The "Darkness"

The "Darkness"
B

Born to Resist

Registrant
It's odd how many of us speak of the "darkness" that we live our lives in and that we knew of it before ever discussing it with anyone else.

Question: How is that many of us refer to this darkness what is it to you? If we all know about it and are all there why don't we see each other or sense each other since many of us are there?
 
I do not think that we are aware that others share similiar histories with us. While being abused we enter a state designed to protect us from harm. We enter the darkeness to protect ourself from the realities of our abuse. The abuse stops put the cloud of darkness continues to surround us until we take steps to break out of it (e.g. therapy).
 
Darknes =

anger, hiding, misstrust, timidity, lost, alone, scared, frightened, unworthy, crying, pain, confusion, not good enough, never good enough, ugly (as in not good looking), awkward, abandoned, hate, running away, no personality, unlovable, unloving, loving with nowhere for the love to go, rejected, lifeless, unhappy, tears, sorrow, acting out, shame -- so much shame

All of those things turn the victim inward. How could we possibly see each other when we are so turned inward. It is only when we finally see the light that we begin to see there are others like us, that we are not alone, that we can love and be loved for who and what we are.

I love all you guys because you are helping me see the light more and more every day. I consider you my friends even tho I've never met any of you. We are showing ourselves to each other because we are in a place where we are no longer afraid of what the other will think of us.

We have all climbed into David's clubhouse and found acceptance and friendship.

Anyhow that's how I see it, BTR.

Courage my friend,

John
 
For me the darkness was just the whole whirlwind of feelings (John has a good list above) that made me feel I was worthless and unlovable. That left me with my abuser: he was the only one who really knew me for what I was and yet still wanted me.

Darkness was the "knowledge" that the only thing I was good for was rape. I can't imagine a feeling darker than that.

Larry
 
It's difficult for me to talk about darkness, becuase I feel like I am in it right now. I just want these feelings to go away - I feel scared, lonely, lost - and pain! Physical pain.

I have a feeling this is what darkness is for me - the feeling that things are really never going to get better.

Hoping - Praying,

Jason
 
JRO,

You are not alone. I am terrified and in pain as well. In my chest.

The elders on this site (they deserve that title, they have guided me so much) say things do get better. I know that reaching out always helps me - to friends, family, MS.

I'm hoping an praying with you, my brother. I really am.
 
Won't read the others before I write. Love is light. Love is warmth. Love is what the baby seeks...all it knows is the kind touch, the soothing voice...the warmth...the love....the trust. All is connected to the light, because we come to it from the darkness. It must be so frightening at first, a shock a part of us can never forget, and then the soothing touch....we are somehow safe...protected...life is good.

And then it's not. My trust was taken at a very early age by my father. My safety shattered by one who was supposed to be my protector. Where does one go when the protector is now the perpetrator...the protection now the danger? Back into the darkness. Better to cut off everything than to be vulnerable to the horrible things that were done to us. Better to shut down all senses than to take a chance that our love, our trust, the most basic, sacred things about us could be ravaged ever again. Better to retreat to the darkness....our darkness. And there we stay in fear....alone....safe....in anguish....afraid to reach out....afraid to touch, because there's a chance that it will be "the" touch...again. We cannot take a chance on being hurt like that again. It almost killed us the first time, and most certainly will kill us off the second....kill all that is left of our being anyway. And so we wait there in the dark, our false selves going on with life somehow, looking through those eyes that watch the world for signs of safety, signs of help, signs of love. Perhaps someone will touch us and bring us back to life, when we had declared ourselves dead.

And we never dreamed that there were others who shared our darkness. When we closed ourselves off, it was from everyone and every thing. How could anyone else have possibly suffered the things we suffered, been violated so deeply, treated so wrongly, used so horribly? Looking for someone else in the darkness was the last thing we would have thought to do.

And then we found someone else....someone just like us....someone watching....waiting....needing...wary of any life form with the power to hurt. But we sensed it. There was something there.....something familiar....something we felt....other eyes peering at us from their own darkness?

And then we knew that there were others....like beings....those who understood....there all along. But it had been so dark, and we so frightened, so injured, we had not seen them...had not dared to look.

