my life - a period i had tried to distance myself from. and i saw him with new eyes. it was as if my present adult self was seeing him as i would have seen another kid who was hurting. i felt compassion and empathy and a connection. i began to love him and want to protect and help and encourage him. it was a weird feeling - almost paternal but also as though i was the one being embraced and accepted and comforted. i think there was also an element of forgiveness involved - my adult self seeking his forgiveness for abandoning him and also forgiving him for being the needy victim. it was very healing.

i don't obsess about this or feel like i need to have daily conversations with my inner child or anything like that. but i feel like we are now there for each other and respect and value one another. i now keep a photo of him where i can see it - just like i do with my own kids. more a feeling of approaching wholeness.

i don't know if any of this is helpful. the experience is probly different for different people - but that is how it worked for me. there were a couple of other threads on this topic recently. they may be helpful, too.

i wish you well,
LEE & lee

 

[just me]

(((((Patrick)))))

We are here for you!

And the way you went from focusing on the pain and shame of childhood and how you are a great dad....says a lot. We are not defined by our life's difficulties but how we survive, grow, thrive (and sometimes stumble) afterward. You are a great dad and a great man...doing very difficult work right now.

 

[pattom]

thanks, guys for your concern and encouragement. i just wanted to drop a quick message to let everyone know that im ok. im sad, confused, pissed off, but ok. i finally reread my original message this morning. i really unloaded a s*** load on you guys didnt i? im not sure how i feel about that. im pretty good at articulating my feelings. and because thats easy for me, i think i throw too much out there sometimes. but if i dont do that, then i cant be open to new ideas and suggestions. which you guys have offered in abundance. know that your kind words and reassurance has helped. because today, i had an epiphany of sorts. i am still processing what that means. know that its positive. when i have clarity i will post an update.

once again... thanks
patrick

 

[genedebs]

Dear pattom,

I am terrible about expressing my emotions. I am glad you can share more clearly for all of us. My T did not support the idea of an inner child. However, when we did talk about it, I felt that my inner child was weak, vulnerable, and I hated him. I wanted to hurt him because he could not stand up for himself.

Your ability to father your children without your past intruding is a tribute to your journey toward recovery.

Go with God.

 

[newground]

hey pattom
I have always had trouble with the idea of the inner child. when I went to the weekend of recovery they were talking about the inner child and when my time came to talk I was so angry all I could say is "I hate that guy!" I have still not worked it through but I have heard from the little guy and it still makes me cry when I read what came out. He really did all that he knew to do. he didn't have the tools to do any more. I don't know where I was going with this really just to say you are not alone
Jeff

 

[Dave PNW]

...

 

[Still]

I had a hard time with the "inner-child" concept as well. I took it as a bunch of wimpy psycho-babble. I never "got it," until one day...I got it.

For me, I had to recognize what and who he was. That he was profoundly in awe of the world around him, and that he died...fundamentally died, when he was devoured. He was as good as buried as well.

Once I established the elements of a beautiful, wondrous life of a child's life, I was able to actually speak to him. I'll say that again, as it is important: "I was able to speak to him."

This can get very very rough and emotional, but if you end-up a bawling mess, you know you've found him.

With your children, you witnessed babies->children, and the innocence therein. So you know it does exist and it did exist within you. Waking up that little guy can be very very rough, but only you know if it can be done and if it ought to be done.

One method, if you need it: Place a large teddybear in a chair. Face each other. Talk.

 

[sorryson]

I have talked with my couselor about the inner child. He tells me we all have one. He said from the abuse and my experiences with my family I have a child that is stuck as a child. He is hurt and needs me to find and accept him. I do not know how. We are working on it. He said I will find him in my pain, once I let it out. I am scared to find more pain. I have so much right now. He told me to get an old photo about the time I was abused. I found one. I looked at it and remembered it was before I was abused. I looked so happy. There was another picture at Christmas after the abuse, I looked sad. It scared me. My counselor is trying to help me find him. I know I hid the abuse and pretended it did not happen. I pretended so much of what happened did not happen, the priest, Mama's absences, Dad's heart attack, what Mama, my sister and brother and I did to Dad. I remember some and feel sick when I think about it. Will the child inside me make me see everything?

