the closer we get mentally, the further our bodies!

the closer we get mentally, the further our bodies!
B

beautifuldisaster

Registrant
WARNING......POSSIBLE TRIGGERS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

First, I want to say that I feel that God has blessed me today finding this site.
The past 2.5 years has been a wonderful and scary time in my life. In the middle of my divorce (I am 36 with 3 kids) I was introduced to the man of my dreams. He was separated. We both had been married for a decade.
My marriage was more average, a home and kids. Same city with family all around. My ex and I grew apart.
His marriage rotated around the military and where ever they sent him. The never had children, she battled bulimia and alcoholism. They were split up for several months out of each year they were married. They lived a life rich in flings, booze and her idea of going to confession weekly to "erase" her sins.
This man however was the rock of the relationship, and I could see his potential. A wholesome mid-western boy with family values. The scenario didnt fit the man.
When we met 1st, it was via email...then Instant Messenger. I thought I was insane feeling feelings for someone I had never met.
It took weeks, but when we finally met in person we were on fire for one another!
We melted into a couple rather quickly, neither one afraid to face the others demons.
We had a really wonderful sex life.. I am shy when it comes to that and rather traditional.
Once in bed however, I love it all kinds of ways. Sexually he never minded taking the lead which was such a relief and really seemed to work for both of us, as he was far more aggressive.
I was in awe. We couldnt get enough of one another. We both felt we had met the one. By the way he told me he LOVED me first. I was slightly terrified of my feelings.
It was wonderful, and as we became serious...things began to evolve a bit and change.
Over time, he started picking at the way I dress. Trying to change me into what I call a librarian/lol. We are both conservative to a point....so, I fought it some....caving on certain things and not others.
Jealously reared its head some....but for the most part we have stayed pretty much on track, and have been married for over a year now.
We really enjoy each other. We are excellent partners.
Now, where our problem is, and has been stuck at for quite awhile is here.
When we first were together and getting really serious....I revealed some very personal things to him. At that time he told me something he never shared with ANYONE prior.
When he was small, about 5 years old his brother who is 8 years older than he is molested/raped him.
He never went into detail, except once and it was vague.
As time passes, our physical intimacy, lust etc has nearly diminished. I talk to him about it, and he has just last week said he will get help.
We have ironed out so much together...divorces, kids, finances, careers.......
yet we kiss like you would kiss a stranger.
If I try to get any sort of aggressive, he is turned off and says it is like a *&%$#.
Then a year ago he went on line to play games and ended up exchanging text messages with a stranger that were like the ones WE used to share.
When I found them he said we had become so complacent. That he fell into their(he and cheating ex) old pattern for a thrill.
I started putting 2 and 2 together. I see the more vunerable he becomes to me emotionally...the less physically exciting our marriage is. When I began looking this stuff up on line, I found that some males that have been molested have a predatory sexual pattern with woman after woman they follow to reassure themselves they are still "manly".
In which I conclude....he has a HUGE truck, is a cop and handles a gun far better than my dad!...and is by far the manliest man I know....which NOW i see can be a side effect of proving his manhood too.
Help!
*note he hates his brothers guts, and would beat him to a pulp before he would ever confront him!

I just dont know what to do. I feel like we both have the most awesome intentions....but unless something gives we are sitting on a time-bomb!

I thank you in advance for any helpful info!
 
Hi Beautifuldisaster, and welcome!
i'm relatively new to these boards but not to the search for answers and while i know I'll sound like a broken record here, I strongly encourage you to find Victims No Longer (the book) and maybe read chapter 22 first- the one written for us- friends & fmaily- but the whole book taught me lots. it's just comforting to make sense of it all.

Your analysis sounds right on and reminded me of some things similar with me and my BF (for lack of better term). won't go into details now but glad you found us too! An
 
meant to mention my guy joined the army to prove the manhood thing even though he would have been the last sort of guy personality wise I would have thought drawn to that- that whole manhood perception thing is huge for the guys and something I've just been beginning to understand.....
I wonder what the survivors would say, but I've really been thinking sometimes that ending the sexual part of our relationship would be a good way to go in his recovery process, but whenever I've suggested it he says it's not the problem...and I don't want to make a unilateral decision about it. Maybe when he goes back to therapy he'd consider taking it up there if I asked. it's all very confusing....
 