And now we know. And, as we slowly emerge into the light, and find more and more beings like ourselves, we cannot help but look around, try to search behind other eyes, for others like ourselves, peering out from fear, needing help. We understand their darkness. We've lived there....visit there at times even now....and would like nothing more than to take their hands and help them begin their journies towards the light.
 
Thanks to all of you, youve giving me something to think about.

For me the darkness is every negative emotion and thought that Ive had since my abuse began. I say every because although Ive experienced negative emotions and thoughts caused by every day life its been worsened, compounded, or exponential because of the abuse. Its knowing that the most unassuming people are capable of acts of evil. It seems like a living hell that I had to endure alone one that I must fight because I dont deserve to live this way. I really dont know why we dont see or sense each other I defer to others opinions on this thread about that. Im just glad that through disclosing, this board, and my group meetings that I am no longer alone in knowing the darkness and the pain.

This thread sparks another question What is the difference between the darkness and the pain we so often refer to? For me the pain that I feel today is all the negative emotions I felt during and right after the abusive incidents. It just doesnt seem to go away or at least it is suppressed and then overwhelms me later. What is your take on the distinction between the darkness and the pain?

Courage-Wisdom-Spirituality
 
For me the distinction between pain and darkness is fogged. Until I realised that I was in pain, I couldn't identify that I was in darkness. Everything seemed to be OK around me for a very long time.

Once the pain started to work it's way to the surface again, I then realised how dark things had been.

Darkness isn't just a lack of daylight - it's a fear of the lack of enlightenment in others! If they new - how would they treat us - that's the fear!

Best wishes ...Rik
 
Okay, BtR, I'm beginning to define pain as the way my mind hurts when I try to think about your questions. Really, though, you are causing me to think today...question. That's always a good thing. I find out so much about what I think when someone makes me think it.

For me, I think it's an inside/outside thing. The darkness surrounds me on the outside. It keeps me safe, but it also keeps me isolated, alone. The darkness presses from the outside in and brings with it depression, sadness, loneliness, all of the things we associate with the dark.

The pain comes from within. It comes from remembering what he did. Much of it is the direct physical result of what he did...rehurting, so to speak, feeling once again the actual act...flashbacks. The other is the realization of the betrayal of trust and love....the loss of self....the loss of any sense of worth...the loss of hope...the loss of the ability to accept love, to trust love, even to seek love. That hits me right in the center of the stomach....doubles me over sometimes...causes me to sit/lay in the fetal position. It is and it isn't a physical pain. I don't understand it exactly. It feels like real pain, and yet, it doesn't. But it hurts so badly sometimes. And the only way to help it is to get it up and out, anyway you can....push it, throw it, scream it, out into the darkness.

Yeah, tonight anyway, that's what it is....darkness is from the outside/in....pain is from the inside/out. I'm sure I'll come back tomorrow to read the other responses and read this and think "What were you thinking?" But tonight, it feels okay.
 
for me, the darkness is in the denial, the "unknowing" state where I withdrew for decades, pretending that "nothing happened," I wasn't a victim, I was "in control" (at age 12). The pain (and the anger)came in for me when I finally realized that I had been hanging on to a bullshit self image all my adult life.
Thanks for the chance to vent today.
 
Darkness for me is hiding from reality. By our abusers, we were taught to stay in the darkness so no one could see us, feel us, or even love us. The problem is that we lived in darkness for so long, a lot of us are still affraid to enter the light. Were affraid people will know us for what we really are. We don't want to be exposed. Well inspite of my abusers, now I choose to walk out and yell "Here I Am! Look at Me!" I feel strong and free when I say that. Tomorrow I feel different but today, I feel like being in the light. Yea, I have wounds, weaknesses, and some intentions that aren't always for the best. Thats called being human. Running around telling every person I see that I was raped as a child doesn't do it for me but the more I step into the light, the more I feel like I am real and have a person. Slowly, I don't feel as much like I'm on the outside looking in. AH, the ups and downs of recovery.
 
You must log in or register to reply here.
Back
Top