 

[don64]

Hi Sorryson,

My inner child believes he is bad, mean, dirty, hurtful, awful, etc., etc., etc.

None of this is true. It is what he was taught.

And, I do everything in my power to love him, care for him, and make him feel safe so he can re-grow in a healthy environment.

I've only been consciously doing this for a few months, and it is working. I observe my damaged thinking changing. I observe myself getting stronger as ME.

It sounds to me like you are getting the support you need. And, yes, I believe in time that uncovering what is hidden does reveal everything. IMO, it is not a process that can be rushed.

Best of luck to you,

Don

 

[justplainme]

For me, I had to recognize what and who he was. That he was profoundly in awe of the world around him, and that he died...fundamentally died, when he was devoured. He was as good as buried as well.

Same happened to me.

 

[pattom]

thanks for all of the support, insight and encouragement. the road to recovery for me appears to be full of potholes and cover with s***. getting better is the hardest thing i have ever done. if it wasnt for you guys, i would have abandoned my recovery by now. thats as true as it gets.

when i sent the original post i had no idea where it would lead. it has been an interesting week. its been a roller coaster ride. i did have a breakthrough, just not the positive one i thought was coming. well thats really not entirely true. its positive because its progress, but the reality that i uncovered is really sobering and sad. my t agrees that this may be the right way to go, but if i go in this direction it means that the road will get rougher. that scares the s*** out of me.

after i posted my original message, i had what i thought was an epiphany. i even mentioned this in one of replies. i think this revelation was a good connection to my childhood, but it wasnt the game changer i thought it was, because of what happened next...

it seems like as soon as i pressed "send" the support and encouragement started raining down upon me. for that i am most grateful. but one message i received helped me see everything from a new perspective. our friend traveler (lee) sent me a pm full of support, encouragement and insight. within that message he posted a couple of links to threads about inner child work. one of the threads was this:

https://www.malesurvivor.org/board/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Main=66113&Number=462278#Post462278

for me this was a powerful read. i really connected with his story about his passport photo. i think it moved me because my own exploration involved photos of my younger self. his description of what happened as the photo was taken really hit home. it was then that i got it. i had a proverbial lightbulb moment... im looking in the wrong direction. in my pursuit of little boy patrick, all of my original attention was focused on the happy boy. this is the child i was really hoping to find. when i look at him, the pretty little boy i was, there clearly is nothing i can do for him. his fate was sealed not long after this photo was taken. i would very much like to know what it felt like to be carefree and joyful, but thats really about it. my anger over this image is because i cant save him. i cant stop what is about to happen to him.

the only one i can save is me. thats the boy in the other picture. hes the one who was f***ed over, literally and figuratively. you can see it all over him. and its still all over me now. he is my inner child. and he is very much alive. i see him and feel him everyday. i just didnt want to admit it. i was letting my desire for a happier ending block the truth. so in essence he was rejected again.

but just as lee did, im trying to see my younger self with new eyes. this photo was taken at ground zero, within months, or during, the most violent part of my CSA. i see it all. im not just seeing all of that pain, im feeling it too. its all coming back up... the fear, anger, betrayal, grief, sadness, and the huge void of loneliness and isolation. and oh my god, the f***ing shame. it feels like im drowning in all of it sometimes. in the past i would always suppress these feelings. i cant do that anymore. im going to have to embrace them for awhile. no one validated my feelings when i was a child. im going to have to do that now. the only way out is through this f***ing minefield.

it appears as though i found him. thats is major. my t calls that a breakthrough. i thought that breakthroughs were cause for celebration. this is not a high five moment for me. the truth is sad, and it hurts.

at therapy on monday, i discovered something else. its so simple yet powerful. the reason i am here today is because little boy patrick decided that staying alive was important, even with all of the baggage weighing him down. i now know that i was powerless. there was absolutely nothing i could do to stop my sexual use and abuse. the only thing i could do was survive it. the bravest thing i did was stay alive. when i look at this photo now, with new eyes, i can see that courage. and clearly, i was not a freak. there was nothing repulsive about me at all. i was just a little boy walking through hell.

this has been an intense week. i posed the following questions in a few PMs. i have to throw it out there to everyone. im not sure if im looking for reassurance or proof. when i started my recovery journey all i said i wanted was peace. so i have to ask, all of you guys who are further along in your recovery, are you at peace with your CSA? is that even possible?

thanks for listening

patrick

 

[Obi]

I'll put it to you this way.