It was really nice to hear from you An. I have so many things going thru my head at this moment...just to have someone who understands feels like I see light at the end of the tunnel. It has been months of me questioning what I have been doing wrong to bring our relationship to where it currently stands. Somehow, just last week it all clicked and I began exploring....and see that it is indeed what our problems stemming from. I pray to God that somehow.....with my understanding and his williness we can work through this together.
Keep in touch!
 
Hello. Sorry you are in pain. HOWEVER: Please note that if you are going to venture into somewhat explicit material you MUST MUST MUST post a trigger warning on your post!!! As a FEMALE rape survivor I was aghast at the way you psoted the details of your sex life (or lack thereof). And if *I* am triggered by your writing, I can only imagine & FEAR the response of some of our Brothers who may be reading.

PLEASE try to be more sensitive!
 
Please accept my apology, I am so ignorant to this forum. This is all brand new territory to me....and to offend you hurts me. Please explain how I would MARK something with a warning.
I guess the way I spoke is all so normal to me, not realizing how insensitive it may seem to anyone else.
Believe me, I am a victim of sorts too.....and I would hope to avoid being apart of anyone elses pain!
 
Thank YOU for being very gracious.

First, to alert readers that the material may be difficult, all you need to do is put a trigger warning in the headline of the post.

If you are starting a thread, it would look like this:

****WARNING! POSSIBLE TRIGGERS!**** etc.

You can also use this as the 1st line of a reply to someone else's post.

2nd, it would be a very good idea for you to look at the MS booklist & read up on PTSD (Post Traumatic Stress Disorder) to learn more about how this syndrome works. Triggers occur when a traumatized person is re-exposed to something that brings up a terrible memory. Along with the narrative of the memory, the trigger brings us back an entire array of emotional responses - fear, shame, hatred, revulsion, etc. Our bodies are hard-wired to respond to all this turmoil with tactics & tricks designed to keep us safe. Unfortunately, these very tactics can make us appear to be lunatics to the outside world & can severely hamper or undermine our ability to live a "normal" life.

So.

Please - no sexually explicit material - ESPECIALLY not the scenario you described which set off your husband so badly: if it had an impact on your husband, BELIEVE ME, it will also have an impact on some of our Brothers here at MS. AND - the ultimate goal of this site is to respond to the needs of the Guys (even here at the F&F section).

Finally - I would urge you to consider editing your original post to see if you can re-write some of your original comments: undoubtedly, the topic itself is a very important issue between partners, but we need to find another way to bring this topic to the MS Community's attention. (There is an edit button right above the posts.)

Thanks much & once again - you are wonderful to be so open & concerned.
 
beautifuldisaster--

Welcome to MS.

There was a very good thread not too long ago about how survivors change through their recovery, and how our relationships with them also have to change, if they are going to last. I'll try to find it for you.

My boyfriend disclosed to me about eighteen months ago. We've been together for eight years. In most ways, he's just a calmer, healthier, happier version of the guy I met eight years ago-- but in some ways he's a very different person. Our sex life, his religious life, his style of communication, and many of his ideas about manhood and fatherhood have all seen change in the last two years.

I have had to be flexible and accomodate those changes-- for us, that has worked out, because he is still very much the man I love, and because none of the changes he's made cause any major conflicts for me in terms of our lifestyle and what I want from a relationship. But I certainly see how a partner could feel betrayed or abandoned if she wants the same things she and the survivor wanted last year, while he now wants very different things.

Every relationship changes with time-- certainly you know that if you've been through a ten year marriage-- but in this situation the change can be dramatic.

Men and women alike are taught powerful, sometimes damaging ideas about what it means to be male or female-- but I think women in general have a little more permission, and a little more information, when it comes to rejecting some of the more dangerous and limiting stereotypes. I mean, even if those images of supermodels still have a very unhealthy kind of power over most of us, we have been told they are fake. Men see these stereotypes of manhood and for all they know, that's the real deal, when actually they are just as fake and dangerous to self-esteem as the supermodels.
 
