The "come here - go away dance"

[MikeNY]

I am trying to help a survivor of CSA to understand a few things about their reactions as a survivor to emotions. What I've been trying to reference is the way that a survivor will react the same way to things that are good and positive as they do to things that are bad and negative. Plus, all of the turmoil and confusion that this causes. I was looking over the posts trying to find one that I remember that involved a lot of information about the "Come here - Go away dance". I also think that it would be helpful for this survivor to see this information from more sources than just me. Unfortunately, I couldn't find the post. So, I am asking people to please post what they would be comfortable sharing on the subjects of the dance, self fulfilling (defeating) prophecy, and the triggering of reactions to emotions and emotions from triggers. I have forwarded some articles, but I think a more personal touch would be helpful too.
Thank you.

 

[SAR]

Mike

I don't know if you were looking for either of these but here you go:

https://www.malesurvivor.org/cgi-local/ultimatebb.cgi?ubb=get_topic;f=2;t=000489
https://www.malesurvivor.org/cgi-local/ultimatebb.cgi?ubb=get_topic;f=2;t=000483

Actually I couldn't find the one I think you were looking for either.

Best to you and your friend
SAR

 

[SeeingMe]

"No good deed goes unpunished" is what I hear a lot! This leads to the anything goes behavior sometimes. Push-pull dance in my experienece comes from two things. One, not trusting fully but maybe wanting to. Two, fear of the pattern of bad things repeating itself. It usually does, often manipulated to that end (self-fulfilling prophecy?). I hope this makes sense.

 

[PAS]

Yep - the WOBBLE rears its ugly head under stress.

The "wobble" or the "push-pull" or "go away-come here" dance is a natural psychological reaction to extreme stress and anxiety of any kind. Thats why the beahaviours of those suffering from trauma are so hard to understand - no consistency... wide swings between extremes of mood, behaviour, needs, etc.... "Go away - come here - I love you - I hate you - no wait I love you - no wait I hate you - no wait please don't leave me - ok you bug me get out of my face - I'm OK - I'm the worst person in the world - maybe things will be ok - maybe not - I need this - I need that - no I don't - yes I do.. "

The only thing you can do is try to stay your own course until it settles down, encourage the survivor to do "self care" to help him calm down, figure out ways (therapy is best) to become more aware of "triggers" and less reactive. The problems come when the survivor does not even know he is reacting and is just "acting".

 

[Lloydy]

I know all the steps to this dance

Dave

 

[MikeNY]

Originally posted by Lloydy:
I know all the steps to this dance

Dave

Unfortunately, the person that I am helping knows them too, and has lived them as much as we have, but has not really seen them ummmm for a lack of a better term, validated by others. Would you please add some details so that I may share them.

Thank you.

 

[Lloydy]

Mike
the steps I know best are the 'go away' steps.
If my wife showed any sign of affection or closeness when I wasn't prepared for it I would do anything to destroy the moment. The easiest thing was to create a small argument and then transfer the blame onto her.
And I still have times when I do this, they aren't as commont and I do recognise them as they start so I can stop them, but somehow the triggers are still around.

For me it's intimacy and making love, if she comes across the kitchen looking as though she wants a cuddle I suddenly remember the dishwasher needs emoptying, in bed it's me that has the headaches.
It is improving, but the underlying reasons still linger, I associate the intimicy I long for with fact that that my first kiss was with a boy I loathed at the time. Hugs lead to kissing. Kissing leads to sex, and kissing is a part of sex.
So I do the dance.

I dance the other way to get what I want, and again it was something I was very good at. I have a lot of nice stereo, camera's and toys. I became nice and friendly, made advances then took adavantage.
Emotional blackmail, not nice.

I don't 'use' the dance any more, the triggers might start it but my whole outlook has changed now and I halt the process. The result is that I remain emotionally neutral, but like everything it's something we talk about and try to work through between us.
The love is there, neither of us doubts that. It's the twisted logic in my mind that doesn't allow it to keep in time to the music.

Dave