The Continual Repercussions--maybe triggers
ForeverFighting
Registrant
I'm new to this web site, and I'm so amazed at the terrible problems you've faced and yet, here you are doing your work, facing the evils, and surviving.
Compared to the posts here, I feel like my history is nothing. My dad was demanding, mean, scary, controlling--what have you. He's recently told me that he thought if I had been born a different child (to be read as "a girl") we would have gotten along better. He did get along with my sister. I was born a musician and an artist--he was a jock. He beat and intimidated. His brother who lived with us for a while SA me. I was the tool for his MB. We lived in the middle of the woods--I had no friends, nobody to go to, and my mom is so judgemental and "perfect" I couldn't have told her in a million years. The only hero I had was my grandfather (mom's side) whom they took away when I was little. Nobody told me he had died.
I survived by playing mind-reader (be what dad wants before he wants it), which led to playing the part of the boy who liked what Uncle was doing. I finally got out of the house and married 15 years ago. I disintigrated 3 years after that, ended up in hospitals, DID, it was a mess. Thanks to my amazing wife who stuck with me through that. After years of therapy, my life is relatively normal. I've confronted my dad and my mom. My uncle denies everything and lives in a fancy house on the hill. There's no point to going there.
What frustrates me is how easily it all comes back. I have people over for dinner, and the mind-reader comes out for two days afterward, torturing me with "Did I do this right? Did they see through me?" I spend time with men, (which this post is a big step here, guys) and I wonder if they can see what a weak and bad person I really am. I know I'm not, but it's ingrained. Like every person here, I just wish I could forget. Or remember. Or not worry about what that guy over there is thinking about me, because they're not all predators. They're not all violent or lustful.
So I spend my days after doing anything requiring a social skill repeating every word I've said, every look I gave, replaying it as if I could change something to make it better. Yeah, that sounds familiar. Replaying it to make the SA go away.
Generally staying in the background, and definitely not adding new topics,
ForeverFighting
Compared to the posts here, I feel like my history is nothing. My dad was demanding, mean, scary, controlling--what have you. He's recently told me that he thought if I had been born a different child (to be read as "a girl") we would have gotten along better. He did get along with my sister. I was born a musician and an artist--he was a jock. He beat and intimidated. His brother who lived with us for a while SA me. I was the tool for his MB. We lived in the middle of the woods--I had no friends, nobody to go to, and my mom is so judgemental and "perfect" I couldn't have told her in a million years. The only hero I had was my grandfather (mom's side) whom they took away when I was little. Nobody told me he had died.
I survived by playing mind-reader (be what dad wants before he wants it), which led to playing the part of the boy who liked what Uncle was doing. I finally got out of the house and married 15 years ago. I disintigrated 3 years after that, ended up in hospitals, DID, it was a mess. Thanks to my amazing wife who stuck with me through that. After years of therapy, my life is relatively normal. I've confronted my dad and my mom. My uncle denies everything and lives in a fancy house on the hill. There's no point to going there.
What frustrates me is how easily it all comes back. I have people over for dinner, and the mind-reader comes out for two days afterward, torturing me with "Did I do this right? Did they see through me?" I spend time with men, (which this post is a big step here, guys) and I wonder if they can see what a weak and bad person I really am. I know I'm not, but it's ingrained. Like every person here, I just wish I could forget. Or remember. Or not worry about what that guy over there is thinking about me, because they're not all predators. They're not all violent or lustful.
So I spend my days after doing anything requiring a social skill repeating every word I've said, every look I gave, replaying it as if I could change something to make it better. Yeah, that sounds familiar. Replaying it to make the SA go away.
Generally staying in the background, and definitely not adding new topics,
ForeverFighting