SAR,
That was really great information you gave. I guess in my mind I have who he "was" as my guide to what I hope he would go back to, when really I should just let things evolve know he will become someone new. A person who has decided to deal with this situation.
I never looked at it that way I think because I miss who we were together, so my idea of happiness is to get as close to that as possible.
When in reality, I should hope to see be able to find his way into becoming comfortable in his skin because really, that is what I would love to see happen.
You all have been such great help to me.
Again, thank you so much....
I was blessed by God in finding you all.
 
bd,

Hey, I'm not going to lie... of all the changes he's made, I like the ones he's made to our sex life the least :rolleyes: and it is important. It's probably also the place where gendered pressure comes into play in the most destructive ways.

I mean, if you feel diminished because he doesn't want you to be aggressive in bed, imagine how he must feel about it... here he is with a wife who's doing something that men are supposed to dream about, and he can't get into it... especially for a guy who is concerned about his masculinity, that's pretty devastating.

But like all things it is cyclical, things were certainly at their worst in my relationship when my boyfriend was acting out... like with your husband, he let things get out of hand with someone he met online. In my case, it all happened out of the house, and it went on for over a year. He never met her in person, but their conversations certainly took something away from our relationship.

You don't have to answer me, but I wonder if his contact with this other person has just as much to do with the lapse in your sex life as his emotional vulnerability.

I know that for my boyfriend, his relationship online was more about a need for control than anything particularly sexual. Real, everyday life is messy and out-of-control. Online, he could give what he wanted, take what he wanted, tell her anything he wanted, and walk away any time he wanted.

All abuse is about power and control, he lost these things for most of his childhood and he did destructive things as a teen and young adult to try to get some back. Taking what he had to give outside of his relationship and putting it where there was nothing to lose was a part of that. Withdrawing from our life together when it got difficult was another part of that, and it included sex for a long time.

SAR
 
SAR,
We had a very dreamy six weeks....lol.
And reality set in very fast. I was in the middle of my divorce, he was just beginning his. I have 3 children, and we had 2 hours of distance between us. (he commuted to my city for work every week or so, as his job required taking care of a region).
In the beginning, our sex life was on a constant flow.
The six week marker is important because the ex found out about me and came home from out of the blue. That was the first blow to our relationship as he was freaked out and it took the weekend to get things straighted out and back on track (he sent her back in a uhaul!)
We were engaged at 3 mos, and married at the one year mark......
we had so many emotions and crap to take care of....it was really way too soon.
Right person, bad timing!
So, we were married in Aug 03/on line thing happened end of March 04.
I was devistated. He was crying, I was crying....
I was very painful.
He said that things became "complacent"...
which basically when discussed meant distant due to the fact that we had been quarreling about so many things. The idea he had about fighting from the prior relationship meant it was time to go seek out a "fix" vs. working on resolve.
We had always enjoyed affectionate hugs and kisses....for the first time I was comfortable in expressing that....and I think he was too.
We also enjoyed text messaging....it let us stay in touch all day long if we chose, or not.
And, being shy....it helped me express my thoughts and fantasies to him. He did the same.
He was honest with me when it happened.
I found the text messages....
He told me he was going to on line games, because at the time he was doing 12 hr on/12 hr off shifts and I thought to occupy some of his time I would add that feature to his phone (ggrrrrrrr!).
She was one of the people he met in a group game, was who he was texting.
I never got all the details, which is better...but he admitted it was immoral chatting as a married man.
I found out because she sent a message and the phone was home.....
I swear I lost my breath!
It continues to be upsetting....as of yet, we have never had ANY converstation even close to what we used to have.
He says he cant bring himself to do it.
So, like I said before......after this event it is like he decided to almost entirely shut down his sex drive.......and I think it is the only way he felt safe.....
does that make sense?
And at the same time it has made me feel like he isnt attracted to me anymore...and that he "lost" what he has for me.
If we are intimate.....well, there is no passion...
no kissing...
It all went away....and I am so sad.
He was the only man I ever have felt was right for me to love on openly, and now I dont have the option to love him that way because it feels so fake.
:(
 
Beautifuldisaster,

I am new to this site also. I wanted to let you know the confusion and mixed signals from SA survivors seems to be one of the common threads we all have in F&F. I am your age with two young kids and currently seperated from my spouse (you can see some of my story under mental disorders posts). Poor communication is definately one of the major issues between my spouse and me and another is control. You are not alone and this is a great site to get info and see that you are among many in your shoes, unfortunately. I love the support from F&F but cherish the input from SA survivors.
Live day by day. Keep yourself healthy for your kids.
 
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