I find that starting in recovery is the hardest part. It is incredibly scary, full of landmines and is difficult. It is a long journey as well. To be honest, it SUCKS!

but....

you will start to get some results. Hang onto them no matter how huge or small those results are. These are the stepping stones towards going farther in your recovery.

keep sharing and keep asking from other survivors here. We do understand and are more than willing to help. Also hang onto hope and believe in yourself and the process. Take it one step at a time. You are going to make it.

I believe in you and have faith in you.

there is peace. You have to work hard through some of the scariest and toughest crap ever, but you can, and will, come out on the other side with more peace in your life.

 

[don64]

Hi Patrick,

I'm at peace with the process. Not at peace much of the time. I'm worth every ounce of effort I have to give to myself. No one can do this but me. If my last breath is in healing all the damage done to me, I will consider this a very successful lifetime. There is an overall peacefulness and confidence that builds in me as I continue to do this work, and experience positive changes in myself. I read somewhere that strength and stamina are one. I have to pace myself.

Sending you support.

Don

 

[Still]

...are you at peace with your CSA? is that even possible?

At peace with [the] CSA? NFW

Is it possible? NFW, not for me. I can be more at peace if I stop trying to reach a state that is not reachable. I've had to face that "some damage is just plain permanent!"

 

[pufferfish]

This is a quest a lot of us have. It's one of the symptoms most survivors experience.

To me it's been a huge item. I experienced terrible abuse for almost 2 weeks when I was 12. I "remembered" the abuse I experienced when I was in mid forties. I started soon after that with therapy. However, I soon realized that I had some deep residual problems. After several years of therapy I felt strongly as though I was 2 people. I was the adult me, and I was the child me about 12 years old. This wasn't just whistling dixie, either. The child me had been secluded and now wanted to be the one who was running the show. To let that happen would risk making a lot of mistakes in front of people. People just can't accept having a grown man who acts like a child.

This situation wore on and on for perhaps 20 years (yes you heard right). Then I found EMDR therapy. The EMDR lifted most of this burden. It seems that the feeling of being a kid was locked in because of trauma I experienced when I was 12. I have written this up as pufferfish story part 5. It was brutal abuse and I don't necessarily recommend that anybody read it unless you know you can handle it. The abusive events went on for almost 2 weeks. Each day of the abuse held 1 or 2 major abusive events. The therapist went through these with a session devoted to each one. In each session I faced a major abusive event. I felt really bad right afterward but in several days the burden lifted and stayed lifted.

So, it worked. It untied that knot and I no longer felt like the child. At least not in the same way.

Puffer

 

[sorryson]

Don

I believed I was bad, I let the priest touch me, put his thing where it should not have been. I believed I was bad so Mama left us to get away from us. I thought I was responsible for my Dad's heart attack. I guess with being abandoned by Mama and everything else it was my fault. I never thought this until my breakdown four years ago. I always thought it was Dad's fault. I was told all bad came from him but he was the only one who was always there. Why, I just wanted love.

I am only beginning to understand I was taught to think this way. I wanted to think this way so I would not believe I was the bad. I am learning I did believe I was the bad and it was pushed into the inner child. I killed part of me trying to protect those that hurt me. I wanted to be loved.

I cannot shake these feeling. My counselor says in time I will undersand. I hate the feelings I have for myself. I want to die thinking I hurt Dad and myself.

Everyone says I will feel better once I accept all of this. But I cry and hurt when I try. I do not want to give u. My wife is my pillar and my childrena sre my rocks. I do not want to hurt them.

 

[focusedbody]

I killed part of me trying to protect those that hurt me. I wanted to be loved.

Sorryson:

This makes sense to me, as terribly painful as it is.

This is a pattern I continue to do and try to undo. It is something that probably needs to be done very, very slowly.

Letting go of that need to protect others can happen little by little. At the same time, I feel respect for the parts of me that did it to survive.

As I watch my own children struggle to say what they need, I understand this also. Again, very slowly, I do.

It can take a little extra energy to stay in a caring place for yourself, but I think it is worth it.

Peace and support to you. I hope you can find acceptance of all that is necessary to accept,

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